I know it's only been a little over a week since the police came and told me my wife had killed herself. I know intellectually that it's probably pretty normal that lots of stuff is coming up, that random little things keep reminding me of her. I know that's going to be going on for quite awhile, as nearly 15 years together builds a LOT of connections and memories.
My heart, however, feels like each time I look at one of those things, especially the ones that blindside me, it's getting lashed. Sometimes I find myself suddenly crying, which is hard to handle out in public. I haven't had to be in the house alone yet as family and friends have been around me to help me through this. I know pretty soon, though, that'll have to change. And I still have to go through her things and decide what to keep, sell, donate or just throw away.
People are offering me hopeful ideas, that it'll get better, that in time it won't hurt so much, that I can get through it, that I might find someone else down the road. My head gets that there may be some truth to those things. I can't see it right now, though. I'm just trudging along from one thing to the next, just trying to keep breathing....and hoping that my family and friends don't get tired of hearing about this from me before I can better stand on my own.