I am feeling pretty low right now...

I keep restarting this sentence over and over.. First it was "this week has been really difficult" then it was going to be "these past few weeks", than "last month" but the truth is things have been pretty bad for a long time now. I assumed that Julie dying was going to be the end of it, I tried really hard to get up and dust myself off, and put on a pretty smile for the world and dredge on.. but I feel like a runner with two broken knees, and since the breaking every little step forward no matter how small is yet another stone to trip over, and each time I trip the weight of every scrape, bump, or stumble collectively collapses me.  

grief is hard enough, it consumes me I am sure there are certain feelings that fit neatly into the box called grief, the obvious things like the crying in the middle of the night, and nightmares, and feeling hopeless, but there are other things as well. The dirty little secrets of my grief, like forgetfulness, and being distracted, feeling like everyone is looking at me or talking about me.  Feeling like if I ask for help someone will assume that I feel that I deserve special treatment because I lost a child.. maybe I do feel like I deserve special treatment.. but not exactly.. more like I feel like I deserve a little understanding, a little support, a little bit of a break.. 

but instead I get straw.  I returned to work at a new job in a new town and thought I would be able to get away with looking strong, but I am already a weak link.  My youngest daughter Isabella has a few 'not to serious' health issues and has had to be hospitalized twice already since I started the new job.  The first time was not so bad I managed not to miss any work.  The last time however, I had to miss a 4 hour shit and got docked points for the absence. (I did call in and followed up by bringing in the admitting paper work) We were at the hospital all night, and I walk a mile and take an hour long bus ride to get to my job and I guess when I got there and looked at the new schedule I wrote my shift down wrong so the following day I unintentionally clocked in 45 minutes early.  For some reason this is a major offence in our corporate policy and I was sent home.  Someone else was called in to complete my shift.  

I really wish that someone that doesn't feel sorry for me, or someone that doesn't know whats going on in my life would just once tell me I am doing a good job at something.. I use to be so level headed and so appreciated at work, and now in this new environment my confidence has been shaken and it's just an additional blow to the heart.  

this afternoon I was told that one more offence in the next 90 days will mean termination. It's so depressing, I feel like I am doing so well but that everyone is telling me that I am not good enough, I am not worthy.. They have no idea how much of a chore it is to even leave my house!! AND, I got punished for being early..it just feels insulting. To make matters worse I got off work tonight after the last bus departed, and my sister was at a movie and not answering her phone so I walked 4.8 miles home in the dark, it took a little over an hour and to top off the night when I arrived home my roommate and I had to treat my daughter, and her daughter for lice, and are still washing all the linens and I get to walk to work again in the morning. :(

It's all so much, it's too much. I feel defeated but I am not ready to let other's see that yet. I am not ready to let them see me break, so right now I am hiding all the cracks and rust and trying to look shiny and new.. but I really don't know how long it can last. :(