Here I am, another sleepless night.  I never sleep long anymore, just cat naps here and there. There is just so much going on in my head, and my dreams have all turned t nightmares,  they are not always bad nightmares, but even my sweeter dreams are torture because in my sweetest dreams I am with my beautiful girl.  The dreams always end, and I wake up with out her. I don't know what to do. I feel so ungrateful, so dissatisfied, so .. ripped off.  They are unfamiliar feelings to me.  I have never allowed myself to feel like a victim, no matter what horrible thing I may have been going through.. and now I can't help it.  I know I should be grateful that I still have my other two children, and I AM grateful for them, I love them so much and I certainly do not want anything to happen to them, and I would not trade them for the world, I would not even trade one or both of them to have Julie back, but.. how to I feel satisfied with 2, when I had 3.  

Oh Julie, I use to think that dreams could come true, but how can that be, when all my dreams are of you. :( 

I think I am losing hope that I will ever see my Julie again. Obviously I know that she is not coming back to life, but so many people have tried to sooth my pain by telling me that we would be reunited after life. It is such a sweet idea, but I am losing faith in it.  I was raised a non denominational christian, my father was a reverend.  I have tried to find some verse in the bible that promises that I will be reunited with my daughter, but there are none, and everything that I had learned in the past leads me to understand that in heaven all of our worldly concerns are forgotten, and essentially unknown, unremembered. I could choose to hope that I will see her again, and then be the best christian I possibly can just on the hope that I would see her, but those are misguided and misplaced reasons for faith. If I choose that route I would be following Christ under self serving pretenses.  I am sure it is wrong to admit that right now in this moment all I care about, all I think about, all I want is her.  I would want to get into heaven JUST to be with her, just to love her and hold her and be her mommy again. I feel like its blasphemy and I am sure that with such an ungodly motive I would not be granted passage to  heaven. ..  I know the simple solution is to love God for God, and not for the possibility of seeing my Julie, but I am having a hard time feeling much motivation, or consideration for anything right now, even God. I wish I felt differently.. and I am almost ready to try, but I just want to rest. I just want to sleep and be in the dreams with my girl, and not know that they are dreams, at least for a little while, I would like to feel like they are real. 

I am in such a dark and dangerous place. I am detaching  and feel so distant. Tonight is just rough, there will be better days, .. maybe. Well if I want to sleep before the sun rises than I had better try now. 

good night . 

M