ur not crazy laura

im missing my mom....its so hard still....still so unfair her tragic death....the hoidays are hard, but i have a wonderful man to share it with now and she would be so happy....i know she is watching over me....i wish that cancer could be eliminated from the planet for good...much love to u all this holiday....let us keep banding together.....

This is my second Thanksgiving without Don.  He died Nov. 12 last year.  No one has invited me to share the holiday with them.  My daughter who lives nearby is going out of town with her family; my parents are too old to do the holiday now - it's too exhausting for them - my brothers all live out of town and for some reason, my friends must just assume I either have plans or want to be left alone.   I didn't think it would bother me, but I do think it would have been nice if someone had just remembered that I'm here alone, and wouldn't mind some companionship just now. On the other hand, I'm not sure how good company I would be, as lately I've been feeling the loss even more.  My mom has not been well cognitively, and I feel like I'm losing her while she's still alive, which makes it even harder.  I don't really even know what to say.  I just feel very alone, and lonely, and it's getting old, and fast.  It's been a hard month.  Too many anniversaries in October, and then Don dying in November... and then trying to take care of my mom and dad (86 and 96) - somedays it's just more than I can bear.  anyway, thanks for listening.

Cynthia I have talked here before about my volunteer search.  I felt the need to find a reason to get out of bed and house and figured volunteering would be a good way to start.  So I looked into what was needed in my town and ended up working in the Christmas hamper program of the food bank.  I have kids and grandkids who are around on the weekends so I needed something during the week.  I wonder if you would find some peace, and comfort in volunteering at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and helping others who have less than we do enjoy a good meal.  It is just a thought.  We each have to find our own way but it sure would be nice if we all had a better family/friend support system.  you are in my thoughts as I pray you find a way to make this holiday one to be truly thankful for.  Hugs from Canada

Dear Laura and Anna -

I try not to blame my friends for not inviting me to join them; for many of them, they go out of town to be with family, and for many, their children are now grown and starting their own families, and starting their own holiday traditions and I can understand a friend not wanting to invite me to someone else's home.  I did get an invitation today however.  I just met this woman about a week ago - she found a lost dog and is looking for a home for it as her husband doesn't want a second dog.  The dog had no tags or microchip, and he's very sweet and needs to be neutered; she said his teeth are clean, and his nails are clipped, so it would appear someone was taking care of him, but she couldn't find anything in the way of a missing dog flier or message.  She and her daughters are in love with this dog, and he loves them already, but her husband is adamant.  I'd take him in a heartbeat, so we'll see.  But she invited me to her brother's house - she had to talk me into it a little; she said there will be a lot of people there; family and friends and one more would be nice.  So I guess that's what I'll do!  I did think about volunteering at a soup kitchen, but to be honest there isn't much of that around here.  I am going to be volunteering at our local hospital after I attend the orientation.  Right now I'm just busy with life - teaching, my parents, and my grandsons.  But that doesn't seem to ward off missing Don.  He was my rock, and with all I've been dealing with  around my mom and dad getting older and needing more and more help, it's been very stressful.  So I'm going to NYC to visit my daughter and son in law in December and I'm going to spend a month in Flagstaff after the 1st of the year.  Thank for your support.

I look at pictures of my mom alot..But they are all before she got so sick. I was at my brothers yesterday and he had taken a pic a few short weeks before our mom passed. Of my mom and I together..Seeing that pic of us together really hit me hard..I don't have many pics of us together since I'm older..I hate pics..But seeing the picture of her so sick looking... really hit me she's gone!

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone.

this is my second Thanksgiving without Denise.  We only had one together, but we didn't spend the day together.  She went to her friend's house.  Me being a Vegetarian, i didn't spend the day eating turkey, instead I went to the temple and she went to her friend's .  that evening we got together and ate leftovers and had a good time together.  I really miss Denise.  She loved Christmas and we spent just one Christmas together.  It was a beautiful Christmas and I miss her so much.  We picked out a little tree, we went to the snow, we did shopping, we visited family, opened presents.  It was a wonderful time.  I miss you baby, I miss you so much.

Hold onto those memories, even if they make you shed tears. Without memories what do we have?

This was my third Thanksgiving without my husband, Dale. His 46th birthday would have been Nov. 28, and even after two years since his passing, it was a harder day than I thought it would be. I'm very thankful for family and friends who have been so supportive and who encourage me to live each day to the fullest as much as I can. My husband was very positive and outgoing, and so generous and I want to continue his legacy.

Laura, your Jon sounds like my Dale. He definitely gave his heart very freely and did anything he could do to help people always. We did a lot of that together, served God and served others. I've been dreaming about him a lot. I know I will see him again, and I know he's still here, watching over me. I'm a songwriter, piano player and studying to be a music therapist, and almost through the program. He was so encouraging and supportive of my music and was always happy about how it touched others, too. He made me sing at his funeral. You're in my thoughts and prayers as you approach that first year anniversary.

Hello, friends.  I have been "off-line" for a few weeks on this board.  I hope those of you who did have a Thanksgiving managed to do okay with it.  This was my second one without Don; I was going to go with someone I had just met to her brother's house, but my neighbors ended up inviting me and I know their whole family, so all I had to do was walk across the street.  I was pleasant, and I was glad I wasn't alone.  Last year on Thanksgiving day, two weeks after Don died, his father died.  His dad was the sweetest man; I found out early in our marriage where Don got his kindness and thoughtfulness... both of his parents were wonderful to me, and wonderful grandparents.  Anyway, we expected his dad to pass as he was 96 and in poor health; I really believe for some reason he was holding on for Don, and when Don died, he was able to let himself go.  My brother-in-law had to come back to California from Maryland to bury his dad, just two weeks after losing his brother.  That was hard.

Anyway... I was sitting here on Saturday, and looking up at the picture I have of Don over the mantlepiece.  He was so handsome, and such a beautiful person.  And it occurred to me, if he could talk to me, he would say something like "It is what it is, and it won't do you any good to be unhappy or depressed or worried about something you can't do anything about."  I hope that doesn't sound cold; he was not a cold man, but he was very pragmatic.  I always called him my voice of reason.  I've been fighting a terrible depression lately.  I'm on meds, but really don't think that has anything to do with how I'm feeling.  In other words, different meds or more meds wouldn't change anything.  But somehow when I "heard" these words in my head, I felt better.  Yes, I still miss him more than anything; yes, I want him back; yes, it's lonely without him; yes, I still cry.  But just holding on to his philosophical view on the more negative times in life somehow helped me.  I'm not telling anyone else they should "embrace" this or anything; I'm just sharing my experience.  He will always be my one true love; my soulmate.  As lonely as I get, I can't see myself ever sharing my life with anyone else (unless it's a dog maybe...can I smile here?)  

The holidays are still coming, and are going to be hard for all of us who have lost someone.  Last year we didn't do Christmas; except for the gifts for my grandsons, I don't expect to do it this year, either.  I will, however light the Hanukah candles, not just because I'm Jewish, but because that was something Don always enjoyed (he was raised Catholic...isn't it funny how these things seem to work?  He wanted the candles; I wanted the tree!); so each of the 8 candles I light during this  particular holiday will be to honor his memory, and the place I will always have for him in my heart.

Thanks for "listening."  

You know Cynthia, your Don would have gotten along great with my Harry. I know for sure he is saying those same things Don is. I know he is right. Through our marriage he would say if my time is up it is up and I have lived a good live. He was saying that when he was 40. It was just the way he was. I am coming up on one year of losing him on December 22nd. I can remember every day that happened last year this month and it is not always pleasant, but it was what it was. Dec. 7th he went on Hospice and Dec. 13th we went to the Apollo and saw Paul McCartney live and it was great. It was also the last night he lefft home and 9 days later he was gone and oh so peacefully he went. I thank God everyday for that. I am in the middle of a buy sell nightmare with my home and I am scehduled to close on the 15th of Dec. One week before the anniversary. We were here for 25 years and it would have been hard for both of us to leave, but to do it alone is rough. If it would only work itself out instead of coming right down to the closing, but nothing is ever easy. I  feel he would want me to do this move as it was our plan and I have to move forward and start a new plan on my own. I have been doing a lot of crying lately and I know it is a lot of things happening at once. I feel better after a good cry, so it isn't so bad.

I am on my way to Philly right now with my friend for her final treatment in a study for her ovarian cancer. She will get news before we leave and oh I pray it is good. She looks good and feels good, so maybe just maybe we will have a miracle for her. If it works, it can work for so many others.

I will let you know how that comes out and maybe take my mind of other things for a while.

Hang in there everyone, better days are coming, they have to!!!!

Cynthia,

I'm trying think the same way. I know my mom would not want me to be sad. But it's so hard I miss her so much. But I really try to not let it show especially in front of my children. I do except that she's gone..I know I will see her again. But it doesn't stop me from missing her more then my words can even express. But I still need to keep moving for my family. She always told me kids first...I have always done that :) Her words echo in my head..Sometimes it brings a smile to my face or tears to my eyes..But I cherish each and every memory and words of encouragement my mom saw me as something I never had..She opened her eyes one morning when she was so sick and told me..You are amazing that has stuck with me..I told her thanx mom but I think you are amazing. She was so strong..I really miss her.

Take care,

Melissa

Dear Jeanne and Melissa -

Thank you both for your responses.

Jeanne, I had my house on the market for about 4 months, and a lot  of lookers but no offers.  The market stinks; especially in California. i"m glad you were able to sell.  I hope your friend gets good news, too.

Melissa, it's okay for your children to see that you are sad and miss your mom; it will give them "permission" to express their own loss.  If it's okay for mommy, it's okay for me.  If they don't understand (I don't know how old they are), just say "mommy really misses grandma right now and I'm sad.  It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry."  They'll do fine.  Good luck.

Cynthia,

I do tell them if they ask me whats wrong I just don't want them to remember their childhood of mommy moping around all day. my children are 7, 5 today, and 1 almost 2 on the 11th. Where in California are you from?

Just joined this support group today.  I'm not really sure how to use the groups/boards, etc. yet, but will start.  I lost my oldest daughter, Jennifer 36 yrs old, to pancreatic cancer 12/12/10. So we are almost to 1 year.   Knew that the holidays would be hard...  Still have too many vivid memories of her suffering for 2 years and that is one of the hardest things I think.  I have been through the grief process with an infant son who died due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) 21 years ago.  Never thought I'd have to go through another child's death.

Dear Becca, welcome. I have just joined not to long ago after losing my husband in April. I have just begun the process. I understand that things don't get better fast. I have had my hands full with my daughter and grandson, and their drama. I am fastly approaching my grandson's first birthday, and with that, I have total recall coming in fast of the last car ride my husband and I took before all hell broke loose. While the event of our grandson was a blessing, little did we know he would be without his grandpa before he was 1. I fear that I am beginning the anger stage and all I want to do is hide out. I've always been a strong woman, fell apart for a short time, and now I find myself longing to tell everyone how much I miss him, but struggle with the words because I don't want to burden anyone. Just know that there are those of us trailing on your heels and bles you for your loss.

Barb

Welcome Becca

Cynthia, I always miss you when you don’t post. Its so nice to read from you again. I totally understand the depression you are dealing with. I’m in that place myself and the meds are not helping me either. I think this weather has something to do with our moods? I know I’m sad about having to spend the holidays without mom but this kind of deep darkness is nothing like I’ve experienced in a while. The words you say Don would have used are not cold, it sounds like something mom would say to me too. Mom was a very matter of fact person and hated to see anyone having a pity party. I know she meant well and her words always resonate with me to this day. I also remember some words you wrote to me when I was in a very bad place and these keep me going. Thanks for sharing your insight and always know that I care about you and think about you a lot.
God Bless.

The holidays make me sad without Denise

Just reading these posts make me feel welcome to the first group of people who truly know how I am feeling.  I lost my husband in August.  I have four children still at home.  I am so lonely.  I have friends who listen and try to comfort me but I still feel "Outside".  Yesterday was my birthday and I did not think that it would be a big deal...Sunday evening all hell broke loose with my emotions.  It was the first time that my kids were around for the storm.  We made it through! 
    I am so thankful for a place to write!

Dear Michele,

please accept my condolences.  I know how you feel.

Love, 

Mike

Mike and Michele,

Please accept my condolences. I lost my 43 year old husband 2 years ago. Mike, the holidays make me sad without Dale (my husband). Michele, I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel "outside." Happy belated birthday, although I do know how hard it is without your husband. I've had two birthdays without him and this will be my third Christmas. I still break loose with emotions, and completely understand.

                     Love and condolences to both of you,

                                   Betsy

Michelle, I know just how you feel.  This fall has been one first after another for me starting in Sept with Jon's birthday, then our annivrsary, within three days of each other.  Then came mt birthday, Thanksgiving, then on Dec 3rd the first anniversary of Jon's death.  On Dec 4th I fell and broke my hand and had to have surgery.  Jon was not with me, in fact other than the friend who dropped me off and picked me up I was all alone at the hospital.  The nurses thought I was crying because of the pain, or fright.  hHowever I was crying because I needed Jon to be with me.  Some days I feel like I can't make it without him, then he shows up in my dreams to encourage me to go on.  I know you, and all of us will make it.  Just keep writing and this group will see you through. 

Welcome Michele! Laura, I'm so very sorry you hurt yourself. I fear getting sick or needing surgery my mom was always there for me during these times. In fact I twisted my ankle a few days ago and have been thinking mom would be here to help me..Makes me sad. I hope your wrist heals quickly

Melissa

This is the time of year my brother got sick, 2yrs ago. I feel like i've come so far in my grief and than..........it all comes flooding back. Its hard to read some of these posts because the pain is so real and so raw.I feel and pray for you all. This just sucks.

Dear Barbra, My husband got sick 1 year ago this week. This week also marked the birth of our very first grandchild. We thought Jim had the flu so we isolated him for almost 2 weeks because of the fever he had, little did we know at this time he only had 4 months left of life....Christmas was totally ruined last year as well by some "outsiders" that chose to come bearing name calling etc. Little did I know at this time it would be our last Christmas together as a family as well. I will never get this time of year back that we celebrated for so many years. December is also the month that he proposed to me. I know I will get through it, if for nothing else but my grandson and daughter. I have to. It is hard. I dread my next 2 weeks off because I don't know if I will cry, and if I don't will I feel guilty? So many mixed emotions for this year. It just sucks as you stated, and I agree. Huggs and prayers for you and all of us related to this blog, and know that we all share this grief makes it so that we are not alone.

Laura,

I completely understand that feeling of watching everyone else be happy with their "someone" when mine was taken away and I also ask, why us, why Dale? For me it's been two years and today I took a huge step and life has changed forever yet again, just like waking up the morning after he died knowing that same feeling...life had changed forever. I need him here. I needed him today. I am stepping out of the music therapy student role as of tomorrow and today began my new life as a future music therapist intern...this was something he wanted so badly for me. I've spent my life as a full time caregiver, or full time college student, full time wife and patient advocate/caregiver to him...and January 2012 I am one step closer to becoming a full time board certified professional music therapist. July or August will hopefully see me Board Certified and looking at a full time job as a music therapist. A dream come true...yet I'm so scared, too...I so wish he were here to tell me it will be okay. On Monday night I'm singing a song I wrote at our church called "Merry Christmas from Heaven" for what we call a "Blue Christmas" service for those who lost loved ones. It's part of what I do to help others, too, but it will be hard. I've never sung this song in public before and now that's happening, too...all without him. I miss my husband!

Betsy, I would love to see the song you wrote :)

Laura,

  I can try to do that. I've got a CD of the song (I have many CDs of my music, actually). II've never posted anything to youtube, but I'll see what I can do. Hopefully can accomplish that. If not, what I can do is send you CDs of my music and that song, plus many others I wrote about losing a loved one will be on them.

Thanks Barbara- It is such a tough time of year. I would give anything to get that phone call from my brother. He never missed a holiday or a moment to let us know that he loved us. Honestly I could not imagine if it was my husband that I was writing about. The one thing I did learn is that I make no apologies for who I am and what I'm feeling. If you have to cry than thats what you have to do and no one is going to take that from me. So no guilt, even if it means you can laugh at something your grandchildren did. Laugh with all you got. Thats the biggest gift you can give Jim.

Laura. Hugs!

Hello friends,

I read the pain that you all of speaking of. I feel the same. I am learning to just be Sue. Just me..no mom. It is such a hollow feeling to be without her. This year I am going to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in a way I never have before. It is no longer about the shopping, the cooking, the presents...maybe thats the way it should be. It is easier I guess when you are alone to NOT have to pretend you are OK when inside you are aching. I think about all of you and I love you and thank you for always being there for me when my own sisters were and are not. Your wisdom, advice and friendship has gotten me where I am right now. God bless you and keep your loved ones close. Our departed ones will embrace one another.

Melissa,

How wonderful to talk to you last night! Love Sue

cancer is a horrible disease that is killing to many americans like my father he fought to protect this country and what happens BAM he gets asian orange from the war and ends up with cancer..he didnt ask to die like alot of americans who get cancer,they dnt understand why they got it or why they got chosen i miss my dad terribly everyday all day and i hope one day to find a cure

Sue,

I enjoyed talking to you too! Thanx for calling back :) Much love,

Melissa

This is my first time here, I have been reading alot here about everyones lost and pain they are going though. I can relate too everyone here, I lost my love Lynn 5 weeks ago to cancer that we had been fighting since Jan.19 2011. I come home now to a house where their is nothing, it is so hard to write this. I miss my girl so much there is a hole in my life and it hurts soooo bad.

Dear Clay,

My Condolences.  I am very sorry about your loss.  I understand.  I lost my love, Denise in sept 2009.  i still miss her very much.

This is my first time commenting. I have been reading a lot of comments on here I just want to say that I can relate to everyone here

On September 27 2011 I lost my aunt to liver cancer these past three months have been tough I hope my Christmas won't be as tough. I miss her a lot i never had a chance to say good-bye it left a huge hole in my heart.

-Eleanor M