This is the first day I've spent alone in the house since I got the news my wife had killed herself.  She'd been kind of pulling back and fading away for awhile, so it's not like there was a bustling presence that's now missing.  Still, the place feels empty in a pervasive, saddening way.  I go into the room where she spent most of the last year and see her stuff....but she's not there.  Getting breakfast this morning, I open the cupboard for a bowl and see her old blender and mixer.  The sadness then comes up that she's gone and those probably won't get used again.  She was much more the cook than I.

I haven't done much today.  I got a couple loads of laundry washed, though I forgot to turn on the dryer with the first load, and found it hours later still damp.  I emptied the dishwasher.  I picked up her Halloween costume and put it in a bag of other clothing that's just going to get tossed out.  I at least ate breakfast, though it's now almost four and I'm realizing I haven't eaten since.  I went through some of the pictures on her cell phone, deleting a lot and sending some I'd want to keep to my e-mail account.  It's hard to want to do much of anything.  I'd hoped that I'd get a better start on cleaning up, but I guess I'm just not there yet.

At least chatting with a new friend here and talking with a couple others helped some.  I think the hardest is going to be those times when it's just me here.  I'm glad the cats are around.  They do help fill that void, at least a little.  I'm pretty sure part of this is from being so tired, not getting to sleep 'til amost five and waking up a bit after eight.  I'm going to have to watch that.  In the past, I know when I'd get depressed I'd just stay up surfing the 'Net or playing stupid games like solitaire for hours.  I don't know why I don't want to sleep at those times.

The questions keep coming up about why she killed herself.  The hope for answers is fading the longer it's been.  She wasn't real sentimental, and so I'm having to get next to the idea there just might not be any kind of letter or note she left somewhere.  The thought I didn't mean enough to at least leave that hurts.  I have to push myself to remember that in that state of mind, I doubt much meant anything other than the chance just to get out and make it end.

Time to try to get a nap.  There's another memorial for her tonight the local community's doing.  I do want to be there.  I just don't know how it's going to go, or how I'll do with it.