I feel I've had another experience that he's with me but I need to know I'm not the only one seeing it ... ?

 Last night I went to bed. I have a sleep app on my tablet I use. I opened it up but set it aside as I forgot I was going to read for a bit. Once finished I put the book down, picked up my tablet, unlocked the screen and saw red scribbles that were not there prior. This scribble app has come open at least once before and I don't even know how to pull it up. But I immediately…

Every day is hard and miserable but Sunday seems to be the worst. I have thought to myself that I need to find something to do but by then I'm so tired from the prior week, exhausted from life, I don't want anything to do. I'm ready for something meaningful and I only want Gary. So I just get that much more depressed.

What a waste of time! Waste of a day. Waste of a life. Waste of an existence.

For all these months I couldn't accept Gary died, couldn't say the "d" word. Still…

I feel like there is so much to say but yet I have nothing to say. Another damn oxymoron, nothing new in this hell. I will type anyway.

I still can't believe Gary is physically gone. I say that in a more solemn way. Before, my mind nor my emotions could wrap itself around this concept. It was the nightmare. The bad dream you can't wake up from. Feeling like every part of my existence is living on some distant planet while at the same time in some bizzare, twilight zone my body was…