I watered the morning glories in the butterfly garden I started in the spring. It won't be long until they are blooming beautiful blue breakfast plates with soft pink throats. I planted them because they are Jack's favorite flower. While I was talking to Jack's big sister this evening, I told her about the little garden and she asked, "Do you think he knows?"



"About the garden?" I want to believe that he does.



"Well. That, yes. But. Do you think he knows how much I miss… Continue

For some reason, this just spoke to me. Maybe it's the phrase "Red-Sea-place in your life", maybe it's the knowledge that I'm in that place where I just have to walk through this grief.



Thought some of you might like this, too.





When you come to the Red-Sea-place in your life,

When, in spite of all you can do,

There is no way round, there is no way back,

There is no other way but through:





Then know God with a soul serene,

And the… Continue

Jack's older sister, Georgie, called me with the news that she and Jonathan will be having Baby #2 in 35 weeks. If they counted right, New Baby will be here near Jack's birthday in December. Jack would have been thrilled to have a new niece or nephew. He was a super-hero to Old Baby, Sophia, who reached up her 2 year old arms to signal that she was ready for a ride on his shoulders. She held on to his hair and yelled, "Yee-haw!" Off he'd lope, whinnying every few steps.



I'm thankful… Continue

It was a long April Fool's Day yesterday. From the time he was a toddler, Jack thought that April Fool's Day was the best fun ever! When he was 2, he used the broom to open the garage door and bounced out from the side of the house with a grin and a loud, "Apil foo's, mommy!" after I ran out of the house in a panic. I learned to never use the sugar or salt without checking, to view meals cooked by Jack on his sacred holiday with suspicion, to let the shower run for a bit without blindly… Continue

Today's the 4 week anniversary of my son Jack's death. I feel like I've been trudging through chest deep muck. And seriously, it feels either like I've felt this way forever or for a few hours. I can't believe that it has been 4 weeks since he left this earth. I'm journalling notes to him most nights. There are so many things that happen each day that I would normally tell him. It's hard to see his friends at the grocery store or gas station and know that their life is going. I almost resent… Continue

This first person I thought about sharing this poem with was my son, Jack. He wrote so many poems and songs. I've spent much of the past few weeks picking up the phone to text message or call him.



Perfection Wasted



And another regrettable thing about death

is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,

which took a whole life to develop and market -

the quips, the witticisms, the slant

adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest

the lip of the stage,… Continue

I have no idea how someone is supposed to feel when they've lost a child. I didn't realize how many of my thoughts were wrapped around my children--especially Jack since he lived with me. It's hard to participate in the reality of life. And even with all the folks who are keeping contact with me and trying to encourage me to keep going, I feel desperately alone. Work helps, but I am exhausted at the end of the day. I spend the day with a tight jaw and stiff neck, working 110% to keep the wild… Continue