Every day is hard and miserable but Sunday seems to be the worst. I have thought to myself that I need to find something to do but by then I'm so tired from the prior week, exhausted from life, I don't want anything to do. I'm ready for something meaningful and I only want Gary. So I just get that much more depressed.

What a waste of time! Waste of a day. Waste of a life. Waste of an existence.

For all these months I couldn't accept Gary died, couldn't say the "d" word. Still really can't. But now it's more for a different reason. Feeling able to start believing after my last experience of him that he is still alive in spirit and still with me, he's not dead. He's just physically gone. It doesn't change any of the things I'm feeling, it's all still hell. Maybe a different kind of hell. I don't know.

I got thinking of a feeling involving an ex today. The relationship didn't work on really any level. Hence the "ex". But the one and only thing it had going was the feeling in his arms. He was twice my size in weight (he lifted) and 4 inches taller. I felt so small in his arms. Strong. Secure. I felt I had a place to fall into like a cocoon where there was escape. In that moment all was well. All was peaceful no matter what was going on in life. I feel a little weird bringing up an ex. But I've dated a lot of guys and even though they didn't work, a few have given me something significant I took with me. I don't recall having this kind of feeling any other time in my life. I do want to find that kind of peace, to have life be "ok" even though part of me now I feel will remain forever broken. This misery is no fucking life at all. So pointless. Such a waste of fucking everything.

I still feel I'm staring dumbfounded, frozen in a stupor at the path obliterated. I still want all those plans Gary and I had. It was going to be so good. I still curse life for it. I'm so damn sad they are all gone, forever. We were finally on our path to perfect those last months. The things we fought about were starting to fall away. There was a new level of understanding that changed the core of our relationship. God, how I was so anxious and beyond ready to see it all bloom. To see us soar. But now it's all just "spilled milk". I thought today of how much I've said up to this point how this wasn't supposed to happen. It still wasn't. But that fact isn't changing anything. Now that my distant planet descent may pretty much be done, I think my frozen stance is starting to thaw. I still don't know what to do though and I'm so damn sick of feeling that way. Getting sick of saying it and thinking it. But I don't know how to change it. I am going through motions of life but it's not working. I still don't know how the hell I'm supposed to put my life back together when Gary was it. The only person that mattered and a part of everything.