my mom didn't smoke a day in her life. Her colon cancer spread to every organ in her body. Metastasized in her lungs. it was horrible for her she was on oxygen so she could breathe but it was slowly killing her because she couldn't breathe deep enough to get it back out again. Cancer sucks. I truly hate it! I so do not want to go like she did. 

Hugs Ron, I'm so sorry :(

Sat thinking today. It dawned on me that after 15 years of pure love, joy, fun, adventure, and loving the most important man and best friend of my life isn't coming home is he. No matter how many times I walk in to the bedroom at night and beg him to come home with panic in my cry, he's just not coming home. Before my man died in April, we got married finally. February 5, 2011 to be exact. That day of our final committment to each other is fastly approaching and I am beside myself knowing that I was only his wife for 2 months. I know that the prior 15 years we were together were no different than being married with the exception that I took his name, I am just so sorry that we didn't do it sooner. I know I can't go back and we both agreed, and I must say that the tears in his eyes when I said "I do" was the most beautiful moment in my life next to giving birth do my daughter. I count myself as blessed at this moment for having had such unconditional love in my life. I miss his warm feet when I crawl in to bed, my only saving grace is my 2 dogs, the snoring of the beagle is soothing... crazy how things like that comfort the moment.

Tonight my daughter was asking my 13 month old grandson where is gramma, he pointed at me, then she continued by asking where everyone else in the house was, last but not least she said "where's pappa?"  He looked up, then looked around, then he pointed to the ceiling. My 31 year old nephew, my daughter and I all looked at each other and there was not a dry eye for a good 5 minutes. All I could do was say, thank God I was blessed with a grandchild.

Good night to you all, I hope my event of today has brought some comfort to you that choose to read this. God Bless.....

Dear everyone and Ron,

It is very hard to watch your wife struggle and pass away.  I still deal with it every day.

Love,

Mike

All i can say it will follow me the rest oh my life.One day when i was feeling really bad  Jean says to me You will be alright.You will find someone new to do things with. I said to her are you nuts? I then said if i were would you find someone else? She says well no. I said then why would you think i would? She says because i would want you to be happy.So i said you are my soul mate  forever, enough said. Jean said no more about it. She knew how much i loved her.

My wife was diagnosed in April 2008 with pancreatic cancer and given six months to live. It breaks you in every possible way as a man that you are hopeless and powerless against a treacherous criminal which is cancer. Margi was my life, my inspiration to allways do my best and be by her side. Two years later on April 19, 2010 she lost her battle and the criminal which is cancer got away with another life. To watch a strong woman like her face her fears and never once speak of death becuase she didn;t want to upset us really hit hard and fast. Holding her in my arms at night and telling her i loved her seemed so little but she never broached the subject. Some mornings waking up at 3 o'clock and then rushing her through to the hospital for treatment made me realise just how much i really cared and loved her and i would do this for the rest of my life if i can just have her back with me, it would be unfair of me because the pain she suffered was not something i would wish on anyone and it really took the spirit out of her. I wanted to and kept on believing that she was going to be with me for ever and even on the last night i was with her just hours before she passed i did not want to believe that this may be the last time i would see her! She had outlived the period the doctors initially gave her by 16 months and that's what made it difficult to accept that she was going, but just a week earlier a new doctor told me that the cancer had become very aggresive and that she has limited time left. Even now i still cant grasp it that she is gone, it is now nearly 2 years later and i miss her more than ever. Love is not just an emotion it is a spiritual chain that binds two kindred spirits forever.

agreed

Their is one thing that really bothers me. My wifes first husband died of a heart  attack at age 42. My question is.  Will my wife be there to meet  me when my time to leave here or will she be gone with her first love? Can someone give me some thoughts on this?

Ron,

I have the answer to your question. You will be reunited with anyone and everyone that YOU choose to be reunited with. You can have several loves in your life, but it is soley up to you. When leave this world and go to the next...God will not judge you..you will be asked to judge yourself. You will be the one who critiques the way you have lived your life and you will be the one who hands down any consequences to yourself. No one goes to the next world without some type of burden on their heart. You will have to reveiw your life and answer for some of the decisions you made and why you made them. The next world there are different levels. If you have made every effort in your present life to be the kindest, honest and most loving person...you will be given more wonderment than someone who has been rotten, mean and ugly. If your wife was married before, she can have any type of relationship with this man she chooses. And I bet it will be YOU! Please start reading and looking for answers to where we go when we depart this place. There are amazing answers that will give you hope. Our loved ones are still "alive" they are just somewhere else waiting for us to join them. We have to be the best people we can possibly be until the day comes for us to journey to the next place. Ask yourself...am I prepared to judge myself. And will I be proud of who I am? Sue

I'm really, really missing my husband. I've had dreams about him almost every night for the last two weeks. I've been going through some life changing issues, and I know that he is in my dreams to probably encourage and support me to get through it all, and it is wonderful to see him in my dreams, but when I wake up and know he is not in bed beside me, the painful reality is there. He's gone and not coming back. He's been gone for a little over two years now. He was 43 and too young. Cancer took him, and a big part of me died when he did. I want very much to continue his legacy of love and always helping others. I'm doing that now as I move forward into the next step to becoming a professional music therapist. I hate that he isn't here as I am taking these new, frightening yet exciting steps. The dreams are torture.

Betsy - My daughter just got her master's in Music Therapy!  And my husband would be sooo proud; but wherever he is, I know he IS proud of her.  And she also got married last summer without him; that was a very bittersweet day for all of us.  Don died on Nov. 12, 2010.  I miss him every day, and I always will.  He had rectal cancer that appeared to be "inactive"; not growing or spreading, and suddenly overnight it just went wham and invaded all of organs, bone marrow - most importantly his liver and lastly, his brain but only at the very end was he not always lucid.  The dreams can be torture.  I find when I've dreamt about him, at least for me, I usually wake up feeling like he was here with me.  It doesn't take away the pain of the loss, but somehow it comforts me.  I know he's been here when I've been wide awake; just some strange things going on that were unusual.  But one night the dog got very, very spooked, wouldn't leave my side and even had to go in the bathroom with me and hid behind the toilet; so I know he was here.  And I know he would want me to go on.  I am an MFT; I still haven't gone back to work, and I don't know if I want to.  But your message touched me and I had to reply.

Congratulation Cynthia on raising such a strong inspiring young lady as your Betsy sounds to be!  You have every right to be a proud Momma!  You speak of your husbands fight with cancer and it makes me think of my husbands journey and am actually glad he only knew about it for 2 months.  I dont know how I would have bared to see him suffer any longer than that cruel 2 months.  I have spoken to 2 other doctors about my husbands situation and they both agree, if we would have known he had melanoma spreading out from the original mole 3 years ago he would have undergone chemo, radiation and trial drugs.  He would have been sick.  His thinking and memory would have been off.  He wouldnt have been able to work at his job that he loved and that 1000s of people depended on him to keep them safe.  He wouldnt have been able to spend the kind of quality time he did with his grandkids just spur of the moment stuff and he most likely still would have died last year.  The type of melanoma he had was at the top of the list of most aggressive, hardest to cure: nodular melanoma.  So I am conflicted.  I wish like heck we could have known and had a chance to cure him, and I am grateful as can be that he didnt suffer any more than he did.  I pray every day that God gives our scientists the answer to this horrible plague called cancer so no other family has to endure what we have.  Hugs to all my new friends and I hope you have a  calm day.

Hi, Anna.  Just one correction: Betsy is not my daughter; Betsy is on this list!  My daughter who is a Music Therapist is named Sarah.  But as far as your husband's melanoma, I'm so sorry.  Yes, grateful he didn't suffer longer than he had to.  My husband had Crohn's Disease for over 30 years; he suffered more with that then he did from the cancer or the treatment.  I'd give anything to have him back, whole and not suffering, of course, and I am glad he is no longer having to deal with the pain he was so used to living with.  He was amazing; his doctor told him he one of the worse cases of Crohn's he had seen, but somehow Don just kept on going and going; kind of like the energizer bunny; he never quit work, he never made excuses; he just accepted that it was his to deal with.  He was amazing in so many ways, but mostly, the way he loved me and our daughters.  I can't remember him ever once raising his voice to our girls.  We always worked out our differences.  He was the most loving, giving man I've ever known.  Anyway thank you for your kind words.

Hi Cynthia and everyone else. I’m just amazed at how strong and giving you are. God blessed you with a wonderful husband and you really deserved him. I was sorry to hear about your dads passing. I remember just over six weeks ago, you were telling me that he was refusing to take his water pills. I lost my dad at 21; it felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath me. I was out of the country when he died and home never felt the same again. I also hurt so badly knowing my mom was left to deal with the challenges of life alone. How is your mom? I’m sorry that you are dealing with so much tragedy.

Mercy

Ron, I believe on the spiritual platform we are not limited the way we are on the material platform.  we are very limited while in this material body, but when we are spiritual, we are much more free and there are far less limits to what we feel and how we act.  so we may be able to travel and love and meet with many simultaneously, unlike what we do here.

Today was just a very bad day.  It didnt matter what I was doing, who I was talking to the tears just burst forth.  So many things just feel so wrong.  How can it be Valentines day when my love is gone.  My grandson who has this mass growing in his head has still not made it to the top of the waiting list for surgery.  My granddaughter is turning 21 tomorrow and without Tom here to drive us I cant get to where she is.  I could take the bus, but I have pets that arent allowed on the bus.  My daughter is having financial problems still from when she missed so much work last year staying with us to help take care of her dad, and without her dads paycheck I can no longer help out.  I know compared to others here my problems today are just a drop in the bucket.  I just miss my husband so much, I need him, our family needs him.  Cancer.  such a little word for such a world of hurt.

Anna - you are not alone and your "problems" are not a "drop in the bucket."  You matter and you are no less than any one of us who has been struck with the loss of someone one we love.  I am so sorry about your grandson.  I can only hold good thoughts for your family and hope he gets moved to the top of the list asap.  Is it possible for your family to try another surgeon, or another hospital?  Perhaps one that is a cancer treatment center?  I  realize not everyone has the ability to relocate or the resources to search out other doctors, and it sucks.  Sorry about the use of the word - I know some find it offensive, but it's such a good word for these situations.  If you can't be with your granddaughter, call her and how can she not understand?  I'm sure she won't hold it against you.  I just want you to know you are not alone, at least in spirit, and I will hold you and your family in my thoughts.  I would pray for you, but I'm not one who prays... 

Yesterday would have been Don and mine's 33 wedding anniversary.  Last night I went to a game night with a group of women I socialize with; I didn't want to be home alone.  He would have wanted me to be out having fun and laughing and not staying at home alone moping.  I didn't miss him any less.  He is still always with me in my heart, even tho there is still a huge hole where he should be.  Does make any sense at all?

Take care and hang in there.

Thanks Cynthia for your encouraging words and the prayers.  I did call my granddaughter last night and we talked while she partied with her friends and her mom.  It was bitter sweet.  The grandson who is ill is her brother.  Because he is young he needs a childrens hospital and a pediatric surgeon.  They are on waiting lists in 2 provinces but still waiting to hear anything.  At this point the doctors believe it is not cancer but will only know 100 percent when the can biopsy it. 

Yesterday must have been a hard one for you too.  Its good to know you have friends that helped make it bearable.  It seems not all of us here have that and it must make everything so much harder.  Im glad for me that I have good friends and family that I can count on too.  But there is nothing like just being able to come here, say what I want, cry if it happens while Im putting thoughts out there, and not one worry about how my tears might make those I love hurt more too.  I had to deal with some stuff today at the insurance and my youngest grandson and his mom were with me.  I broke down when they asked for the plates off my husbands truck.  My grandson saw that and then he had tears too.  So I had to suck it up really fast and hug him and try to explain it would ok. 

Anna- I am so sorry.  This is so hard; just this morning I got a call asking to speak with my husband - it was a solicitation for a donation, but having to say "he deceased" even after over a year is still hard.  It's hard taking care of the insurance and all the "business" when we lose someone.  And it's hard if you have to try to hold it together for a child; I am a therapist, and I've always told people it's okay for kids to see you cry; it makes it okay for them to cry.  We just say "Grandma's sad right now, and when I'm sad, I cry.  it's okay to cry."  He'll get the message; kids pick up on so much more than we give them credit for.  I know the health care system in Canada can be difficult; I don't know if it's any better here.  If you have money, you get treatment.  If you don't, you go on a waiting list... unless you're an illegal alien, then you seem to get all the benefits without any of the responsibilities... like taxes... oh well.  That's a whole different tirade!  

Hang in there.  I will still hold out hope for your grandson and your whole family.  

I got one of those phone calls again last weekend.  Actually one of the 11 year old grandsons answered the phone and with a very blank face handed me the phone.  I had to say those words, that was my husband and he passed away in July.  We all had a good cry after that one too.  I hate those stupid phone calls!

Im all for showing our children real emotions and leading by example. Im a preschool teacher.  lol, but if I hadnt gotten upset, he wouldnt have gotten sad, and I have guilt issues from old old baggage.  He was fine way before I will be fine with it.  Kids are so resiliant, I want to borrow some of it.  IF Tom had a favorite grandson this, the youngest one was it.  Tom was the emergency coordinator for our town.  One of his jobs was to watch the river for signs of flooding and all that goes with that.  The youngest was very interested in the river predictions and how the dam was used to balance the lake, ranch irrigation, and runoff.  Tom showed him how to check the height and flow online and nicknamed him Deputy Brody.    Off topic a little but it just popped in my head....  Toms last day out doing what he loved was in June, this kids mom picked Tom up and took him to check on the sandbagging operation.  He couldnt get out of the truck but he was there.  After they left the river, he asked her to drive up to the look-out above town.  She did.  They parked up there for a few minutes.  He looked out over it all and said to her, "It sure is pretty".  And with that I have to stop since the tears make it difficult ot see the screen.  

I know what you are talking about .I am a widower and i also get them.I wish they would just leave me alone.Their will never be another woman in my life. I will wait for my time here ends and maybe God will reunite me with my soul mate.

Thank God I haven't gotten any of those sites. I don't know. I am not quite a year in to this widow thing but why would I want to replace such an awesome man? I know it's not "replacing" but seriously. Jim was my second marriage. After 16 years together, I just do not see myself trying to do it again. He was so worth the heartache of trying again, and with much hesitation, I am so blessed to have let him take me in to his life. I will just live my life and love my grandson and daughter, and my 2 dogs. That is all that I think I need to carry me the rest of my life.

Barbara and All -

When I get those messages from single sites, I look at the bottom of the message for an "unsubscribe" link.  There usually is one. And I put the message in my "junk" folder so my email "learns" what is spam.  But I am in total agreement with you.  I can't see myself - ever - with anyone else but Don.  He was my soul mate.  Friday would have been our 33rd anniversary.  I pretty much started crying from the moment I work up; got through the day and had a social evening with girlfriends Friday night - it helped.  We played games and had a lot of laughter.  

I think the dating sites get our names when someone passes from the county registrars lists when they register a death.  How they get our email, I don't know. 

Hello everyone,

I so remember all of those phone calls after my husband Dale passed and having to tell them he was deceased. It's been a little over two years and we were married for 18, and to this day I am still getting mail once in a while addressed to him. I have only got a few of those "single" sites sent to me, but I am nowhere near interested in dating again, or marrying anyone else. My soul mate is gone and there will never be another, even though I'm still in my 40's, I just want Dale. I've had dreams about him almost every night now for the last few weeks, and I know he's trying to send me a message that he's here, because I'm going through more life transitions without him lately, and while it's good to see him in my drams and the dreams themselves have been good, it's absolute torture because I wake up and realize all over again that he's physically gone and he's not coming back. I am not looking forward to Valentine's day at all. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. We will get through this...one step at a time.

Betsy - I, too, have been having more dreams with Don in them lately. The are not "bad" dreams, nor are they specifically good.  But I agree with you; I think he is sending me a message.  As I said, our 33rd anniversary would have been last Friday, and Valentine's day will be hard, but I'm hosting a wine tasting Tuesday night so I will be occupied.  I'd rather be busy lately than just sit and miss him, although I miss him no matter what.  I can't see myself with anyone else, ever, either; but I do miss being held and having a warm body next to me in bed.  But the only one I want can't be here, so, well, what else can I say?  It's still hard, but not as hard as it was. 

When Denise and I were in India in 2009, Denise gave a necklace she purchased in Hrsikesh. I cherished that necklace. It broke a couple times and i always fixed it. About a month and a half ago it broke and I lost it for good. I cried and cried and told her how sorry I was. Two weeks ago, after feeling Denise's presence around me for a bout a week, I pulled into a parking lot near my house on the ground right next to my parked car, was the necklace I lost. Unbelievable, but I know that Denise protected it and guided it back to me. Now it is hanging around my rear view mirror. Thank you Baby

Amazing but true

I hate Cancer.   My husband died 7 months ago from lung cancer.  We had an amazing relationship, we met later in life, and 2nd marriages for both of us.  Still, 11 years together, and they were GOOD.  It all leaves me wanting that again, the companionship and love.  I'm not saying that I'm ready right now, but i sure hope to find love again. I'm 52 and really can't imagine not shareing my life with a wonderful man as we go into life.  I tell people this, I blame it on my husband, he was really good for me all the way around, and i for him.  Why wouldn't I want that again, I do.  When, I have no idea. He surprised me, it just worked and we so much better together than alone.  Yeah, i want that again.  Not with him, he's on to other things, but with another. Who?  i have no idea, but i sure hope I recognise him when he comes my way.  I have alot to offer, and I deserve to be loved and happy, and not alone.  I'm ok being alone right now, well yeah, I'm not ALONE, I'm surrounded by good friends and family, its so great.  But still, that next level of intimacy that we share with a partner..I know that i want that again.  And i consider that to be a tribute to my husband who loved me so well, and enriched my life so much...I deffinately want that again, how could i not. I'm 52...to me that's not old, but it's old enough to know who I am...and THAT is good.  I miss Todd everyday, and always will.  That only leaves me wanting to find YOU...all the more, YOU, the next enduring love in my life.  Lori

Lori I agree with you completely. I turned 61 on Friday and I am hoping to live for a very long time. I am happy on my own with family and friends but would someday like to have the companionship of a wonderful man. I also was in a second mariage and was with my husband for 31 years. He was the most wonderful man on earth as far as I am concerned and I know that he is in a great place and would not want me to live out the rest of my life alone just because I loved him as I did. It is the reason I would want to meet someone and it would not be to take his place, no one ever could. It would just be to enjoy the things that we are missing and to make someone else happy as well. We only go around once in this life and if you can find a little more happiness before you go, I am for it. Not looking, but not looking away either.

The two of you really don;t seem to be grieving at all. You both should go onto one of those daing sites.

I grieve everyday of my life. I have already had a good cry today. I talk to my husband daily and am so sad that that he only got one day of retirement until his death sentence. My life has been turned upside down as all of ours have. Grief is a personal thing and I choose to live and grieve, not just grieve. If I could someday find someone half the man my husband was, it would be nice to be able to have a companion like that. Lets face it, our loved ones are not coming back. Would they really want us to stop our lives do to our already devestating loss. Please don't tell me to go to a dating site or anywhere else. I have chosen to stay with the living and remember the ones that have past and smile when I remember the wonderful times we had together and look forward to when we meet again. My husband and I discussed all of this years before he was sick and we both agreed if this ever happened that we would want each other to go on. We were very upfront in our relationship and when Harry was ill he stayed with that conversation from long ago. He told me that he was glad that he was going first because he could not bear for me to go before him and have to live without me. I told him thanks a lot now I can go through it without you. He told me that I would go on and one day we would meet again. I know he is right here guiding me in what I do. I have not done too bad so far in following our dreams alone, but it is not very fulfilling to do it alone. 

So that is how I grieve and I think you should respect the fact that people are different. When I hear  people on here talk about killing themselves because they cannot go on I cannot believe it and I am so sad for them. As painful as this all is I cannot imagine having those type of thoughts and I thank God for that. So everyone has to find there own way in their own time. I am not ready for a relationship right now. I don't know when I will be, but if it happens I will treasure it and hope it is the last one I ever have. No one should go through this more than once.

I would never tell anyone how to grieve.  I still cry to this day.  my life will never be the same, no matter how well i may appear to others.

I can understand wanting to have what you had with your spouse again.  I miss that intimacy and being held and holding and touching and kissing and most of all the emotional intimacy of being with someone who knew me better than anyone else; someone who loved me no matter what.  Some of us will find it again, some of us won't; some of us will actively look for it; some of us won't and it'll maybe just find us.... personally, I simply cannot imagine myself being with anyone else in that way.  I'm not ready to think about being with anyone else.  But for those of us who are, that's okay.  As Jeanne said, we all grieve in our way and at our own pace.  Grief just does what it needs to do.  I find it interesting that Michael made the comment he did about it sounding like some people are no longer grieving and should find a dating sight; Statistically, men who were in a good marriage are much more likely to remarry after being widowed than are women who were in a good marriage; women tend to stay single by choice after losing their husband.  It's just statistics; what matters is the individual and how he or she decides on his or her own life.  

I like to think there is no judgment here, only love and support to help heal this terrible pain we all deal with.  

The problem with writing our thoughts is that we tend to possibly read more in to them that there is. I hope that Ron's comment was intended as a positive not a negative. I read it 3 or 4 times and then re-thought it out.

I too miss the touch and the kisses and the simple words that my hunny had for me, and I am not quite in to a full year of him being gone. I go through the fear of being alone the rest of my life intamently, then I flop back to what for? I am so exhausted from my 2 months of watching my hunny die that I don't see the point of going through it again, or the possiblity of putting a partner through that if I go first. It is just devistating. So for now, I will enjoy my daughter and 1 year old grandson and my 2 dogs and just try to find strength that this will be enough to hold my passion that was lost. I am still so raw. When I divorced at the age of 34 I did not think I would ever be loved and I was so wrong, and I do not regret my falling in love again, I am thankful. Thankful that I found a man who was faithful and carried the same morals and values as I did, but to do it again...today I say no. This day of Valentine has taken its toll on me as well and I am hurting as though I lost him today. It's rough..and I try to remember that this too shall pass, and try to remember that my grief is not over and it is okay. Bless you all for who you are and warm hugs to all.

Ron, Im sure you didnt mean anything by what you said.  We are grieving and at times say and do things that are not always nice.  I think we all have been told things like: You have to get over it.  Or, You had 30 years, you should feel lucky.  etc.  No one should ever assume to tell another person how they should be grieving.  We each have our own circumstances, and we all have to find our own way to live each day.  And the goal has to be to Live Each Day! even when we dont want to.  I dont want to be in a relationship again, but I know I might not feel that way on another day.  It would be a shame to shut ourselves off from life and love and if we do what really is the point in going on? 

I agree, it's not anothers place to judge our grieving process.  I will say, loosing a spouse to cancer, you're never "ready" to say good bye, but at least we had the chance to say it, both of us, in our own ways.  I Hated to watch the cancer take my husband a little more each day, but it the end it was just a week that he wasn't "himself".  Until them we could talk and smile and sleep in the same bed each night...the last week was hard, but in a way it was easier then the 18 months leading up to it.  "barring a miracle" the doctors said he would die from the cancer.  This was on that day we stoped treatment and we went on to have 6 weeks of the most precious time I have spent on earth.  I know there has to be a differance between a sudden unexpected phone call and having the knowledge that your time together is, in fact, short.  We used that time on each other and our family, we invited our families amd closest friends to join and participate in those last weeks, we got affairs in order and grieved together.  My husband and I grieved together, before he died, and we loved each other that much more.  I tell peole that those weeks were both the hardest and sweetest weeks of my life.  Grief is such a personal journey, we all travel it differantly, some people can't bare to be alone while others remarry very soon...there is NO right and wrong, it's a personal journey.  I loved my husband with all of my heart, i miss him everyday, every minute I miss him, but I am looking to the future, and taing all the godness and love we had into life.  I can't imagine being "alone" as life goes on. He was an amazing man and an amazing husband, I want that again...HE and the wonderful way he loved me leaves me wanting that again.  When? I have NO idea, but I think that being open to it is a good thing.  Todd will always be a huge piece of who I am, anyone who shares my life in the future will understand and respect that, and of course he'l have to love me...and I him.   I'm not ready right this minute, but i sure plan to stay open to the possibilities.   It's hard to think that others may be watching in order to judge.  I could not have loved my husband more..i loved him with all that I am, and the love we had leaves me hopeful for the future.  Be kind to people who are grieving.  It's an intensely personal journey, and it has NO rules.

DITTO

Laura - I wouldn't call it a can of worms; just another topic for discussion and apparently one that many people feel strongly about.  It's all just grist for the mill, isn't is?  

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer on Nov.18 2011. I feel like someone came and took out my heart and cut it up and OK now you can continue your life, but how can you continue your life without a heart? I still cry every day I will not let anyone go in his room and touch a thing. I have a four year old and she thinks that her papa (my dad) is still at the hospital. my family tells me I need to get over it but I just can't

Denise prayed for me too.  

Rita -

I'm sorry about your dad.  My husband died Nov. 12, 2010; almost a year before your dad.  My dad died last month, but not from cancer.  Yes, people will tell you to get over it - but it's so soon since you lost your dad!  It takes time as you know.  Your 4 year old is really too young to understand the permanence of death; let her believe whatever works for both of you for now.  I have a 4 year old grandson who was not quite 3 when my husband died.  He know's Grandpa isn't with us anymore, and honestly I don't know if he remembers him by anymore than seeing his picture on the walls a lot, but my daughter did tell him that Grandpa can't be with us anymore.  But whatever you do please don't tell her he went to sleep, or he's sleeping - that could lead to her having sleep problems later.... in any case, I'm so sorry.  On of my sisters in law (I have 3) recently told me that I'm not grieving "right;" that I need to get angry and take my husband off of the pedestal I put him on.  Well, to  make it shorter, I'm not talking to her now. She has no idea what it is like to lose a spouse, she has no idea what my process of grieving has been, and my husband deserved to be on a pedestal - I only wish I'd done that more when he was alive.  But he knew how much I loved him, and that is enough for me.  

So you just take your time, cry as much as you need to, scream, yell - whatever helps, and if other people have a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours.  

Rita, I feel the same way. The grieving started for me while mom was still on earth. I don't feel like I have a soul anymore, just a body walking through this earth. Many people seem to have moved on but I just cannot move on and leave mom behind. My daughter is the only light in my life; sometimes when I feel like I cannot go on; she'll say something out of the blue that just stops me in my tracks. She's 28 months old but she was able to articulate my grief at a much younger age. I've been grieving since June 2010 when my favorite brother died suddenly at age 43. My daughter is always telling me momma, you're my best friend. When I hear her say that, I feel that I have to go on, I don't want to take away her "best friend" We are in this together Rita, many people say its gets a little easier to live with the pain as time goes by. 

I lost my dad to cancer on Nov. 10, 2011. My father was 88. My father was so healthy all his life, he retired with 11 mos. sick leave saved up. In 2009, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, chemo, radiation (no side effects except for fatigue and a tinny bit of haor loss) the cancer went into remission. Then he was diagnosed early last year with a tumor in the tube connecting the bladder/kidney, to keep the tumor from spreaing, they removed a kidney. Within 4 weeks he was out and driving, going places. At this time he was also diagnosed with prostate cancer and multiple myeloma. The latter was depleting his energy, and he needed blood transfusions every 6-8 weeks. The week before he dies, he was still active, but went into the hopsital with pneumonia, his kidney was shutting down, bleeding internally from the recurrence of esophageal cancer, he desiced no more treatment, he was ready to leave us. He visited his wife, my mom, who is in a nursing home with alzheimers, he told her goodbye before he went to hospice, she was totally unaware. He passed away 3 days later, that was Nov. 10. I have pretty much been in bed ever since. Not working, Ive gained 20 lbs, went from sleeping 12+ hours off and on day and night, to now restless sleep, no more than 4 or 5 hours. Please help me.

Dear Terry - 

I understand how hard this is.  I lost my husband - my reason for living - Nov. 12, 2010.  I lost his dad two weeks later, and lost my own dad last month.  There were days after my husband died I would just have major meltdowns and stay home and cry all day, wondering if I had the strength to end my own life, but I have two daughters and I couldn't do that to them; they are grown up, but they have lost one parent, and I won't be the cause of them losing another.  But there have been those days when all I wanted to do was die, and the pain I felt was so unbearable; that deep hurt inside that nothing could touch; I just had to get through it.  We don't get over this kind of loss; we get through it.  And yes, its hard and it hurts and all I can do is say, cry.  Cry whenever it hits you that you need to.  Get angry; yell, scream, hit something, but don't stuff the feelings down; if you do, you'll never get to where you need to get to.  What would your dad want you to do?  One day I was looking at my husbands picture and realized he would have told me "I'm gone, and I can't come back.  You can't change that, and you should be wasting any energy stressing over it.  Don't stress about something you have no control over."  And I swear, I felt something heavy lift.  That was my process; we all have our own.  If you are finding you can't sleep, but you can't get out of bed, I would say, find a really good therapist who can listen, guide you, validate you and pretty much just be there for you at this stage.  You don't need anyone telling you that you "should" or you "must" or you "will feel....".  People who haven't lost someone they love like those of us here don't know.  One of my sisters in law recently told me "you're not going to get past Don's death until you get angry and take him off the pedestal you've put him on...."  How dare she!  She has no idea of my loss, of my process or what it is like to lose your partner in life.  I do know what it is like to lose your dad; and I'm so very sorry he had to suffer.  My mom also has Alzheimer's, but it's very early and she's still living in their home.  But that's another story.  I would urge you, as hard as it is, to will yourself to get out of bed one day, for as long as it takes to make an appointment with a therapist.  Then go back to bed if you want and stay there until your appointment!  But don't miss that appointment.  The first one is the hardest.  I don't know where you live, but most communities have low-fee therapy available if you can't afford to pay, or if you don't have insurance.  Or find a support group.  There are Wellness Communities all over the place that have support groups for people who lost someone to cancer. 

Hang in there; know you are not alone.  

This is my first post on the site.  Hello everyone.   This is a pretty crappy way to meet people!

I lost my partner to colon cancer on December 9, 2011.   We had 21 years together.   Some really good times and some really bad times, but we loved each other immensely.

I have good days where I can fully function.  Then, there are the weekends where I find myself alone with our three dogs and I become almost inconsolable.  

I realize "it" will never get better but "it" will get to be different.  His family and my family have, for the most part, been so incredibly supportive.

I'm becoming something of a liar when people ask me the dreaded "how are you doing"?    I just say I have good days and bad days.   Today is ok.    If I told them the depth of my sadness every time someone asked me that, I know they'd stop asking.

There are good friends with whom I can be honest.  They have come to visit me and check up on me tirelessly.   For them, I am very grateful.

The grieving process started while he was still alive.   Every week there was yet another thing he could no longer do.   We loved to go out for breakfast on the weekends, but he got to where he couldn't eat much of anything that he liked.  We would go shopping to Costco or wherever, but it got to the point where he either had to sit in the car because he didn't feel well, or we had to pick a store that had motorized scooters on which he could ride.  Little by little by little, our life together started to change and die.  

The anger that I feel toward cancer and the hand that I've been dealt is sometimes overwhelming.   It's anger mixed with grief - not a good combination for anyone's day.  

My only comfort is that he's no longer in pain.   He doesn't have to endure any more chemo.   He doesn't have to take any more pills or have any more transfusions.  

Thanks for setting up this group.   I'm glad I found you.

Dear Philip -

I agree; this is a crappy way to meet people.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband had rectal cancer, and Crohn's disease.  I think after all the years of Crohn's, (Inflammatory bowel disease), his body was so worn out even with the radiation and chemo, he couldn't fight anymore.  He, too, got weaker and weaker, and his organs just gave up.  

Even tho it's been over a year now since I lost him, people still ask me how I'm doing, and I'm honest - I always have been.  I say okay, if I'm okay, or it's really hard, or sometimes I just say "it sucks."  Sometimes I just say, "how much time do you have?"  The worst thing is when I still get phone calls with solicitors asking for him by name.  I just say "he's deceased."  That usually takes care of them; but I still get those calls.  Again, I'm so sorry.  You can visit here and say anything you want to or need to, any time, and what I love is that there is no judgment.  And you are not alone.