I need to discipline myself from watching certain movies , like the movie "What dreams may come" with Robin Williams , which reminds me how I'm either expecting my wife to come around the corner or it reminds me to stay away from female & couples. I do this not out of being mean but to keep from getting burned again, although when I lost my wife it was well known that it wasn't her fault-she expired from is well known as the 'drinking disease'. And I know I am expected , by my drinking peers and those who drink in general, to follow in her foot steps in order to 'keep her memory alive in my heart' but I just can't follow that rule. She always announced that "I'm the healthiest one of the bunch" within our drinking peer group at the time, prior to 1998 when I lost her. These days I've given up drinking.  Most of my time is spent either in meditation ,  helping others , 'think positive' and other ways to help others become optimistic. However, to keep her off my mind I watch silly science fiction movies or horror movies or play 'killer' video games , in other words I stay busy. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to crack, give in to depression-like Robin Williams . Although I do read emails from others , don't expect me to get back to you right away. I don't avoid you out of being mean but from many years of fear of rejection and fear of approaching others with my thoughts. I used to be painfully shy and I'd think that what I had to say wouldn't be as good or as articulated compared to others. Now, although it still takes me a day or two to 'warm up' to others, I'm still working on my introversion-sorry. My wife also turned me into a bit of a feminist, other guys dislike my standing up for women  but I do it anyway lol  !