Yesterday was the 10th.  I had been so busy for the last few days that I didn't really notice the date until right before I went to bed.  I felt a little guilty for that in so many ways, but on the other hand the distraction allowed for a brief break from grieving.  My sister came down from up North with her daughter and we spent the day at the water park with my other sister and her son, and Isabella.  Jared didn't want to go so I let him stay home.

As I fell asleep last night I thought I had somehow escaped the usual monthly rituals that I have developed over the last few months, but then I slept so restlessly, and woke up every hour or so, and ate a bunch of junk I didn't need, and cried my eyes out until the sun rose. I am suppose to have an appointment with the therapist this morning and I really want to go, but getting there is going to be such a pain in the butt, and I feel so fat, and tired, and exhausted, and my eyes are sore from the combination of pool water and tears. I have no car so I have to ride the bus to my appointment and then later I have to make it to work on time.  

I am nervous about not making it to work on time if I try to come back to the house after the appointment. More than likely If I go to the appointment I will have to be out of the house the entire day.. and that sounds so so tiring. I am running out of time to make up my mind and I really do want to go to the appointment. I guess I can ask my sister to bring me in to work. :( AND pick me up later tonight when I get off.. which makes me feel crappy because I know she hates doing it. :( :( GRRRRRRR 

I hate the way that I feel right now. I hate that it has been 8 months and nothing has happened. I hate that I feel like I am in constant limbo with my life, always exhausted, always crying, always hurting, always feeling less worthy of anything, and less valid, and so dependent. Sometimes it feels like I am a huge obligation to the people in my life.  I lost my daughter so they are obligated to pity me and help me when I need it, and I don't want everything to be about the loss of Julianna.. I don't want to feel so needy, and so incapable, but I really feel lost and helpless..

Every time that something goes right and I feel like there is a chance to have a normal, easier life.. ten things go wrong and I have to work even  harder to put myself on track.. and lately I am just so out of control and off balance, and I am afraid that things can never balance out again without Julianna. :(

Scatterbrained, tired, rambling blog this morning.. sigh. 

M