I thought as time passed the days would get easier but it is only getting harder.  Each day I find my self crying more and isolating myself more.  Where ever I go it reminds me of her.  Whatever I do reminds me of her. I talk to her and answer myself in my head thinking it is her.  The pain at times is overbearing.  I lost the other half of myself.  I don't know who I am now.  I am so sorry to all those who have lost a loved one.  I understand what everyone is feeling.  Blessings and love. 

Kim, hugs to you.  It has been a really short time since you lost your friend.  I can tell you I was worse the second month and third month after my husband died than I was right after.  It was as if my mind just couldnt handle all the pain and shut down.  I refer to it as being on auto pilot.  I think it was part shock as well.  When I started coming out of that state of shock it was horrid!!  I think you might be experiencing something similiar.  It will get somewhat better as time goes on. 

Its been a year, when does it get better? 

It will be a year for me July 1st and honestly it is just in the past couple of weeks that I have had some real changes happening in my grief.  It will never be better.  Better was and will always be what I had when my husband was alive and our children were all healthy and happy.  But it is feeling calmer and more manageable and that is better in a sense.  Hugs Maura.

xo Anna; blessings to you and your family too!

Maura, for me it has been 1 year, 5 months and 9 days since I lost Harry. It is sometimes ok and then a wave comes over you. A song on the radio, a place you used to go together and it all comes back. The tears start and then a little peace comes over me. I come back to reality and remember that it is what it is and I just have to go on somehow, but never like it was before. I know he is good where he is, but for all of us it is not so easy. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing he is not suffering anymore and that one day we will meet again.

Thank you so much Jeanne Potter; I hear you!  I hope we get to a better place together!

Jeanne you are so right.  My last meltdown was last night while on the phone with a dear long distance friend.  My call waiting starting beeping and I said to my friend, I will call my sister back later.  If it is good news it will still be good news and if its bad, it wont get worse"  As the last words left my mouth I started to sob.  That is what my husband used to say when our grown children would ask where we where going for our weekend get-away.  We liked to Friday night just throw a few things in a bag and take off to a bigger city near us.  We would go out for dinner, take in a movie or hockey game, and spend the night in any number of nice motels.  It was our time.  No distractions.  Just writing this has started the tears.  I miss him and our time together so much.  I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea I have to live without him. 

Hi Anna, its funny to hear someone talk about hockey, let alone know what it is down here in Louisiana.  Don't know how I'm going to sell those snow shoes or skis here!  Yeah, its great to think about the routines we created with our soul mates; Friday night dinners, tail gating on the back of the pickup, (with my own queen stadium chair), Sunday morning breakfast, eggs and hash; its really refreshing to hear your story too!  Good for you, don't forget the good feelings it brought. 

Debra, I believe it was you who said that you experienced the worst grief after the 3rd month. I have found that my grief worsened in the 3rd + months as well. I think that is because that is the time that the people that had surrounded you with outpourings of support go back to their normal routines, you have finished up taking care of the business of death, and all you are left with are your feelings. You are right, the numbness wears off. The reality of your new life sets in and leaves you with overwhelming feelings of lonliness and loss. At times it is very difficult to get past these feelings. It would be very easy to stay in bed, to not face the days. However, each day that I wake up, I think about the gifts that my husband left me, and there are many, but none more precious than my sons. Those things drive me to continue to move forward, to make the most of the life that I have left and encourage my boys to do the same. I owe it to them. I do believe that each day will continue that each day will continue to get better and easier to deal with. My husband will always be a part of my life, the love of my life, but it will get better. 

Dear Maura,

It's been alsmot 3 years for me and it absolutely does not get easier or better.  We just learn to deal with it.  I still cry, I still get flashbacks, I still tear up at anytime when i hear that song, or pass our favorite spot, or think of something special we did.  I miss my Denise, life will never be the same.

I just don't know how much one person can take.  I lost my grandmother a year ago, my best friend/soulmate 3 weeks ago and now my aunt has a few months to live.  Cancer is such a monster.  People dump all this money into cancer society and still...... people are dying at high rates of cancer. 

Karen, I'm sorry for your loss but you comment about Debra's helps me so much. My soulmate passed away just 3 months ago. Like you said my grief has gotten worse. I find myself so lost and missing him more everyday. I still can't sleep at night and don't want to leave my house. I am tired of hearing peoole telling me time heals or I know how you feel. I'm sorry but if you haven't lost the love of your life..... then no you don't know. I've been looking for a greif support that gets together. I feel like my friends get tired of me crying to them. Just so lonely now.

Debbie, I can relate, I have also had trouble sleeping and have to make myself leave the house to do what I have to do.  My family seems to think I should be able to get on with living but somehow I can't.  My friends have been very supportive but I feel guilty calling them or crying on their shoulders whenever they come by.  So far I have been unable to locate a grief support group in my area .. just keep being told they will start again in the fall.  I am here for you if you want to talk.  

Here it is 1:15am and another sleepless night. I lay here and think of all the happy times we shared but the tears keep flowing. I have never had someone I loved so much pass away before. So confused and lost.

This is yet another restless, almost sleepless night.  Its early hours of the morning and for the past hour have debating how mad my neighbours would be if I cut the grass .. just to be doing something and not feel so alone and helpless.

Mary and Debbie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do understand and continue to struggle with each day. Seems unless I keep myself working on some project I just feel like I am going through the motions. I did want to say though that I get notice every few months from the hospice my husband was with about their grief counsuling group. They meet once a week for eight weeks. I would contact your local hospice even if you did not have anything to do with them. I went to two different ones and it was good to talk with others that were going through similar losses. If nothing else it will get you out and with people that truely understand what you are going through. Although it won't bring back our loved ones, it can help with the coping a little better. Good luck to you both. PS my friend lost her husband suddenly in January and is still having trouble sleeping. She is going to her dr. about it. They say it can be many reasons but depression is one of the biggest. It may help if you have not gone already.

Thank you Jeanne. I have so many emotions going on. One of the things in my story that is different from what I have seen in most post is they told me they had gotten all his cancer and he would be fine. We were told on April 1, 2011 that he had head & neck cancer (tongue cancer) He had caught a cold in mid Feb and thats when I could tell a difference. On March 5th I was suppose to go out of town for a couple days but would not go. Then on the 6th he promised me he would be fine for me to go. I checked on him by text all that day and night and he assured me he was ok. Wed morning no text I could feel my heart sinking after a couple of hours of not hearing from him. I was 2 hours away from home. That seemed like it took me days to get home. I feel so guilty that I was not home with him. They the emts and doctors tell me there wouldn' t have been anything I could've done. They don't understand I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE WITH HIM!! He was not suppose to leave me. It gets harder everyday!

I am so sorry that you went through it that way Debbie. I had no illusions from the moment I heard the words brain mass that the outcome would be good. They never gave us any great hope either but we had choices and for 16 months we did all we could together knowing we did not have long. We renewed our vows on 6/22/10 for our 25th anniversary and had everyone there that we knew. Exactly 6 months later I lost him. I had him at home with me at the end and I am so thankful that I could. As for what happened to you I have to say that the morning I woke up and heard Harry's breathing increased I knew it was time. I talked to him for almost 45 minutes telling him it was ok to go that I would be ok and we would meet again etc. Suddenly our motion lights went on outside and it distracted me for just a second and I turned to look. When I turned back he was gone. For the last two days of his life he could not speak and just slept. So although I was with him, I believe that he did not want me to see him go and so the distraction. Your husband may not known that while you were gone this would happen but again he may not have wanted you to see it happen. Believe me no matter how it happens it was meant to be and you truly could not change that. He knows you love him and is waiting for you. Don't waste time dwelling on the things you cannot change. I know you will but maybe down the road you can look past it. Remember the happy times even when they hurt you to think of them. When the time is right we will all be together again. Take care of yourself and try to find a group. It is really good to talk to people that have lived it. I have heard others talk about being upset that they were not with the person, but that is not what matters in the big picture. That is how I feel anyway and maybe what helps me get through it. Jeanne

Hi Jeanne, thanks for your insight.  Debbie, I am also sorry you were not there with your husband but Jeanne is right you cannot dwell on what you cannot change.  All you can do is try to go on and live as you know your husband would want you to.  This coming from somebody still struggling with my emotions and grief .. but in my heart I know this is true.  

My regret is that we cancelled plans to travel to Scotland when my husband was diagnosed, the one place he really wanted to go.  But I can't change that but maybe when I am stronger emotionally and have saved enough I will take our dream trip for him, let him see through my eyes and I know he is always with me still.  One day I do believe we will be together again and that there is a reason I am left behind right now .. but that doesn't make it any less hard.

In the meantime, I am going to try to reach out to others and live as I believe he wanted me to.  

Debbie,

My best friend/soulmate had cancer and she passed 3 weeks ago

Cancer is a systemic disease.  Just because they told you they got it all doesn't mean they did.  Cancer is sneaky. It hides.   The day my she passed I tried gently rubbing her head b/c she loved that but she shook her head as if to push me away.  The hospice nurse said that she would probably pass in a day or two.  Well once we all left- I went to get her morphine liquid at the pharmacy,   her son and sister went to lay down for a bit-- she passed.  I didn't want her to pass alone and I felt so guilty but I believe now that is the way she wanted to go.  She wanted us all to leave.  This was her journey (passing) and she needed/wanted to do it alone.  It sounds like you husband was the same way.

Debbie in 2008 my husband had a spot removed from his calf.  It was melanomo and it took 2 operations to get clear margins.  They took the lymph nodes in the groin and biopsied those as well, which were clear.  Catscans came out negative so we were told they got it all and would only do blood work to keep an eye on it.  I pushed hard to have him get a Petscan but nope they wouldnt do it.  Tom had blood work done in January 2011 and it was fine but 4 months later he was in agonizing pain and dying.  It boggles my mind how his doctors let this happen.  What I did learn after he was diagnosed last year was he probably would have died within 3 years of the original cancer with or without treatment since it had spread.  The difference would have been the quality of his life during that time.  With us not knowing the cancer was spreading he was healthy and we lived our lives.  If we had known he would have had multiple surgeries to remove spot after spot after spot.  He would have endured rounds of chemo and radiation making him so sick.  I wish he could have been cured but I will live with his suffering being short rather than long.  It just friggin sucks that he got the stupid cancer in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna I'm sorry you had to go through this too. My husband had a PETscan and it came back with no signs of cancer. His main doctor called me when he found out he past away and said it sounded like he had gotten a bad infection in his chest and lungs. We were suppose to go back to the doctors the following week. Its just sad with all they have come up with cures for and shots to prevent illnesses cancer is not one of them!! I am so sorry for everyone on this site that cancer has affected but I'm so thankful I found it.

Debbie, how long was it from when you husband had his first round with cancer to when it showed up again?  My husband had the original spot completely removed in March 2008.

Anna, according to his doctors the PETscan showed no signs of cancer. That is what is making it harder for me to understand. When we were there the end of Dec they told us he would be dancing at our daughter's (my daughter from preivous marriage) wedding. That is June the 30th. I just don't understand!

Last night I woke up at 4am and the pain of losing her was so great.  I curled up in a ball with her picture and cried and yelled at GOD for an hour.  I pain just gets worse as time goes by

Kim, for the first two months I was pretty much like you are now.  Not sure what changed exactly, I started reading books on dealing with grief, continue to write a journal to my husband of what's going on in my life, how much I miss him, etc.  The first few weeks were angry entries, I was angry at God, angry at my husband for leaving me alone, angry at the world in general because life was going on and I didn't want to.   But this has helped me to the acceptance stage of grief, I am not sure which stage this is .. but apparently there are 7 stages of grief and I don't think we ever totally stop grieving, but somehow life has a way of moving us forward anyway.  Hugs to you .. sending prayers that you will feel the comfort of knowing that she is in a better place, free of pain and will be there when your time comes waiting for you.  (Sorry I am not good at expressing my thoughts into words .. but hopefully this makes sense.)

Mary it makes a lot of sense.  I too have been journeling.  I write pages and pages every day.  I am angry at her for leaving me too and so angry at GOD.  Actually I am questioning whether there really is a GOD.  In many places in the new testament Jesus says "ask and you shall recieve....."  I asked and asked Jesus to heal her.  I had great faith and hope but NOTHING.  I am losing  my faith.  I wanted to die too and be with her and at times still do but I made her a promise that I would watch over her son.   I walk through the day like a zombie just trying to keep my self busy.  We did everything together and I really don't have many people in my life to do things with and those that I do have their own life and things to do.  I am very lonely and empty inside.  I lost my other half.  I don't know who I am.   Thank you for your prayers and hugs.  

When I used to teach Sunday School, I remember a lesson about prayer.   Basics were that God does answer prayer but not always in the way we want.  Sometimes we do get what we pray for and sometimes God says No or Not at this time.  If we prayed and always got what we asked for we would have nothing to strive towards.  Think of it as if your child was asking you for something, if you always said yes, what would you be teaching your child?  Only God can see the future and knows what is coming ahead, so when he says No or Not at this Time, it's because of this knowledge that we cannot comprehend.  Don't give up on your faith or God, he is that intangible that can help you through this time and give comfort that you think right now will never come.   Think of your friend's son, in order for him to work through his loss and grief he needs to know and see you working through yours.  Always the spirit of your loved one will be with and around you, I truly believe this.  My sister-in-law calls these spirits angels and she tells me that they are all around us .. if we listen and are still we can hear and feel them.   Will continue to pray for you.

Good morning ladies, I was reading your comments and I can relate to what you are saying all too well. I have felt and continue to feel all of what you have expressed. I have just passed the 5 month mark of the loss of my husband and continue to feel the emptiness and loneliness that you mention. I agree that reading therapeutic books and journaling is VERY helpful. Each of these things has helped me tremendously. I also go on walks. It is on these walks that I talk to my husband, God and myself. Often times, I end up crying. I probably look like a fool walking down the street, but I don't care! It is also a time for me to think about what I want for my future and present myself with positive affirmations. 

I also understand the overwhelming loneliness. Sometimes it seems much easier to stay home where it is safe. Even when I am surrounded by friends, I feel out of place and awkward. But I know that I cannot allow myself to hide in my house for the rest of my life. I know that my life is changing and some of that includes changing the way I move in social circles, as much as that hurts. It doesn't mean leaving everyone behind, just adding to what I have. I think you must force yourself to interact.

As far as losing faith, it is easy to want to do that. Please understand, I am not an extremely religious person but I do have some fundamental beliefs. When we have tragedy in our lives, we want to blame someone or something. However, I do believe that God does not give us more than we can handle. I know it sounds strange and cliche' but I believe it. I, as well as my husband and family also prayed for cure, and finally for at least more time, but it was not to be. In the end, I did not wand him to go on living the way he was living. I believe that the answers we seek from God do not come to us immediately. We will not understand why the things that have happened in our lives or to our loved ones have happened right away. Answers will come to us in small life lessons. We may not even realize that they are there, we must be open to them and learn. Most importantly, we must teach these lessons to others. Although it is painful, there is reason for everything and there is great reward for us if we choose to accept the challenge.

Sitting here reading the new post and it makes my heart ache for each of us. I too feel like my pain is worse now at the three month point. I dread Weds so bad because thats the day he past. To make matters worse his birthday would have been June 13th of course thats Wed. I've been trying to think of things to do to help me that day but I have to make myself leave the house. Then when I do I end up just turning around and come back home. The loneliness is bad but I still find myself wanting to be alone. Do any of you feel guilty if by chance you find yourself happy if just for a minute? I know he wanted be to be happy. Before he had his surgery he wrote a journal to me. I was only to read it if he didn't make it through surgery. He did so we put it up until....... I read it over and over but its still so hard.

How do I go on when the love of my life is gone?

Debbie, I caught your comments about your husbands PETscan and how surprised you were that it never showed.  I can relate.  My mother became ill at the end of Jan 2011.  Initially we were told because her bloodsugar leval was so high she had mysteriously become diabetic.  I won't go into how inprobable it was but we went with what they said and started insulin shots.  She got worse.  At the end of Feb 2011 she was back in the hospital unable to keep anything down.  This time I had them run every test out there.  The first response back was, "NO CANCER" the conclusion was gastroparesis which occurs with some diabetics causing the nausea.  We went with that.  From Feb to July of 2011 I was taking my mother to see her Dr. every 2 weeks.  On July 15th at my request I asked for one last MRI because none of this strange vomitting was making sense given all the meds and the fact she just wasn't getting better.  Out of nowhere they found a blocked bile duct. She was rushed to another facility and we heard the words pancreatic cancer.  All those months. All the testing and it took that long.  She was rushed to San Francisco for what is called a Whipple.  A major redisection removing the cancer which was located on the head of the pancreas.  When they opened her up it has spread to the base of the Aortic Valve on a blood vessel.  There was nothing more they could do.  Chemo and Radiation could "maybe" shrink but not kill this type of cancer.  It would be considered palliative or prolonging the inevitable.  So I took her home.  On Dec 14th 2011 my precious sweet little mother died in my arms.  I am still stunned at what took place.  I'll always wonder if way back in Feb 11 had it been found if we could have gotten it all before it spread.  I despise the word cancer.  Specifically pancreatic cancer.  There is little to do in the way of fighting that type of cancer once it sreads.

Debbie I do know what you mean about feeling guilty for being happy.  Way back last fall I was laughing with my dogs when it hit me I was happy and I completely lost it.  How could I possibly be happy when my son and my husband were gone!?  I wrote about it here somewhere and it helped when others wrote back that they had that happen to them as well.  I really thought at that time I was losing my mind.  I have never been bipolar but it sure felt like that was where I was headed.  It still hurts sometimes when Im enjoying something and think about how much Tom or Karl would have loved to be there too.  Like today at my youngest grandsons soccer game.  I was cheering him on and clapping like crazy when he scored his second goal and then I was crying because his Papa would have loved to see that!  I have learned to accept that I bounce from happy to sad like that and dont worry to much about it any more. It is just another aspect of grief that I cant control but I have to deal with. 

I don't feel any happiness or joy.  Last week I did something with my brother and his family that her and I would be doing (on boat fishing).  The whole time I felt guilty that I was alive and she was dead in a casket.  I cried and cried when I got home.  Any time I do anything I feel this way.  Today it has been a month and now I know why today is so damn hard on me.  I can't stop thinking about her laying in the casket.  I feel at times I want to die too but I know I can't b/c I promised her I would watch over her son.  My life is NOTHINGNESS!!   All the joy and happiness and  love is GONE.  Emptiness.  Thanks to everyone for the support. 

I reaaly feel blessed to have found this site. Like I said in my other post my heart aches for each of you but I thought I was going crazy with my emotions so all over the place.  Mark, we did know my husband had cancer. He had finished his treatment and had went back for his PETscan. It is just so heartbreaking to know everything he went through and still lost his battle. I am so sorry for what your sweet mom went through. I prayer someday they will find a way to prevent this evil cancer!

To everyone who is feeling guilty for being happy or moving on,
I agree, it is very difficult. I think of my Denise, how can i be happy, when she is not here. how can i be happy when I miss her so much. I feel guilty when I smile or have a happy thought.

I know that Denise would not want this. She would want me to be happy, to smile and laugh and enjoy life. She would not want me sad, crying and feeling guilty. even though I know these things, I sill feel guilty and horrible that she is not here and I am.

michael I totally understand.  I know she would want me to be happy too but how can I be happy without her.  She was my world, my life, my soulmate.  It has only been a month but the pain just keeps getting worse.  She loved summer swimming in the ocean, on the waverunner,  in the kayak, on the paddle board, on the boat, fishing, crabbing,etc.  We loved doing all those things together.  We will never do those things together again and I don't want anyone to replace the things we did. 

Is it just me or do any of you feel more sad when nighttime comes? Its like I feel a wave of dread and more alone at night.

I feel the same way.  The loneliness is almost unbearable.  The sadness is overwhelming

I do feel sadness at night, however, I feel more sadness in the morning. I guess it is because when I wake up, I look at his side of the bed and it is still empty. The house is still quiet and it is a reminder of the permanence of his absence. This weighs heavier on me than the night time.

It hits me at 3:25pm. Thats when I got home and found him in bed. Then from that point on its gets worse. The first night my parents wanted me to stay at their house but I couldn't. I felt closer to him in our own bed. Its been 3 months now and I still sleep with his favorie shirt. I still don't know how to handle everything.

Driving home after work is the worst.  The only thing I can figure is that my mind that has been so filled with work is unwinding.  I've not experienced any problems with around the time my mom passed.  It was very early in the morning 1:45 am  What seems to be a problem for me is my eating habbits.  I'm fully aware of stress eating but I guess I have stress starvation.  I can't stand eating.  I hate the taste of it and have to force myself to eat.  I've lost a lot of weight unintentionally. My neighbor last night brought me over a piece of cake she'd gotten from a baby shower she had been to.  She told me she was worried because I was getting rail thin.  Is that a sign of depression that I'm not aware of?  And to the person who said this is almost unbearable.  For me this is unbearable.  I was so connected to my mom I feel like I'm now on another planet since she's gone.  I can't really even comprehend how this all happened.  There are days I wonder how much more of this I can take and never in my life have I once ever thought of ending my own life.  At this point I'd consider it an act of mercy because the horrific saddness and emptiness is gutwrenching but I keep telling myself to press fwd because they whoeve they are keep saying it gets easier.  It's almost been 6 months maybe its too soon.

Mark what I meant by "almost" is that if it was totally unbearable I would not be able to endure it therefore I would not want to live.  I totally understand your pain.  In the process of her dying and her death, I did not want to eat either.  People were trying to make me eat.  I lost about 15lbs in 3 weeks.  People always say in time it will get easier but when you are that connected I think that is a bunch of bull.  Maybe after a few years the pain isn't quite as intense but I don't think the pain ever goes away when you love someone that deeply.  I think you try to hide the pain and fill the emptiness but everyone is different.

Mark, I am not a Dr. but I have read about the different signs of depression after loss and the eating problem is one of them. If I were you maybe you might want to talk to a professional before you put your health at stake. I am sure your mother would never want anything to happen to you. Please try to get some help. I am really sorry you are going through this.

My life started its downward fall on Feb 14th. A dear friend of my husband and I (boss where we met) died from a massive heart attack. Then a week later the company closed its doors so I lost my job. Then three weeks later the worse day of my life I lost my husband!! My whole world has came crashing down around me!! My birthday was 8 days after my husband past. It is just a blur. His birthday is coming up Wed and it is so unbearable!! We had so many things we still wanted to do. Now I have to make myself leave the house!! Mark I do know I'm depressed. I've been on medicine for it but it doesn't seem to be helping. I go to bed crying and wake up crying. It has been 3 months now and I feel like since the shock has with away the pain is worse. I'm just so lost without him here!!

Thanks for the advice Jeanne.  I'm setting an appointment to see a Dr. Tomorrow. See if I can get a referral.  I worked so hard at surpressing any emotions while taking care of her and then immediatley right after her death jumped right into being organized and working.  I probably fall into that category of never grieving and it's causing some problems now.  I also get rashes on my arms and face but I just keep pushing every thing asside.  Watching her slowly die was horrific for me.  Not just dealing with Cancer but unwillingly handing over the fight for survival.  It just wasn't something we'd ever had to face.  Kim I did get what you meant.  I even said the morning mom died it was the first time in my life I had an idea what the word unbearable truly means.  I do cry from a place that is so deep I can't explain it but I avoid it because of that unbearable grief until I just can't fight it any longer. 

it will be three years in September since Denise left her body, and it has not gotten any easier. I am still in therapy and i cry a lot. Today My daughter's dog got out and is missing. I flipped out when i found out. I love that dog. he's my buddy. I started crying, i got angry, sad, wanted to look for the dog, but couldn't think straight. started missing Denise even more. I miss my Denise.