Hi Anne.  I know today is a hard day for you, as it is for me as well.  Christmas is not the same without our moms.Your mother sounds so much liked like my mother so I know what you are going through.  I just today read your profile.  My mom used to call and sing to each of us on our birthdays too.  I'd call you and sing happy birthday to you :) We seem to have been going through much of the same stuff, the "why bothers" and "Who cares" and the depression and flashbacks.  I hear a Christmas song and start crying.  The flashbacks to her last day and the weeks before she was even diagnosed to the day I was finally able to go see her-I had been sick for a few weeks and was not allowed to go visit her as she had just finished radiation treatments and her immunity was low.  After being sick 2 weeks I showed up to surprise her and when she saw me she acted like she had not seen me for years and kept saying "I love you so so much!'  I flash back to that and wonder if she knew that something was wrong and she had the brain tumor that took her life just weeks later. So many coulda, woulda, shouldas go through my mind.

Hi Anne, hope you had a good day yesterday mine was ok had a few melt downs. This is painful stuff isn't it not really sure how to go about fixing it either when I know the only thing that is going to make me better I am not going to get. My heart is bleeding and i am trying to stuff all these things in there to stop the bleeding but they keep falling out thats kind of how I feel. Really the only thing that keeps me going is knowing other people have done it and they have it way worse than me. I feel kind of bad yesterday I tried to talk on here couldn't do it left in the middle of a conversation but I was having a melt down couldn't even see the screen too many tears. Hope you have a good day praying for you -Tim

I would be happy to be your friend!