The point of finally seeing the end of college semester has come. And that is a huge relief as I was burnt after the first month. But it dawned on me. That relief is as if there is some prize at the end. But there is no prize. There will be more semesters to come and I'll still be in the same damn boat I've been in - Gary is physically gone and I don't know how to live without him here.

In only a handful of days it will be 9 months. A month ago I began to feel like this is all I know. Like this has been my entire life. So baffling it was only 8 months ...

It's true I still don't know what to do. And that's not on some superficial level. It is on a soul existing other dimension kind of level. Nothing has felt right, in any way. To be at such a point blank loss - how is this even human.

The depression is still there. A couple weeks ago my counselor told me she doesn't want me giving up on myself. That struck a cord. While I don't feel like I've given up on myself I feel like I've given up on life. I don't understand what the point is. Don't understand why even work for anything when it can all be taken away in a moments notice and no warning. I mean really, just killing time until you die?

A month and half or so ago I was starting to feel the coming down from the distant planet. I had a moment in class this week where it seemed like I may have come completely back. Still not sure what to make of it. Some of my feelings are back to confusing. 

The thought of always missing him, always being sad at all I lost for the rest of my life (for me most likely many, many years) is depressing. I know I will never stop loving him and it feels extremely likely a part of me will always feel sad, grief-stricken, and broken over it. I don't have interest in someone new but to even vaguely consider another relationship, how could I ever when I know this is the outcome.

At my counseling session this week she informed me it would be our last one as she is retiring end of the year. I didn't see that coming at all. But I wasn't feeling immediately panicked and desperate as I was with a similar situation talking to my 2nd counselor this past summer (this is my 4th). I have a few potential reasons why but will spare my theories. Point is, some may call that a good thing or progress. To me, progress implies a goal you are working towards and a goal is something you choose. I didn't fucking choose this. So I don't know what to call it.

I did have an experience this past Sunday night that gave me something new. I have been very meticulous in my personal writing/documenting of things I feel may/are him. Many of the experiences have been more than one thing occurring. This instance was crying, talking to him, saying some very particular things and not only did I feel an intense sensation of his presence right next to me, I heard him talk to me. Not audibly but in my mind. Something that gave me sooth to those things I was saying. As with everything, I analyze it over and over to see if any other reason would be plausible. But I know I heard it. It was not just thinking it myself, imaging the scenario of it, etc. My mind was silent and only focused on the sensation of his presence that I was feeling. Of course my mind is still processing, it never stops, but this experience with such a direct connection has affected me. In what way or depth I'm still unsure of. But it seems the sooth has lingered, maybe intensified. Verdict still out.