Its been almost seven months since I lost my mother to cancer and heart disease.My mother has high blood pressure for years and then here comes the cancer. I blame the cancer more than the high blood pressure for my mother's demise. After being diagnosed with the cancer and going through radiation and chemo, she died six months later My mother was my best friend in the whole world. I miss her sooooooo bad. The pain still hits the hardest at nighttime when my mind is idle. I do try to stay as busy as possible during the day. I've only had about three dreams about her since her passing away. ( In the dream, she always says that she's gonna take a cab home instead of her taking her home. Now I know that I can't give her a ride to heaven and that's why the dreams ends like that).

Next Thursday will mark the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing and I just wanted to come on here and maybe be able to help some who have just recently been through the loss.  Diana-my mom was my best friend in the whole world and I miss her sooo much.  I agree about the pain hitting hardest at nighttime, but as the months wane away, that nighttime pain does fade, doesn't go away-I just cried last nite but not as long and not as hard. Cindy, I truly understand what you are going through as we are preparing my moms house for listing. At first I did want it to be sold, but I soon realized that mom would not want the love and peace in her home to evaporate with her passing, but for her home to be filled with new life, new love, new blessings-that just add to those of hers that already exist there. Shawna-your children can know your mom through you and through all of the wonderful memories and stories that you can share with them.  I learned so much of my own grandmother through stories and memories shared, I'd know her in a heartbeat! Amanda- I guess I can relate to much of what you posted as I too felt so alone even with a husband and 2 grown children living at home. I have cried everyday after her passing for some time.  As the months progressed, the crying lessened. Mom was my best friend. We too were very close, and I also played the last week of her life through my head and hated that I just could not get that image out my my head of her dying. It finally went away and was replaced with a much happier image of her. I felt guilty smiling or having a good time too and that too  will weaken and go away and you will go on with your life the way your mom would want you too, but it takes time.

What I have learned over this past year is that cancer sucks! Losing my mom was the hardest thing I have EVER gone through and yet I have survived so I know I have the same moxy my mom had! Grief has no timeline, there's no set time limit on grief, there's no set rules of what one will go through or how one will feel or how one will get through it, but there is one thing for sure-you can't get through it alone..you need your friends and family, and you need this online support group!! It was  my lifesaver when I needed it the most!  Even though I know none of you personally, I feel I can call you "friends" as we have something indeed very special in common-we ALL loved our moms so very very much and we ALL miss our moms so very very much, and our moms watch over us..together!  Have a blessed day everyone!

Jaime- I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  As for what to say to your little girl, I have always followed the advice the experts who say tell them only what they need to know-which would just be that mommy has some stuff inside her body making her sick and the doctors are going to take it out of mommy's body.  Endometriosis surgery has made huge headway and the newer methods are so much less invasive and recovery is so much quicker. If, and I say IF it is endometrial cancer the survival rate is extremely high if caught early and a hysterectomy is completed.  My mom had endometrial cancer-stage 4, radiation cured her of the cancer in the pelvic area, because she was not a candidate for surgery.  Gain support and strength from this group and know you will be in my prayers.

Amanda, I asked those same questions, but you know what my moms answer was when she found out she had cancer.. trust..trust in God, he knows what he is doing and should cancer take my life, it did not win, it lost because I get to go HOME to heaven, a far greater place then earth where cancer cannot win!  Doesn't make losing her any better, but makes me feel good in knowing she was willing to go "home" if that was what God's plan was.

I've created a memorial book of my amazing mom.  this is from the book of my mom.

Janyth, I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. I know what it feels like to miss your mom and have no one to talk about it. I have some family but I don't think they can truly relate to what I'm going through. I'm going to see if there is a grief group here in my city, not sure there is one. Have you considered that?

As for the way to talk to the kids, I can't really help, maybe some mothers in here can share that in here with you later.

Mary, thank you so much for sharing your story and the comments about selling your mom's house.  The past few days have been difficult.  Like your mom, I know she would want to see another happy family live in our home, so I just hope we can find the "right family" that will cherish the house like we did.  I agree that it gets harder at night.  I also think back to the last few weeks and think what I could have done differently.   Mom was 90 and became dehydrated in September.   She was in rehab and due to come home on Oct. 12 and then I get a call she developed c diff from the IV antibiotics she was on and died on Oct. 16.  Instead of bringing her home I was planning her funeral. 

Will say a prayer for you as you approach your mom's first anniversary and again, thank you so much for responding to my comments.

At what point does this awful surge of panic stop?  It's now been over a year and three months since I lost my mom and I'm still waking up from nightmares watching her die and in full panic mode.  For as strange as this sounds I hate going to sleep because I know I'm going to wake up like this all the time and the dreams I have are so horrible I feel like a victim of that post traumatic stress disorder or something.  I am thinking I may need to go see someone about this.  I have to be honest I've never really stopped and grieved over my moms death.  Every thing fell a part so fast and continued to remain that way after her death I just didn't have the time to stop and embrace what all had taken place.  It definitely is filed in your brain though.  I miss my mom so bad.  I still can't believe how it all ended and what we went through.  Seems unreal.  Those around me are more than happy the time has passed.  Their thoughts are selfish.  They assume a year is plenty enough time to deal with all of this.  Of course if it were them that rule will change fast.  I feel like i'm not even really existing on this earth.  I'm floating from job to job to make ends meet and currently have next to nothing.  I hate being around happy people for some reason and rarely answer my phone because I don't like to talk.  I just want my mom back and a chance to have prepared for all of this.

Dear Mark,

My condolences.  I also suffer from PTSD after my wife passed away three years ago.  in Oct. my Mom passed away.  I have been in therapy for three years now and it has really helped.  especially in dealing with my mom's passing in Oct. 

God Bless.

Eliza,I am so sorry.  I know exactly how you feel.  My mom passed away in October (my dad passed away 32 years ago) and I feel so alone.  My husband just doesn't get it either.  Death isn't something you can turn you feelings on and off with.  Each person grieves differently and it seems that you, like me, had a wonderful relationship with your mother.   Of course we want our moms to be here to see our children grow up and to have our children remember what wonderful a wonderful person their grandmother was. 

Yes, people's comments, though they mean well, hurt.  You don't want to be told what your mother would have wanted, you want your mother.  I will never tell anyone that "I am sorry for their loss".  That was such a stinging comment.  It is not any loss, it was my mother! 

I thought I would have had so much more support by all my friends who said they would be here for me.  I need them now, and they just don't seem to have the time.  I wish I had words of wisdom to give you to make you feel less alone.   Will keep you in my prayers.

Oh Jaime, I feel for you.  My mom also died on October 16, 2012.  I am an only child and my husband has 1 sister.  She has not called me once since my mother died, but made a big deal at the wake saying she will be there for me whenever I need her.  On Christmas Eve her husband made a toast "To 2012, the best year yet".  I had to leave the table in tears.  My mother in law and husband shot my sister in law a "if looks could kill" look but she just didn't get it.  Haven't talked to her since Christmas Eve and now she will be coming to my house for Easter.  Don't want to do it, but will for my kids.  Hoping your houseguests are out soon...you need time for you to just absorb the lose of your mom. You are probably doing what your mother would expect you do do, help out a "friend" but your mother would not want you to feel used.  I am so sorry.  The older I get, the less I trust people, so sad to have to say that.  I am here for you.

Tanis,  I am glad you have such wonderful memories of your mother to get you through.  I do also, and that is what I am trying to focus on.  It is only 5 months for mom, but it feels like so long ago that I saw her. As you, all I can think about was how difficult the last few days were and now she is at peace and with my dad (whom she dearly missed for 32 years).  I didn't want her to suffer but I want her here with me now!

I don't really expect people to understand what I'm going through. If you have family and friends that support you, that's great, but grief is a personal journey and only oneself is in charge of dealing with it.

 Before my mom died, I hadn't really thought of death and what it is to lose someone you love so much. Last year the brother of my mom's old employer died. I felt for him, but didn't give it much thought, I had no idea what he could be feeling. Had I been faced with the need to talk to him and comfort him, I would probably have just said daft and shallow things. You don't know what it's like until you experience the pain yourself.

So that's why I don't really expect support from anyone. I'm glad to have people around to be with but that's all.

Tanis, I like the way you express yourself. I read some interesting ideas in your post. Do you go to therapy maybe?

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Mom.  I love you and miss you.

March 17th 2011 was the last day my mom was alive.  It was the last time I was able to kiss her, to hold her hand, to know that there was one person in the world who truly loved me and whom I truly loved.  It was the day before the world ended.

I am often shocked by the insensitiveness of other people, including friends. My mum died 6 months ago suddenly from an aneaurysm and one friend who had not wven sent me a card, asked me to sign a condolance card for another mutual friend who had had bereavemnet!! Recently she is bombarding me with emails as her dad has cancer which has reurned. To be honest i only sent her a brief email saying  i was sorryt o hear that. All her other emails i am ignoring.

Thank you Tanis,

God Bless.

Hugs, Ann....

Michael, beautiful picture of your mom.  Did she enjoy reading?

Eliza & Amanda,

I am so sorry that your friends disappointed you so. The tragic truth is that sometimes we just don't understand another's pain or what they need of us as a friend, unless we have faced a similar loss or tragedy. Even when we have a friend that suffers a loss, I really think we know how we felt and we try to give our friend what we needed at the time of the comparable loss. Don’t give up completely on your friend even though she has fallen so short – one day she will need you because she has “NO IDEA”.

Find comfort in knowing that God cares for us individually and is always ready to help. (Isaiah 41:10) “’Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not gaze about, for I am your God. I will fortify you. I will really help you. I will really keep fast hold of you with my right hand of righteousness.’”

He also says, “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.” (James 4:8) We humans are imperfect and we just don’t know what to do sometimes. As you have learned, the things people say will seriously surprise you – sometimes you just want to shake them to their senses. But grief is a journey not a destination and we all handle it differently in our own way and in our own time.

There is so much truth in some words that Karen R wrote in a recent post, “It's so hard to say WELCOME to such a club because it's not a place where any of us would volunteer to belong to but I do say welcome to a group that totally understands what you are going through.” Please also know that I will listen anytime.

So (((((HUGS)))))  - I will keep you both in my prayers.

Your friend,

Brenda

Mawmaw1591@gmail.com

(Proverbs 17:17) A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.

Thank you Cindy,

My Mom was an amazing woman.

My mom got polio when she was 11,

I miss you mommy.

Even at 12 years old, she was already amazing.

Thank you all,

My condolences to everyone.

Thank you for the kind words.

I am overwhelmed that you enjoyed my mom's autobiography and you got a glimpse of her greatness.

God Bless everyone.

Michael, thanks for posting that. I wish I knew how my mom was and what she thought at that age. So many things I can't ask her now.

I read this poem today (by St Augustine)

"Love never disappears for death is a non-event.

I have merely retired to the room next door.

You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.

Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.

Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.

Smile and think of me.

Life means what it has always meant.

Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?

I will wait for you, I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.

You see, all is well."

It's beautiful, I wish I could do as the poem says, but it's just too hard not to miss so much the life we had together!

Melisa C; that was beautiful..thank you for sharing it with all of us.

This is just such a painful process.  I feel for everyone on here.  It will only be 3 months since my mom passed but in a way it seems like forever.  At times I feel better at times, like now I feel so miserable. This can't be good for my body.  My chest hurts, my head hurts, my body is so tense. I feel like I can hear my heart beating in my head.  My body feels like it weighs a ton. It is so hard to even move. 

Most people understand how I feel, that grieving is hard and it takes a while to be able to move on, except for few people in my family! I can't snap my fingers and this feeling be over with...oh how I wish I could. 

There are things that I just don't want to have to deal with right now.  But others are forcing me to make decisions when I know I am not in the right place to make those decisions.

I want to go to my mom's house this weekend.  I want her to meet me in the kitchen with her excited voice "oh Nancy is here" and give me a hug.  I want her to sit down at the table and start asking me questions and her to tell me how she has been.  I want things how they use to be. 

Dear Nancy,

Me Too.

My deepest condolences.

God Bless

hi all, im missing my mom a lot today, im actually wearing one of her sweaters....its ok though....my mom's name was nancy....im thinking of her a lot....its been over 2 years since her passing, seems longer....I love you mom....hi Michael, hope you are doing ok, mercy, I love you, WRITE!

Hi everyone. This is my first day in this group, as well as my first day on this page. About 3 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I didn't think too much about it. I was thinking that was curable, she had a hysterectomy and chemo and radiation treatments until she supposedly went into remission.  Then, during a routine scan, they found spots on her liver, and that scared me to death.  When she broke her hip, it was biopsied and showed cancer in the bones. She didn't share that news with anyone.  Within about 6 months, I saw her for the last time. A hollowed out shell of the woman she used to be. She couldn't even talk to me.  She passed away about a week later, on Oct. 1 2012, 30 days before my birthday.  The last time I cried was that last day I saw her at the hospital.  I planned the funeral, took the train to NY for her funeral, then returned to WI.  I have not cried.  I just pushed it all down inside.  Now, when I think of her, I get this vague pain in my chest, and I force myself to think about something else.  I really need to grieve the loss of her but I don't even know now how to even attempt that.  All I can do is say, "Mom, I love you."

Hugs to everyone. It's 6 months since mum died and it's getting harder not easier. I've been having the same dream for the past 2 weeks. Mum is sittin g with me and i'm clutching hear hand and asking her to take me with her and she keeps sayning no. I have ME and am bedbound at the moment with a relapse and As mum was my carer throughout my illness i can't hepl but think of the times when she just sat with me and held my hands and that made me feel better always. To be honest all i seem to think about in the past 2 weeks is that i wish to die and join her.It's the first time sinec she died that i am feeling this so much.

Tomorrow it will be 1 year since my mom passed away.  I miss her so very much.  I would give anything for one hug from her.  To hear her voice.

I am thinking about you Mary. I haven't made it to 3 months, I can't even imagine what one year will be like.

Dr S Gh...hang in there.  Hopefully those thoughts will pass soon.

Karen, please feel free to express your grief here.  Even if someone doesn't reply, we are reading what you have to say.  I am good at pushing things down deep too, but losing my mom is a very raw emotion for me.  I cry...not everyday, but I do cry.  I had a good cry earlier.

Shawna, I too feel like I make progress and then I take many steps back.  I feel almost like i have to start the process over.  I wish I could hide from the world.  I was just looking at going to the beach for several days.  Going to the beach is my escape.  Even if it is still cool listening to the waves helps me relax.  I want to go alone...so i can cry if and when I want to and not feel like I am burdening someone. 

This last may me and my sisters were going to take my mom to the beach for a girls get-a-way. Unfortunately we did not go, my brother-in-law had to have surgery. We had said that if all of us couldn't go that none of us were going.The next month is when we found out my mom had cancer.  Six months later she died.  I so wish we would have taken my mom!!!  I regret not going!!!!  I regret so much!

Okay, I just realized I am rambling...

so, when does "time heal all wounds"?  I lost my Mom on Feb 12th, 2013 and it's a struggle to get thru each day.  She was elderly, almost 87, and suffered from parkinson's disease; the last year was a struggle for her.  But, she passed on abruptly and I had no chance to say goodbye.  I don't know, people think it shouldn't matter so much if your parent is old, but perhaps it's the reverse. I had my Mom with me for a very long time, longer than I expected.  Now that she is gone, there's a huge void.  And yet, I feel some relief as I was responsible for her care, which was a tremendous burden, physically, financially and emotionally.  I don't know, are these feelings normal?  At the end of each day, I just fall apart.  Everyone says "it will get better"...really?

Dear Jeff,

My deepest condolences.  I understand how you are feeling.  God Bless.

The farther away I get from my mom's death (September 2012), the easier it seems to get. Don't get me wrong, not a day goes by where I don't think about my mom, and I still get sad...but I realize that she's not in any pain anymore and that she'd never want me to be so constantly sad all the time. Still...I feel like something's wrong. That I shouldn't be this far ahead. I don't think I'm bottling anything up but I feel like something's going to bite me in the behind. 

thanks.  I take some solace in the fact that her struggles w/her disease are now over...the last 10yrs, the last 5 in particular, were very difficult for her.  I was speaking to a colleague in a similar position re: eldercare.  Your life revolves around making sure your parent is cared for, fed, etc., etc. and then it's suddenly over.  It's a rough shock to the system.  I lost my dad when I was a kid--he was only 50-- and because of that I always had this fear that my Mom would die when I was young. She lived much longer than I expected, yet I think I probably miss her even more :-(