Michael thankyou so much for the post.  I'm also new to this site.  I'm not even quite sure how to add a photo.  With time I hope to get better at it.  I look forward to talking to you.  I feel exactly the same way you do.  When the kids are at school or in bed at night I don't know what to do with myself.  I never expected to be in this position.  there was so much we wanted to do.  I'm taking it one day at a time because that's all I can do.  So sorry about your loss.  I hope your doing ok today.  I'll talk to you again soon.

Hey Michael how are you doing.  I meant to tell you that I'm actually from Ontario Canada.  I noticed that your from the united kingdom.  It's quite amazing that we can actually communicate even though were from opposite sides of the globe.  I'm not exactly sure the time difference but I think it's 8 hours.  Karen use to travel to England and Germany for her job. She was a data analyst for Glaxo Smithcline.  I look forward to receiving your email article.  The unfortunate part of where I live is that it's a small town and there's really no meetings for grieving husbands.  I find with this site I can get some things off my mind and communicate with someone who knows what I'm going through.  Looking through old photo's last night of me and my wife and all the happy times we had together. It was upsetting to think that we'll never get the chance to have a picture together again.  I am so glad that I do have those photos and memories but it also reminds me of how much me and the girls have lost.  Karen had beautiful long curly hair and after the chemo she lost it all.  It never had a chance to grow back in the way she had had it.  Because of this she never wanted to have her photo taken the last couple of years.  I would sneek one in here or there.  I would tell her she was just as beautiful as the day I met her.  I'm so happy we had what we had but I am a broken hearted wreck.  I wonder if I will ever feel life again the way I did with Karen.  I love my girls and I live for them.  They are involved in competitive dance so it keeps me busy most days.  The little things I took for granted like going out for a beer with the boys are now hard to do as it's me and the girls.  Unfortunately I don't have my parents anymore and my mother in law is 82.  I have put many photos in my bedroom of Karen so I can wake up to her and go to bed to her.  I don't know if it helps but it makes me happy to see her smiling face.  I hope your having a good day today and it's nice to write to you.  Feel free to vent to me or give any helpful tips for coping.  I will try to do the same for you. 

Michael I have been away all weekend for a dance competition with my 2 girls.  I only returned home tonight at 7 00.  I will touch base with you tomorrow.  Pretty tough situation as Karen was a dancer herself and would always do these activities with the girls  She loved doing these.  The one thing she was hoping for was that she would have enough time left to go to these competitions and see the girls compete.  The girls did fantastic but it was so bittersweet.  I couldn't contain my emotions at times.  Anyway that's why I havn't responded.  I hope things are going ok for you.  I'll talk soon.  Take care

We were married for 14 years.

Hi Michael

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I had a pretty bad weekend missing my husband so much that I just didn't want to do anything but listen to music that made me cry. I don't want to die as many do here because I have two amazing kids that I couldn't put through that pain after just losing their dad. I just want him back with us. I hate it when someone tells me that he is in a better place, no he isn't, he should be here with me.

Hi Michael.  It just doesn't seem possible that it's almost 2 years now because it feels like yesterday.  I've had people in my life who seem to think that I should just be right as rain already.  How do you explain to someone who has never felt this kind of pain before that it just doesn't go away because you are tired of seeing me sad or mad or depressed. 

I apologize for not responding sooner.  I would love to Skype with you.  My Skype name is dianayoungrd

Hi Michael.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I have had several significant losses in my life was well, so I can relate to what you're going through.  My husband died suddenly in 2005 from a massive heart attack at the age of 35.  I have raised our two children alone.  My stepfather died of Glioblastoma on 12/24/13, and I lost my mom to a rare form of sarcoma on 1/11/15.  The holidays have been really hard.  It's been a year of firsts without my mom.  I really miss her.  I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Hi Michael,

I just wanted to wish you a New Year that perhaps brings you some hope and maybe even some happiness.  The holidays were rough I'm sure, but you should try to do something for you!   I went out of town to San Diego to see some wonderful friends with my son for Christmas and to be with someone during the first anniversary of my husband's death, and what would have been his birthday on the 29th.  It was a relief to get away for a few days, and our friends were wonderful and caring...lots of hugs.  They knew my husband from his time in the military so many years ago.  It was somewhat gratifying to see how very much they cared about us.  They went out of their way to share themselves with us, giving us gifts, and fixing delicious, home cooked meals.  Maybe you or your wife knew someone like that and you haven't stayed in touch.  I will say, despite it being the most difficult of anniversaries...the long wait at the end as I waited for my husband to leave this earth, I felt joy at being with my son, and I got to spend some time on the beach, although it wasn't terribly good weather.  I have always found the Ocean to be renewing and hopeful for me, so it was a good trip.  Sometimes leaving the place where everything terrible happened for a bit can make you go forward and remember that you are still an individual...you still are strong, and can go on with life.

I hope that you find some joy in little things, and remember that your wife would want you to be happy :).   I hope to hear from you!  I am sending good thoughts your way!

Hi Michael, How are you doing? ~ Diana

Michael,

I haven't responded much to your posts not because I haven't wanted to but because I have such limited energy and I just don't know who to respond to next.  There seems to be so many of us who are carrying such a huge burden about the death of our loved one and there are times when I just don't know what to say.  

I reread your original post "I am lost without my wife. Its that simple…the quiet is deafening. The loneliness is equally so. There is now no rapport to carry me through the day."  I couldn't agree more.

I spent 35 years sharing that rapport with the man who was my soul.  I am now just three years past his death and though slowly I became more able to function,  the emotional devastation of having to live without him has not lessened much.  I cry less often and that is a good thing as physically it is creating what I am pretty sure will elevate into more complicated issues.  But the quiet, the lack of him being there, the inability to share ideas with him……..all of what we came to understand as life has now been ripped from us.    Reconstructing a life has been as difficult as navigating the ocean with 20 foot waves.  Exhausting, nearly impossible and not wanted.

Am I living?  Yes, I still breathe.  Am I loving it?  No, I want it to end, the sooner the better.  All I am doing is preparing what I might leave behind for others so that there isn't a mess for someone else to have to clean up. We had a home with "things" and being practical, I need to try and deal with them.  After three years I still am barely getting through being able to mentally touch all of it.  I never gave away any of him.  Clothes, personal possessions etc. all are still packed up.  I am going to attempt to deal with some of it this year.  Even thinking about having to attempt it makes me want to cry.

15 months is still early. I know it is incomprehensible to think that you have suffered this long and to say it is early is nuts but I can honestly tell you it wasn't until about 30 months had passed before I could say I was even remotely able to face even the smallest things that remind me of my beloved.  Up until then everything sent me into orbit.  Everything.

I am so sorry for you and everyone else who is trying to manage the aftermath of losing the one person who was our light.  Grief is definitely one of the most misunderstood, under diagnosed, overprescribed event in our lives.  No one really understands what it's capable of doing until one has to face it.  I know I didn't.

Nothing seems to help totally but we can hope there are more extended periods of distraction. Other than that its tv, computer and any task that has me thinking of anything other than how miserable I am.  I hope you can find some of that in your little Yorkie.  It is the best thing your wife left behind of herself.  Give them lots of love.

Take care…….

morgan

Hope you are doing OK, Michael.  Thanks for being my friend on here.  Sorry for the loss of your wife.  I like the profile picture, with your little dog by your side.

Hi Michael

Thanks for your kind words, I am sorry for your pain I am only 4 weekstomorrow into this void of hell, I have strong support from my kids but when they go for the night IT starts the absolute pain, panic and loss, I still look for her when I come home, we have a large sprawling country house then usually half way round it hits me, just like a train would , Oh my god it hurts.

I understand what you mean. My fears have expanded. I don't fear for myself exactly...I worry about my adult children(who live with me) driving in bad weather. Doesn't matter if it's rain or snow(which we've had a lot of). I worry about things breaking down around the house. I worry about making the right decisions.  I think it's just that we don't have that support that we had with our spouses.  I was 33 when I got married and had lived alone and managed quite well...so where has that confidence gone?