Hello Morgan, Bluebird, Linda at al. I'm sorry it has been so awfully long since my last contact.  A Year? I have always read the posts, though and have felt the same horrible burning pain I have the last, nearly 5 years since Nancy left me. I have had a couple of tia's including a lengthy bout of "aphasia". It was almost comedic as I couldn't talk but kept trying to tell the emt's which hospital to drop me at. This year, I have…

I began writing one of these each day, beginning December 2015 to ease my grief and start each day with some hope and joy. The hope and joy would last for awhile and then I would be back in the throes of deep, dark misery. I recommend these emails that are never sent as excellent therapy. I have written 602 of them in the 2 and  a half years since I lost my Nancy. Here is today's letter to Nancy. 

Letter to My Nancy …

Didn't mean to startle anyone. I didn't realize when I removed the "How long is the barrel"  blog it would remove all the posts as well.  At any rate, In the eloquently phrased words of Morgan, this is not a perfect world and that's when I realized Nancy would have none of this at all...so, right off the table it went. Now.I will join the "walk" and continue with everyone else here, walking together no matter how much of a bitch it may seem to be. The only other option is probably not the…

I wrote this after watching "Paper Memories". Nothing spectacular, the poem not the film, but after rummaging through some photos of my own, Nancy and I, I could see a sort of parallel.

Oh, But could an old photograph or two bless these, our weary souls that worry still.. and then extinguish all breath which remains to place us at last, together again.

I wrote a couple of verses describing the rending, pillaging of the soul that is the only thing grief can offer us. 

"Here as time runs, endlessly, shore to shore then back again, waves of despair to never end, to never resolve and close upon  this terrible span of days.”  

and then-

"Bleaker shadows keeping vigil in the corners of my room, expressing deeper sorrow, shedding tears of deeper gloom.” 

There was a morning last month, I sensed the strong presence of my soul mate. I felt the need to write an emotional treatise of sorts, what morphed into a free verse.  I call it "A day of Dreams".  It became my own "balm in Gilead".

A DREAM OF DAYS     M. Royer    02/17/2016  (Reunion)

SOMEWHERE, OUT BEYOND THE COUNTY LINE SHE WAITS

IN A STAND OF DISTANT TREES…

Last Wednesday, I was feeling particularly sad. I've always been a hack poet  so I wrote this

little ditty down to vent some sorrow and feel a bit better. It helped.  Hope it can help you

abit.    Mel

YOU TOOK HER FROM ME GENTLY   M.Royer  Fri, Jan 22, 2016

You took her from me gently, on that shining springtime day.

It was warm, the sky was bluer when…

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted. Things have been up and down...mostly down. But I

found a way to ease my sorrow just a bit for a short time. I write emails to my Nancy that, of

course, I never send. I've only done 2 so far but they have helped me get through another 

lousy, despairing, tear filled day. When I do that, I feel like she is with me. Almost leaning

over my shoulder and telling me things to write. I know that doesn't make sense but it…

I stumbled upon this over the internet and found it somewhat

comforting.  Since I believe I will see nancy again in the next

life, it was even better.  

Nancy and I used to talk about how one would help the other

when we were ill.  When she had her stroke, I was her care-

giver. She always told me "God will reward you" and "When

you're sick, I'll take care of you". I always told her "It's my

honor and privilege as your husband to take care of you 

because I love you. " Well, since she passed away last April

29th, I've thought about that and asked her "How will you

take care of me now, now that…

I don't know what to do! It's been 2 months since Nancy's 

death and the pain is worse than ever. In the house I can't

escape the never ending reminders of her. The bursts of 

tears just come on out of the blue and I say the same thing

over and over "Why did you leave me?" "Come Back to me'.

At night, I pray to God to take me so that I won't have to

wake up to this relentless nightmare. Yet, I continue to wake

up, stumble out of bed and begin…

It started as a normal morning. 3 years out from that devastating afternoon when she lost all control of her life. She had suffered a massive right side stroke and had lost virtually all control of her left side. Her arm and leg had become swollen and purposeless.

Her arm, she always cared for with a gentle readjustment of position. I could do nothing beyond reassure her with my love and bring her chocolate ice cream and cans of chocolate…