My husband and I were meant to be together. We knew the moment we met. We moved in together after two month's of dating, and married after two years of living together. We had one child together, and each had children from previous relationships, but we were all a family. I was so proud, am so proud, of my husband. He was the most intelligent man I'd ever known, next to my father. He was beautiful, charming, funny, an amazing father, and held a successful career. We had Sixteen fantastic years together, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, even knowing what misery I'm going through now. He was my life!

Keith left to go golfing on April 10th, he was angry with me for not wanting to go with him. I was tired. His last words to me were "try to have some energy for me when I get home". You see, I took my father through three months of horrific cancer, and held his hand while he passed, in September of 2008. I was so depressed afterward, I could barely get out of bed. I feel so bad for the burden it put on my husband. He hardly ever complained about having to come home from work to make dinner for the kids, because I couldn't get out of bed that day, but he was only human, and sometimes it got to him. I can't believe, that I was so traumatized from losing my father. What way would I describe myself now? Keith was EVERYTHING to me! Our last year and a half together was not what he deserved. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am that I made him so sad, watching me go through depression over losing my dad. Again, what should I call what I'm going through now? If losing my father caused depression, then losing my husband has caused pure hell. I'm watching my children suffer right along with me. They loved their dad, as much as I did. I miss him so much, and I feel so guilty over so many things I should have done to make him happy. I wish I could see him again, just to tell him I love him one more time, and that if I could do it all over again, the only thing I would change is the year and a half after my father passed. I should have tried harder to be strong, and get over it. I wish I hadn't been so weak, as to take advantage of my husband's generosity with his time, efforts, emotions, and patience. He was a saint! During the time I was with my dad, Keith made five (5) round trips, from Seattle to Pocatello, Idaho, so he could work, take care of the house, and rush back to help me, and my dad. All of this during a three month period. He was so strong!

Now I'm trying to be strong for my kids, but the guilt of trying so hard not to be depressed, is causing me so much suffering. I feel horrible when I'm able to get up to do things to help the kids now, when I couldn't before. It seems like an insult to Keith. I know he wants me to take care of the kids. I know he always wanted me to be happy. He tried so hard to make me happy. I just have so much GUILT.

How do you get past losing the man of your dreams? How do you get past losing the best father a child could have? How do you get it together, to get back to work after being a stay at home mom for eight years? It's been three month's since my husband left me, and I feel like it's getting harder, not easier. I'm so lost, I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I have to pull it together for my kids, though. I love them, I am their only parent now, and it's my responsibility to show them how to get through this. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I'll let you know, from time to time, how we're doing. I welcome all feedback, as long as it's not hurtful. Please, anyone out there, if you know some magic trick for getting through this. Let me know...

- half a soul