Jo -- I often wish I'd had brother and sisters because being the only kid isn't all it's advertised to be. But your siblings are behaving terribly! That is just so disrespectful and shallow. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that situation. You & Nancy both have my sympathy!

Mark -- My dad wanted me to go through my mother's things a couple of months after she'd passed. I wanted to be a good little soldier, so I started on the project when he was out of the house. It was brutal. I didn't get very far, because I was crying so hard I was heaving. I didn't actually throw up, but I can see how you would have. It's like getting shot in the chest all over again. I feel so badly for you; I know that pain. It's good to hear from you again. I hope you're doing better.

Marie -- When I hear my mouth say, "My mother died last spring" to someone, I am not really connected to the words at all. On some level, I still can't believe she's gone. I don't think it ever gets easy -- even after two years.

Thank you all so far i am feeling better so far so good. I needed to let all that out. It is nice to just say what you want and let go of some stress. This has helped me along with a few good friends i go to meetings with. I am recovering addict so ive done good i think to just keep sober in this time. I have three years in but never thought of wanting to go back as bad as when all this was first going on and with all the fuss. JUDY im sorry you never had anyone to fuss with and it has not always been this way. Also the fact that being an addict or alcoholic runs in our blood helps nothing. I wish the best for my sisters and brothers and if my sis can get one full year clean time in she is welcome to the end tables i took. However i will be keeping the desk cause i should get something. I THINK! Oh i just want too forgive and be forgave. ya know as if this part was over.

Hello Friends,

Lost my mom June 26, 2010 - it never gets easier just some days are less empty. I have been pretty down the past week. Lost my job, which I loved in October. The job hunt sucks. I have to remind myself of what I do have going for me, so many others hurting worse. I cannot waite until God decides I have earned my place in heaven so I can see my mom again. I feel so alone somedays. I know you all understand. It helps to write how I feel knowing you do understand. My sisters just turned their backs on me and never looked back. Just didn't have the time for me they said - and not even that nice. They said "We can't give you what you want from us"....and all that I wanted was their love, a hug....after mom passed. I had to understand the truth - they were always pretty selfish and mean. Mom was all I had. I have good friends but absolutely no family and that hurts all of the time. Hang in there...we have to.

Jennifer - I SO know what you mean and you are not alone! My mom actually worked in a building across from my house and most mornings we'd actually pass each other - me headed to work, and she headed to work. She would always beep and we'd waive. Or sometimes I would be beeping and she would never hear or see me! lol  It is still hard for me to pull out of my complex because I know she won't be driving down the street. I can barely look at the building anymore without tears.

I hope everyone can feel a little better by being in this group and sharing feelings that we can only understand. It is just so frustrating when people just assume that I am just automatically better. I am not better, and I probably won't be better for a long time. My heart still aches for my mom.

I had one lady ask me a few months ago "how long did it take for you to get over your loss". Seriously I could have punched her in the face at that very moment! It took all of me not to. I just said "when you lose your mom, come back and talk to me".  People can be so insensitive.

Yes, agreed - on our own schedule and by our own means.

I was seeing a counselor when my mom was sick and shortly before she died but I stopped going after she died. I guess I did not want to talk about it to a counselor or anyone. I just wanted to grieve on my own and with my siblings. But, I have realized now going on 2 years that I have a very long way to go. So, I thought about going back but it is very expensive so I am grateful to have found this group because it is helping me so much in just the few days that I have been here. And, I am not shelling out $300 a month seeing someone!

Wishing the best to you all!

Yesterday was 4 weeks since we buried my mom.  It was a hard day. I had to take today off from work.  I just couldn't get out of bed this morning.  I so so so hope it gets easier. 
This weekend I am meeting my sisters at my moms to clean up.  I hope they don't want to go through her clothes and things!! We do need to go through the cabinets and clean them out but I couldn't bear to go through her clothes.  Unfortunately I was the one who gathered my mothers clothes undergarments for her to be burried in.  That was so hard to do!!!  I just shook...I too felt so sick to my stomach.  I can't tell you how many sprites I drank to settle my stomach. 

My mom didn't get to open her Christmas presents.  That still bothers me.  She asked me the day after Christmas if I opened them, I told her no, that when she comes home she can open them.  Well, that was the day she was taken to the hospital 2 days later she died. 

Christmas eve has always been a big celebration for my family.  We were all there but my mom was to sick to leave the nursing home that evening.  She told me it was okay that I should go be with everyone.  I left there crying so hard.  I didn't want to cry in front of my mom but I couldn't help it.  I keep thinking what are we going to do for Easter? for Thanksgiving for Christmas?  It is hard enough to bear that she is gone but to celebrate holidays without her???  I just don't know how I am going to do it!

The only thing that is really keeping me going is my son and beautiful ganddaugher.  I am truly blessed with them...plus I am going to be a grandma again in July.  One life ends, another life begins. 

Thanks for support and understanding.  Privately I feel so stupid for not having the strength to remove her belongings after a year but I can't explain the agony it creates.  I'm still shocked at how I actually became physically sick which is something I've never experience while dealing with moms loss.  It may be too final of an act that my soul just isn't ready for.  In some of her stuff is a pink pillow.  Hand stitched and a favorite of hers.  Naturally I picked it up and held it tight to my face and inhaled to see if it smelled like her and the smell was very faint but it was still her.  I said outloud that I was losing her smell since it wasn't as strong.  So I'm thinking doing this getting rid of stuff is too much for me subconsciously.  Her personal belongings are sacred to me if that makes sense?  Even down to the smallest handwritten notes to herself in the last month of her life.   She would practice writing simple words because she was afraid the cancer would metastasize to her brain.  The notes are heartbreaking knowing why they are written but they are also invaluable to me.

I did something last month I feel so guilty about. The neighbor lady next door hurt her foot and knew I have my moms crutch's.  Now people have to understand that my moms crutch's were her legs almost her entire life starting at the age of 9.  The last 10 years of her life were spent in an electric scooter but she still used the crutch's to stand with.   So for me those are mommys legs.  From the day we looked at each other they were a part of our unique life together.  They will never ever leave my presence.  And NO ONE is allowed to touch them.  When I told the neighbor woman no she could not use them she got real mad.  I told her I would personally take her where ever she needed to go to get a set of her own.  I'd even go and pick her up some but she stormed off.

I'm sorry but there are just certain things I can't let go of and can't allow strangers to touch. 

Mark -- I feel the same way about certain things of my mother's, and no one, NO ONE, will be getting their hands on those items. Not family, not friends, not neighbors. At least not now. And maybe never! I do understand the sacredness of those things. I got my mother's hair brush off of the shelf in the hospital bathroom just before they wheeled her off to surgery. Some of her hair is still in it from the last time she ever brushed her hair. I have it in a special place in my home, and I don't care at all what people think if they see it. So, don't feel badly about those crutches. I totally get it. "Sacred" is the perfect word for certain items. Their value is transcendent.

Judy we are kindred spirits :) I also have my moms comb and brush. They are in a zip lock bag and no one is allowed to touch or use them. Talk about preserving something valuable those two things are priceless to me. They each have her heads distinctive aroma on them. Not to mention her hair. The thing is I don't have any of her personal items on display nor do I daily go in and pay some homage to them. I just know they are there and safe with me. When I am looking for something or cleaning and pass by them some times I do stop and look through them and touch them and yes, smell them. It's my connection that I need at that moment. I'd probably blow a gasket if i saw someone just randomly touching them. The whole crutch's thing was strange to me that my neighbor would be angry but in being fair I'm sure there is no way she'd ever understand the journey those crutch's have taken. If they could talk they'd definitely have their own personality LOL. At one point as a little guy they were even a toy for me to use when not being used by mom. Stilts and even a rifle :) Sacred is definitely the correct word.

My mom died March 18th, 2011.  Her room is just like she left it.  Her boots are next to the bench she used to sit on when she was putting them on.  I spray her perfume on her bed every now and then when the scent begins to fade.  I feel like she is just away and not gone and I will be with her again.  Her room is the only place I feel at peace and I will never change it.

My mothers room isn't like she left it.  It has been 50% of her stuff is already gone.  Not my idea.  I lost my mom and now I feel like I am losing my family too...IT is hard to deal with.  My mom is gone, my trust in my brother & sister are gone, the house I grew up in might be gone next.  All within 6 weeks.  It is not fair!!!  My parents worked so hard for their home.  I am sure my parents are so so so mad at my brother and sister!!  I can hear them fussing!! I am so trying to honor my parents memory.  Technically I can afford to buy the house, but it will definately be a financial burden for a while.  Is it worth it?  Plus I live 100 miles away. I just feel so torn. 

Dear Nancy,

My condolences.  I understand what you are going through.  it sucks.

god bless,

Mike

Mornings are just so hard. I get up to go to work and mom's not there to say bye to me. I would call her a couple of times from work so we could share what we were doing in that moment.

Going back to the apartment is also awful. For the first days I could imagine she'd be there waiting for me and we'd have lunch, now I just walk slowly because I know I'll be alone.

I'm left looking at pictures of her, after sharing all my life with her. Yesterday I slept all afternoon after getting home from work. Seems sleep is one of the few comforts left. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist but haven't gotten an appointment yet. This is more than I can bear.

My mom passed away one year ago today, on February 8^th 2012 from cancer. I had been meaning to post a message on this site shortly after she passed but I never did. My mom was the sweetest and most loving lady in her 75 years on this earth. She did the Lord's work and was full of love. She was selfless and full of compassion toward her loving family and friends. I sorely miss my mom. There was an irrevocable change when she passed. I feel our family was closer when my mom was alive. She was the heart and soul that held the family together. I wish she can read this and still talk to me. It just isn't the same without having the moms around. She was always there for me. I made my first documentary film that I just finished in January and it is a shame that she did not see it when she was still alive. She would have been so happy and absolutely delighted to have seen the finished film. As it was, she only saw a rough edit that was only 15 minutes long before she passed away. I feel a part of me died with her, and there is a void that I have tried to fill with other things but I still have that feeling that a part of me is empty. My mom followed the example of Jesus in her life. She was not a phony person like so many people today. She was genuine, the real thing. She was different. She did not base her life on money or other material things that most people in this era equate with success. My mom was a success in her life because of her love. Love is probably the only absolute on this Earth. I pray my mom is in eternal bliss looking after me and my dad and my brother and his wife and children. We all miss her in a way that words will never adequately describe. Please spare a positive thought for my loving mom today.

I guess I would just say to take it minute by minute! Everyone always tells me, "take it day by day" but that is even too hard to do. I can be fine one minute and then I might see a car like hers, or someone might say the word "mom" in a conversation and I will turn into a complete mess!

Do not feel bad about crying! You have to grieve however your heart and mind tells you to. It is worse to try and "stay strong" because in the long run that grief is going to come out and it may end up being so much worse.

I totally relate to you with regards to being sick. It's been 2 years now (as of 2/23) and I am still seeing doctors regarding the many health problems that were brought on by my mom's illness and death - basically I stressed myself so much that I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, I gained 15-20 lbs, I started losing my hair and had no energy.  I am finally regaining some of my health back...when people say "stress can kill you" they are not joking!

I really wish you all the best. Maybe it can give you some comfort in knowing that we all feel your pain, and we understand what you are going through.

Wow Andrew, as I read your post it reminded me so much of my own mother.  She too followed the example of Jesus all her life.  She loved Jesus so much and God.  At her funeral mass the priest said that most people he's met, and including himself knew OF God and his son, but that my mom knew God and his son because she turned every aspect of her life over to him and trusted him like no other he'd ever met.  I miss her so very much.  It will be a year in March, yet I feel like I've been without her for so long.

I am an only child too Jamie but I have no spouse, no children.  So you can see why I am patiently waiting to be with my mom again.  Day after day I wait.

My condolences to everyone.

I lost my mom on Sept 28 2012, at 12 noon and everyday I miss her.  She was an amazing wife, mom, grandmother, auntie, cousin and friend.  She is missed by so many, but i feel I am having the hardest time.  I was very close to my mom and i already suffer from PSTD from my wife's sudden death from colon cancer 3 and a half years ago.

God Bless everyone.

Hi, Jaime -- Your mother died so very young. I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. The sorrow is beyond description, and there is no way to predict how you will feel from one minute to the next. It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself -- expecting yourself to be able to go to her burial site, having difficulty being able to go into your parents home, trying to "replace" her for your family by preparing Valentine's dinner, etc. These are very hard things to do, and everyone has a different timetable. If you can, just have to let things develop as they will, and give yourself permission to feel what you feel in that moment. There are no rules, no "shoulds." The special days -- her birthday, your birthday, Easter, etc. are so memory-laden that you can probably expect yourself to react emotionally. I know I have. There's just no way to escape it. Your physical health will suffer if you try to be everything for everyone, and also if you don't let yourself have your feelings. A friend on mine told me to set aside time for grieving everyday. I thought that was the weirdest advice I'd ever heard. But she was right. I can't say that I've been able to do that on schedule, but I can tell when the grief builds up and needs to be released. So, I watch the DVD of photos my dad & I put together for her service. I am always surprised at how much I've stuffed inside. Just know you're not alone with the pain. The folks on this board have really been helpful to me.

Wow, Michael. I didn't realize you'd lost your wife, too. That's just awful. It's a big burden to carry on top of also losing your mother. Please know that you have my deepest condolences. Your mom's death must be so hard for you. God bless you, too.

It's hard to understand how, when they are not here, we must go on. We have to cook, clean, go on with  our lives but they are not here and they won't come back. I know that's the way life is, but it seems so unfair!

I have no advice on how to go on because I am stuck, not wanting to live in a world without my mom.  I think, if you have children, you must go on for them because you are the most important person in their lives. If you are alone, like me, I have no advice.

I'm a childless only child, too. I still have my dad, bless his heart. I know he hurts terribly, but he soldiers on by keeping busy. I also think those, "last-time-I-did-X, Mother-was-here" things, Marie. There is always something that makes me miss my mother every single day. I talk to her sometimes. I guess that's ridiculous, but it helps.

Me too, I'm an only child, single and no children. I guess that's why the loss of my mom felt like crashing into a wall. I was thinking of some things she did, like looking into a scar I had and telling that after all this time it was still red... holding my hand and checking how my rash was doing... worrying about what I eat/not eat. 

Stuff that I'll never have again. Someone caring like that.

It'll be 5 months since I lost my mom and it is not getting any easier.  I miss my mom so much, i can't describe it.  I'm the only one that is really suffering, other than my dad, but he doesn't talk much.  But i can tell he misses my mom a lot.  They were married 61 years, so i know he misses her.

God bless everyone,

Take care and much love,

Mike

It seems like we're all hurting a lot right now. My grief seems to be sort of random, but really strong. Down here in Texas, the seasons are starting to change. I wonder if that has something to do with it? That, and another holiday... This is the first year I haven't received a Valentine card from my mother. She always, always sent cards -- even for St. Patrick's Day -- and we aren't Irish!

What strikes me about all of these recent posts is that whether it's been 3 months or 3 years, the pain is still with us. Blessings on all of you. It's good we aren't alone.

Death is such a final thing... I can't believe I have to live without mom. She was and is such a huge part of me, that I know I have to go on, but don't know how. Life is so cruel. I don't think it was her time to go at all... she had her health problems but she could have lived for many years more. I wish I had thought about the possibility of her dying. I guess I did but it was too unbereable a thought and it was pushed away.

Had I known she would die I would have done things a bit differently. Now it's no use. Not sure if she hears me when I say I love her or if she even still is my mother, wherever she is.

So hard to go on! I send you all a hug, you know what it's like to have to survive without someone you love and miss so much.

My mom has been gone for 2 months.  In that 2 months I have had a birthday (my mom was the only one who never forgot) It was the worst birthday ever.  I did have friends try very hard to make it a good day, but my heart just wasn't in it.  Valentines day, first one without a card or a VD joke.  My brothers birthday is this week, I'm all he has now, so feel like I need to try to do what she would have done for him.  March 5th will mark would have been my moms 58th birthday. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, how can I be expected to heal when these reminders will be there forever? I have never been in so much pain and feel like it's never going to get better.

Hi Jaime.  I can certainly understand where you are coming from and I too would want my mom there, I always wanted my mom there when I was going through something rough and when I had my two C-sections.  As for telling you what to do.  I would say that you if the only solution is the hysterectomy then if you are in that much pain, it might be the only logical solution. I guess I would be inclined to do some research and see if there are any other known solution to the same issue you are having, maybe get another opinion and if surgery is the only option, find the best surgeon AND most importantly ask for the best anesthesiologist and make SURE they know your complete history.  As for feeling like a woman-dear, we are more then our uterus and ovaries and boobs.  You won't be any less of a woman because of a hysterectomy except for dealing with a monthly cycle.  They also have perfected the hormones that they can give women who have gone through hysterectomies so that you continue to have them in your system. I think more then anything your mom would want you to be pain free and I think you will have a guardian angel watching over you. Lean on your friends.  I will say prayers for you and hope you can find your answers.

You wrote just how I feel, Melisa C. Down to the bone. Thanks for that poignant read.

Jaime -- But she WILL be there! You'll be unconscious for your surgery, and she's probably where you will easily find her and vice versa. Just wait and see... It will take some getting used to, but you are still a woman without your plumbing. Maybe you're have to symbolically grow up in a hurry?

Misti -- It seems illogical, but those brutal reminders are there to actually help you heal, not hinder you. It just hurts like hell, that's all. Sort of like alcohol on an open wound?

It struck me tonight that one thing I really wish I had done was to curl up next to my mother as she was dying (although we didn't know that at first), or even after she passed away. We were never a very demonstrative family, so that would hever have happened in real life. But I do wish I hadn't been so overwhelmed in my heart that I couldn't act. Mostly out of fear, I suppose.

Jaime, sorry to hear about the ER - please take care of yourself! Get the second opinion but your life is miserable when you can't even walk upright. The longer you go on this way the longer you are not living.

From your profile picture, my guess is that your mom and you have a positive outlook on life and an excellent sense of humor. I was reading an article you may enjoy:

Facing Illness With a Sense of Humor

http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102005289

Hope you read the article and can face your surgery with a smile. Please contact me by email with your address so I can send you a card - mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Brenda

Jaime Blythe: My prayers and thoughts are with you...

Hi Lucy I'm very sorry for your loss. I feel the same way as you do, it's been a month and a few days for me... It's too soon and that's why it's completely understandable how you are feeling. Our moms were a huge part of our world and now we have to learn to live without them. I don't know when will it get better, but know that you are not alone in your feelings. I send you a hug and my thoughts are with you.