Kathy,

I know how you feel. One year ago I found out that my husband had Stage IV lung cancer. Inoperable...the question was "when?"  He wanted to fight as long as he could so I turned my focus into supporting him and doing whatever I could to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. I used the time to kiss him, hold him, touch him because I knew time was limited. I told him how much I loved him. I let him know that I would change places in a heartbeat if I could. I let him know that I would trade any amount of money to keep him with me.We talked, we cried...said all those things that needed to be said. It was the worst year of my life watching him succumb to cancer. I took FMLA from work to be with him. As tough as the time was, I'm glad I was able to spend that time with him. Now I look forward to meeting him again in the afterlife, but, I miss him constantly. 

As difficult as this is, Kathy, you are not alone. Let us, on this site, help you. There's a reason the two of you finally met and married. You will help him thru a terrible time...and hopefully, we can help you.

Kathy,

I am soooo sorry that they aren't going to radiate the liver, maybe the tumor is too small or in a bad place. Have they talked about what they do plan on doing? I know it's hard...but, you have the right to ask questions. My oncologist always gave us time to ask why certain things were being done...and he'd pay attention when I would make any suggestions and explain why it could or couldn't be done. As tough as it is YOU have to be your husband's advocate.Just today my son remarked about how, just one year ago, I was working my way thru the diagnosis and trying to get a handle on what to do.... I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

I remember the pain I suffered watching my husband slowly becoming a shell of the man he used to be. As hard as I worked to make his life as comfortable as possible, as much as I supported his attempts to survive,  I was angry at God. I still am. I still prayed for whatever God could give us and mostly prayed for the strength to deal with what was coming. While Bill focused on trying to make my life easier once he was gone I was focused on trying to make his life easier while he was alive. Hopefully, we were both successful. He finished, or arranged to have finished some major projects around the house so I wouldn't have to worry about them....

Like I said there were times where we would just sit and hold hands or cuddle. I miss those times, but, there's nothing I can do to change it. Enjoy every minute you have left with him...memorize them...it will help down the road even if it's bittersweet. Say everything you want to say.

Kathleen,

I've been wondering how you're doing?

Kathleen, you will do whatever you have to do! You will help him, you will be his advocate. You will cry and you will rant and rave, but, you will love him as deeply as ever. My mantra for over a year was "Sometimes life sucks!" but you will deal with it!

I'm sending you hugs and "white light" to help you.

I can't tell you how many times I said something to Bill that I wish I hadn't said. You are BOTH under so much stress right now. Just tell him you love him. I wish I could tell you that it will be ok but I'd be lying. I have you in my prayers! 

I'm glad to hear that your daughter handled the situation. Love conquers almost all!

Hi Kathleen

  I am very sorry to here of your husbands condition, I hope for the best for you and he.  

  I know the exact feeling of not belonging on this planet, I exist in a reality that I never imagined. I still hope to wake up to my previous life, I guess I have not achieved the acceptance phase of all of this.  

  I wish I could do something to alleviate the fear and heart ache you are feeling.  It's a shame everyone here is spread around the world.  I think all of us experiencing a loss should be grouped in a commune to be able to truly support one another.

  Thanks for the comments Kathleen, I wish you the best.

Mark

If your husband doesn't get a miracle I at least hope he goes peacefully. Cherie did not go peacefully and it was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. 

I'm glad that you found this site. It is so important to have people to talk to who understand how difficult this is to go through. 

I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you today.  Just cherish every minute you have with Rocky. I would love to have even just one more minute with Cherie. 

So sorry to hear about your husband. Seems we are on the same path right now. Please let me know if you ever want to talk. Prayers and thoughts are being sent your way! 

Sorry I haven't checked in on you lately! How are things? I love the pix you have posted. They show such depth. I love seeing the light in his eyes! That's one thing that I noticed Bill lost as time went on. I have a picture taken 6 weeks before he died and it's like they were empty...the life had already left. I have been trying to stay busy. I helped a friend paint her dining room, have started the garden, mow the lawn. I do better when I'm busy, otherwise I think too much.

Have you been able to do anything about Social Security or Disability? A lot of paperwork, but it can help financially... How's Rocky doing?

Kathleen, I have not been having an issues with getting on this site. I have been where you are now and my heart goes out to you. It is so hard to watch cancer steal the people we love. When my first wife died of cancer I often debated which was doing the most damage the chemo or the cancer. Everyone wishes that they could say something to make it better or easier but there is nothing that makes it better or easier. The only thing that helps me is knowing there are other people that understand my pain. I hope this site helps you. I know it helps me. 

Kathleen,

I so feel your pain!

There really does come a point where you wonder why the chemo when it makes Rocky feel so bad! I went thru it with Bill. Initially, the "bad" was actually an improvement ...but, towards the end, there really wasn't any "good" that I could see. I will say that the amount of pain medication had decreased from where we started...we went from 200mg of Morphine long-acting every 12 hours to 45mg twice a day...So, yes, that was an improvement...the only time he was really dopey/goofy was when he was on IV morphine...how much medication is Rocky getting? Does he seem comfortable after getting it? Is the pain in any one spot, or all over? When Bill had more pain it was his hip and we did radiation treatments to make those spots smaller and decrease the pain....

Last year, when I would go in to work(keep in mind it was only 4 hours 2 or 3 x a week) everyone would ask about Bill and YES I would have melt downs...it's to be expected. Let them feel your pain.

I don't know how you "accept". It is what it is. There's nothing I can do about it. Bill was alive and we were happy and now he's gone and I can't dwell on what I can't change. I have to focus on the here and now. I guess it helps that my grown kids live with me. Believe me, I still have melt-downs where I miss Bill overwhelmingly! Anytime anything breaks it's like a piece of my heart breaks off...I've had to replace several items that Bill would've insisted he could fix if he were alive. My son also fixes things but there does come a point where it makes more sense to buy new and have something more reliable!!!

Supposedly someone is interested in the 5th wheel camper we own...I can't see myself using it, yet, I'm hesitant to let it go for a song...It's money that I could use. I have to call my brother-in-law to see who's interested and what they offer...Blue book value shows it at $10000 or more. My brothers-in-law just replaced the floor and flooring. Another item that Bill and I bought together with the thought that we'd travel when we retired...Another dream shattered.

I'm doing better now that I can get outside and putter in the garden etc. But, I do have to admit one day runs into the next. Fortunately, I have different friends who like to get together for different things. A couple like to garden and have planted in my garden...one likes to fish, if I'm interested. 

What I miss is someone to talk to about the kids and everyday stuff. That "sharing" and discussing....

Kathleen

I lost my amazing husband of 37 years on April 1st from cancer. He fought as hard as he could for 13 months "this goes bad". I didn't even call hospice until about 48 hours before he died because he just wanted to keep fighting. It was so hard for me to tell him all of the things I wanted to say to him because he just wanted to live. A couple of times he did break down and just sob about not wanting to leave me here alone, or leave our kids. I just told him that he had spent 37 years teaching me how to take care of myself and while I would miss him every minute of everyday, I would be okay. There were a couple of things that seemed to calm him a little. The first would be funny if it wasn't so sad. I told him that we were only going to talk about this subject one time and then never again, at that point I promised him that there would NEVER be another man living in his house. Now, you would think that most men would say "no, I want you to be happy, and not be alone", not my husband, he just smiled. I thought it was kind of cute that he didn't want me to be with another man. Not that I would ever want to. I am married to him until the day that I die. The other was that just two days before he passed away, our son, who is almost 30, told him "don't worry about mom, I will take care of her", it seemed to calm him and bring him a little peace.

I would just suggest doing whatever you think will make him calm and at peace with a horrible situation. I really didn't think that we would leave anything unsaid or undone knowing the time we had, but the regrets that I do have are not just laying down with him and holding him more as the end got closer. But...on a Friday the doc said that he thought he had about 60 days, and he was gone 4 days later. So...please don't waste anytime cleaning the house, or doing things that can wait, hold his hand, tell him you love him, and leave nothing unsaid.

Please know that I am here if you would ever like to vent in a private message. I am a good listener.

Sara

Kathleen

Trust me, I'm not that strong, but I fake it pretty well so that I don't give my kids more to worry about.

I don't know how long your husband will have if he stops treatment, I can only tell you our story. When Jim was diagnosed with esoph. cancer they told us that he would have a year at best. He didn't accept it and fought till the end. I was get so upset with his doctor because he would keep asking Jim what he wanted to do, I just wanted to yell that we don't know, we've never done this before, you should know. One huge regret I have is that while Jim fought very hard against having a feeding tube put it, the damn doctor should have insisted on it a very long time before he did. By the time it was put in on January 8th he had lost 125 lbs. Two other men we know were diagnosed with the same cancer and both of their doctors put the feeding tube in within the first month. I just think that he may not have lost as much weight as fast and would of been a bit more comfortable. But anyway....Jim had a type of cancer that let him have a special drug called Herceptin. Very few men are able to use it, it is usually used for women with breast cancer. This drug targets the tumor instead of going through your whole body. It also helps to stop the cancer from spreading. While Jim did have some of the nasty side effects, he did not ever get sick from the chemo. He tried the pills, he hated them, he had the pump, he hated it, and on and on. In January, the Friday before he was to have his pump put in he all of a sudden couldn't even swallow water, so he couldn't take anything in at all. I finally convinced him to go to the hospital on Saturday evening. To shorten a long story, it was then that they stopped the cocktail that he was on and stopped the Herceptin. They said there was a new drug that had just been approved and that we could try it. Without it, he may have weeks, with it, months. He of course said to try it. Honestly, he fought so hard till the end, as I'm sure your husband is. We asked if the new drug would also stop it from spreading and we just kept getting, it should. From then on it was downhill. We went in for a treatment on a Tuesday and he finally said that I could ask about stopping treatment and how long he would have. Again....all we got for answers was that he should have several months. On Friday he asked me to call and ask if he kept taking treatment would it buy him more time, he still thought he could beat it. The nurse called me back and said that the doctor felt just from looking at him that he could go anytime, but 60 days at most. He was gone the next Wednesday. I believe that once the Herceptin was stopped the cancer spread very quickly. He got worse in the last 5 days than he had in the last year. He did tell me in Feb that he felt that he was going to die soon. What I would tell you is to listen to him. Please don't be too hard on him for the choice he has made. While I understand you wanting to be a part of it, it had to be his choice. I also read two books that were written by a hospice nurse of 30+ years and they helped me a GREAT deal be prepared for what we would face at the end of his life. I'm so glad that I read them. Please let me know if you'd like the name of them, or if you have a kindle I think that I can just loan you my copies of them.

I too felt like I started grieving long before he died. But, it took so much of who he was, that I felt like he was gone before he actually was. I thought that I was prepared, but I wasn't, and never could be. People just don't understand the difference in losing a parent or someone close, and losing your spouse.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are both going through, it just isn't fair.

Kathleen

I just read back my message to you and I hope you can make some sense of it. Sounds like I was just rambling and jumping around....sorry.

Kathleen

Jim's doctors did tell us that some life insurance policy's have a clause that if the doctor signs a statement saying they are terminal within a year, the life insurance may be paid out early. It might be worth checking in to.

Sara

Hi kathleen, I was just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? I know the answer is not well but just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathleen,

If Rocky wants off the meds, I would say go with it. I know you arent' ready to let him go, but, he's the one who knows how much he can tolerate. It isn't easy to make that decision. But, you KNOW how much he's suffering. You will have to be the strong one and stand up for him. I hate to say it, but, there is a lot to be said for the "quality" of life, not just life itself. Maybe even just a break from the meds. If you think he's depressed (and justifiably so) maybe they can start him on something...that's what we did with Bill. If I could wave a magic wand over the 2 of you I would!

Kathleen,

We are planting a Japanese Lilac in Cherie's memory on Saturday. I have mixed emotions about the whole tree thing but that was what she wanted. I will be glad when the memorial party is over. 

When you mentioned getting a tattoo it reminded me that I thought about getting "DNR/DNI" tattooed on my chest. Just to make sure that no paramedics try to revive me.

I'm glad that you had a better day today. We all need days that are somewhat better or we would lose our minds.

Kathleen

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that I just went through it yesterday although Jim has been gone for 3 months. I think that I accepted long before Jim did that he was going to die. I shouldn't say accepted it, because I wanted to fight it as long as we could. I did think that it would of been a little easier if he had ever accepted it as we could of planned more than we did. There were about 3 times that he would break down completely and tell me that he did feel like he was going to die soon, and then after I got him calmed down we would talk about what he wanted me to do with our business and some of the vehicles that he had collected and built and etc. But up until two days before he died he still wanted to go to treatment and fight it. During those times that he would talk to me about what would happen if he did die, I would just cry and tell him that he had spent the last 37 years teaching me how to take care of myself, and that while I would miss him everyday, I would be okay. Not that it's true, sometimes I miss him so much I can't breathe. My husband was like the head of the whole family since his dad died when he was 9 leaving him with 4 younger brothers and sisters. His mom also died young, leaving him to deal with all of the family issues. He was also the most successful one in the family so everyone came to him with all of their problems, financial and otherwise. Jim was the big, strong "he-man" that worked 7 days a week, 18 hours a day so that he could help take care of everyone, and so that we could enjoy our retirement. But..at the end, he was really, really worried that he wasn't leaving me financially prepared. I finally had to write down for him all of the assets so that he would quit worrying. However, I do know that his sister and our attorney told me that I could draw on his social security at 59 for two years. Please check into that.

He had chemo for 13 months. While he did have some nasty side effects, we were lucky that he didn't ever get the nausea that a lot do. However, because he couldn't eat he lost an incredible amount of weight. When he was diagnosed he weighed 256lbs and when he passed he weighed 126. I was really angry with his doctor for not insisting that we put the feeding tube in much earlier than we did. Yes, Jim fought it and didn't want it. But the doctor was the one that knew what was going to happen and should have made him do it. We know two others that have been diagnosed with the same type of cancer and both had their feeding tubes put it within the first month, Jim didn't have his put in until 9 months into it and he had already lost over 100lbs. The worst parts for him was not being able to go to work. He had started building another hotrod and he wanted so badly to finish it. He didn't get to. And then of course not being able to eat. The ONLY good thing was that I didn't want to eat in front of him even though he kept telling me that it didn't bother him, I knew it did, so anyway, I lost the 20lbs that I wanted to lose. He would get so upset and say that he didn't want to leave me and the kids, I know that it did make him feel a little bit better on the Saturday before he passed our son, who is 29, told his dad that he didn't have to worry because "I promise dad, I will take care of mom", you could almost see some of the weight lift off of him. He worried so much about us.

For me....I had to start telling him goodbye early, without him really realizing that I was telling him goodbye. I was so afraid that it would sneak up on us and I wouldn't get to say everything to him that I wanted to say and that is exactly what happened. From Sunday morning until he passed away on Wed at noon he got worse than he had in the whole previous year. I still don't know what happened to make him go so quickly. I wasn't in the room when he passed, I had just left 2 minutes before to call our kids, but I think that he choos

Kathleen

I see that it cut me off, so I will hurry and finish this book to you. What I was saying is that I believe he choose to go when I wasn't in the room. Thank goodness that his sister and my sister were there.

I also don't regret one bit not letting anyone else take care of him. I was the only one that ever gave him his meds or did his tube feedings. I just told him that no one else was going to take care of him the way that I wanted him taken care of. But I remember being so tired, he needed his meds every 3 hours, and he had just gotten me a new german shepherd puppy because we had lost ours and he wanted me to have a big dog in the house, anyway between the two of them, I was exhausted. But I also understand that being home with them 24/7 isn't an option for most people. I am blessed that our niece has worked for us for 15 years and knows my job almost better than I do. She really stepped up and took over for me so that I could be home with him.

Through all of this, I guess I am saying, do and say what is right for you. Do you have any kind of I phone or Ipad or tablet. I know that you can download the kindle app and I could loan you the two books that I purchased. One of them really, really helped me during the last three days as I was much more prepared for what would happen. On Tuesday morning when the nurse told me to stop feeding him, I would of argued that I wasn't going to stop feeding him and make him feel like I was giving up, but reading the book I was aware that it was what was best for him.

Kathleen

Please feel free to private message me anytime you want to vent. I would also be happy to give you my phone number as the nights are so hard, sometimes you just want someone to listen to you, I don't sleep well, I am still on the couch, so if you need someone to just listen, I'm up at all hours, and would be happy to just listen.

I know that everyone is telling you this, and just like me, you won't do it, but try and take care of yourself also. You can't take care of him if you get sick.

Thinking of you

Sara

Kathleen,

Every night I go to bed hoping it will happen again. My sister said maybe he was saying goodbye which might be true.  I believe our loved ones stay around for a little while.  I could feel my mom was still with me after she died, but I don't feel that anymore.  I miss my husband and life just feels so pointless without him.  I am just going through the motions until I can be with him again.

Kathleen,

I'm am doing much better because of a book I read. It is called "Never Say Goodbye" by Patrick Mathews. He is a medium and I believe that 99 percent of mediums are fakes but from what I've been able to find out I believe that Patrick actually has the gift of being able to communicate with those who have passed. I think you would get a great deal of comfort out of the book.

i didn't get a chance to say anything to my boyfriend Sean but every night I talk to him and ask him to please come and talk to me in my dreams. Tell me that you love me and that you are ok. I have had other dreams like that from people who have passed in my life. I remember 1 dream I had when he came through a window in a bedroom that I was standing in and he said I'm here. I turned to him and put my arms around him then I woke up. I am hoping I will see him soon in another dream.

Kathleen,

I haven't seen you on here, or heard from you lately. Are you ok? How's Rocky?

Just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you....

Kathleen

I had to be away for awhile. I just wasn't very good company. But...I'm worried about you. I don't see any recent posts.

Hi Kathleen,

Just checking in to see how things are going. Haven't heard from you since before Christmas....You are in my thoughts and prayers....

Kathleen,

Just tell Rocky over and over you love him.  He just needs to hear you say it.  Tell him that your love for him will not stop and that you will see him soon.  That none of this is anybodys fault and that you both did the best you could.  That he has been extremely courageous and you love him for that.

I wish for you the least amount of hurt that you will be enduring and please come here to us.  It is the place where we all know what this is like.  We can help you feel a bit less confused and helpless in this journey. 

Just tell him you love him.  The truth of that will set you both free.  

morgan

Oh Kathleen, I am sooo sorry.  You have been through the wringer with watching your love slowly fade away.  I wish there was anything to say or do to make this easier for you but I am still without answers myself.  Right now you are entering a very surreal place and you will find it impossible to believe where you are.   I would advise you to try to just do the basics.  Just the things you have to do because that will be more than enough.   Small steps to get through the hour.  Just an hour at a time.  Only what rises to the top of the crisis pile.  And that will include lots of crying.  But I think it is the body's way of relieving the mind of the battle that is going on because you will not understand this loss.  

Eat when you can.  I used to take showers when I knew I was going to cry hard because the water helped.  And I would sleep when I could wherever I fell asleep because it is too hard to keep to a routine but try to spend some time doing some of the things you used to.  

You have been here with us while Rocky was sick and I am sorry you are now coming here with the kind of news we all never want to hear.  My heart goes out to you because I know the pain you have and no one deserves this kind of pain.  We are here to help you through the grieving state you are entering and it will seem unimaginable but it is natural especially when we have loved someone as much as we all have.  No one will replace Rocky but you were loved and that is something many never get.  It was truly our gift from them.  Take care. 

morgan

Kathleen

I haven't been on in a long time. I'm so very sorry to hear about Rocky's passing. No matter how long you know it's coming, you are never ready for it. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, but please know I care.

Sara