Sharon Wallace, I am very sorry for your pain.  My husband passed away on July 1, 2011, after a two month struggle with stage 4 metastic melanoma.  I also did 24/7 care in and out of hospital.  In the two months he was incredibly sick, only 1 night did I leave his side.  He wanted me there as much as I needed to be there.  I know what you mean when you say you still feel like he's going to walk through the door any minute now.  I had to have my husbands truck moved so I cant see it from the house.  Every time I walked by a window and saw his truck my brain would think, Tom is home.  And then I would instantly have to face the reality that he was not and would not be coming home.  It was aweful.  Now with the truck moved those moments are not happening as often.  But I go to bed alone, wake up alone, make meals alone, watch tv alone, take the dogs for walks alone, everything now is alone.  I had my sister staying here for 2 weeks.  She just left yesterday to fly back home.  My daughter and granddaughter were here on the weekend and left yesterday too.  My sons and their families live nearby but they all work and go to school so I dont see them very often. So now it is back to waking up in an empty house.  They say life goes on, but  it is not the life I ever thought I would have.  

Dear Sharon and Anna -

I am so sorry you had to face this loss; but I can say I understand and I know what it's like.  My husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer in January last year, had surgery in Feb., started radiation and chemo 6 weeks after than, had a powerport in for 12 hours (overnight) of TPN (Temporary Parenteral Nutrition) and I did that for him; and I was also his 24/7 caregiver, except when he was in the hospital because he didn't think i should spend the night - he said I needed my rest.  And he was right, because when he was home, I was doing a lot of care taking!  In October, the dr. said it all looked good; the part of the tumor the surgeon couldn't remove appeared to be inactive and it wasn't spreading or growing.  But mid-October he started to complain his back hurt and he trouble getting out of bed; he kept saying he thought it was muscular, and I kept saying we had to tell the dr.  At the end of October he started to bleed into his ostomy bag so we went to the e.r. immediately and he was admitted.  He spent a week in the hospital, one test led to another and they finally did a bone marrow biopsy, and I think we both knew what that meant; that was on Friday.  He came home on Saturday, we got the biopsy results on Tuesday, my daughter and my brother in law flew in on Wednesday, and my husband died at home, with hospice, on Friday.  This site has been my life saver.  I can always come here and vent or whatever; I've told my story so many time people must be tired of it by now - but it helps to tell it over and over somehow.  

I sold my husbands car to my nephew because he needed a car, and I didn't need two.  But I know what you mean when you say, Anna, that each time you saw your husband's truck you thought he was home.  Each time I opened the garage when coming home and saw Don's car, I think I had the same thought.  In a way, it's good to know the car is useful to someone, and my nephew really is happy with it, and in someways I miss it.  But I've been cleaning out a lot, and giving away a lot of his books to family who want them.  Most of them I'll probably donate.  I want to do something useful with his things.  

All I can say for now is hang in there.  This grief stuff sucks, but if you allow yourself to feel and release the feelings, and talk about it to someone - like in a support group or a therapist, it does get better.  Slowly, over time, eventually, it does.  I still have my bad days of course; some days I think I'll cry forever, but somehow I go on.  Take care of yourselves.

I am especially sad tonight. My long time friend.....who I dated 27 yrs ago (we agreed after a year we were better as friends) told me tonight he has pancreatic cancer.  It has been a battle for several weeks, and now results are in.  There is no good prognosis for pancreatic cancer.  I cried so much and have a bucket beside my bed in case I throw up.  am sick with this.  He has no help except his mother and daughter. His dad died from pancreatic cancer last fall.....so I told him I would come to stay. 

I just lost my husband of 10 yrs to cancer in 2005 and then a fiance in 2009 of cancer also.  I am not too sure I am capable of this, but cannot imagine his poor mom or daughter handling this...just after his dad's death.  I need strength I am not sure I have/  and it is so sad....

Just another thing to tick me off.  For three years I wanted my husband to have more than yearly blood tests after they removed a huge chunk of his leg after the melanoma was discovered.  But no, that didnt happen.  We were told since the lymph nodes came back clear and they got clean margins after the second surgery the blood test was all that was necessary.  HA!!!!  look what that attitude got him!  In hindsight it is better Tom was unaware of the cancer and lived a full active life instead of all the surgeries and treatments he would have had and still wouldnt have lived longer, but here is what made me mad today.  Toms brother, who hasnt had any cancer to date is now going to have yearly scans as a precaution because their mother and now his brother died with this cancer.  Uggggggggg, it just makes me so angry I cant even be happy for him and his wife that they are getting what I begged, pleaded, and cried for 3 years ago.  On top of that I dont feel I can talk to anyone about it because my best friends are my grown children and that is their uncle so they will be happy for him.  I feel like such a jerk for feeling this way so today has just been an very very off day~!

Dear Susan -

What you have offered to do for this friend is beyond the call of friendship.  If you decide to go through with being a caretaker for him, be sure you have a backup plan for yourself.  Caregivers, as you well know, need all the help and support they can get.  You seem to have had a run of bad luck with people who have cancer.  I can understand why you are physically sick from this; if I were your therapist, I would want to know what it is that you have to purge from your body that throwing up doing for you - I mean, what emotions are you swallowing that you need to get out?  But, I'm not your therapist, so I won't ask!  But I'd strongly recommend that you do find a good therapist who can be there for you while you are there for others.  I'm sorry if I've overstepped - but I can't help myself.  Good luck.

Dear Jan -

I do truly understand how you feel.  November 12th will be one year since my husband died from rectal cancer and I have days where I question my purpose in still being here without him.  He was my life.  Although I have two grown daughters and two grandsons, I still feel I have no purpose.  My daughters are both married, and I know cognitively they will always need their mom, I am so alone and feel so lonely i often don't know what to do with myself.  I am just going through the motions, but somehow I keep going through them.  If you are not seeing a therapist, please find one!  It can be so helpful to have someone to talk this out with.  And antidepressants can help; if you are taking them and they're not helping, you need to talk to your doctor about a trying a different one.  That being said, if you are still here, as I am, I believe that there IS some purpose; I just don't know what it is yet.  Someday it will be revealed to us; hang in there.

Dear Jan- I also understand how you feel,  November 16th will be one year since my husband died of lung cancer.  Some days are so lonely.  I agree with Cynthia-antidepressants really help.  I think just going thru the motions are important, because after awhile those motions bring a sense of routine back into our lives.  I don't think meeting anyone else is important; I plan on being alone the rest of my life, and I am satisfied with that because I have had the love of my life, if only for a few years. I'd rather have had Paul's love for a short while then not at all.

Please Jan, listen to Cynthia's advice.  We have to keep going, and your experience can help others get thru this.  Please keep posting; and know that you are not alone if your grief.

i just foundout today that my uncle Joe has cancer in his liver the doc found spots on his liver 4 days ago and this morning they did the test on his liver and some how the surgeon made a mistake and punture something in his stomach and now he is bleeding very bad inside and before they foundout he was bleeding inside he had a heart attack and code blue was call around 4pm and they had 2 bring him back and then 10 mins later he flat line again and they  brough him back. He is not breathing on his own he is on life support and the doc said my uncle in on so many different bp meds just to keep a bp on him. Everything was okay yesterday but after he had that liver test done everything went wrong. I just lost my grandma in august thats what brough me to this website and now a month and 2weeks later my uncle is fighting for his life right now in the same hospital, same floor, and same unit that my gramz was on. His room is just 2 rooms down from my gramz room. Why is God doing this for? Why is everyone in my family dying.. my uncle is only 51 and he was okay before his liver test. I know if he didnt get this test done his liver cancer would of got worst but why did the surgeon mess up and punture something and now he is bleeding bad inside and he had a heart attack.. why is god taking my family members so fast like this.. i lost to many already and i dont know how much more of this i can take.. ima just praying my uncle pulls thru but the ICU doctor told me on scale from 1-10  10 being dead my uncle is at a 8 or 9 and there still trying to get him stable.. Please everyone pray for him, I will write an update later..

Crystal, I am soo sorry this is happening. I have no answers to your questions, but I hear the fear, frustration and confusion in your post.  I will send prayers for you and your uncle and hope whatever happens is as gentle as possible.  Hugs to you all.

Crystal, Im really sorry you have to find the strength to face another family funeral.  I lost a son in 2010 and my husband 9 weeks after he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I kind of know where you are coming from.  I pray every day for God to give us all the strength we need to face each day.  I will add a special thought for you and your remaining family members in the days to come.  Hugs if you need them,

Cynthia,

I can relate to what you are saying about being angry about G-d.  I'm Jewish too and wasn't very religious until my mother died from Ovarian Cancer.  Then I started going to temple for Yiskor services.  I'm hoping my mother can hear me praying for her.  Sometimes I don't know if I'm angry at G-d for taking my mother from me or the hospital for not taking better care of her.  My mother died from an infection shortly after her third chemo treatment.  I was told the infection started in her IV and spread throughout her entire body.  It was so fast.  She died five months after being diagnosed.  My mother was a nurse and I keep asking myself how she didn't know she had the cancer until it was too advanced.  Now I'm taking better care of myself because I have type two diabetes like my mother did and getting ultrasounds every six months.  I am even thinking about removing my ovaries since I'm 41 and don't plan on having any more children (I have a 10 year old son and divorced).  I saw what this cancer did to my mother and I want to do everything I can to prevent it from happening to me.  I hate to say that I no longer believe in G-d but sometimes I do because my mother was taken from me when she was only 68. 

Ilana -

My husband was 57; when I tell people I lost him, they always say "he was so young" even before they know how old he was; I keep wondering how they knew that!

My belief system says it's okay to be angry at G-d.  Because my upbringing was not a religious one, I still go through questioning if there is a G-d, but I also believe there has to be a high power - all this on Earth is too much to be an accident.  So if it helps, be angry.  That's normal in grief, and if G-d is the target of the anger, that's okay.  He understands.

But that's another story.  I had a hysterectomy when I was in my late 30's; It wasn't cancer but I had other problems and I knew I wasn't going to have more children.  They only removed my uterus because of my age, but a few years later I needed my ovaries removed due to continual cysts and it was too painful. So I take hormones that are compounded to my my dr.'s specifications.   I haven't missed any of those organs!  I say, if you want to do it, go for it.  I know women who've had double mastectomies because there was too much breast cancer in their families and why risk it?  

Yes,  your mother was young.  Why did she not know she had cancer?  Ovarian cancer is one of the most unnoticed cancers there is, even if she had regular exams.  And then there's the denial factor.  My mom is 86 and my dad is 96; he's a retired physician, and for some reason he doesn't want my mother seeing a doctor! Denial that she is worn out from taking care of him... he fights us every step of the way when it comes to my brothers or me trying to help. Go figure.  

I'm so sorry for your loss; I know how hard this is.  I'm sure your mother does hear your prayers for her; she is probably with you more than you might think.  I know when my husband is near by a smell, a sound, a breeze when there shouldn't be one ... and one night the dog was so spooked by something he wouldn't leave my side or my lap, and that wasn't like him - he was my protector, and he was acting totally out of character for him. You know the word for life in Hebrew - Chi (don't know how to spell that in English or Hebrew, so it's phonetic!)  and the word for animal is "chiot" - it means "higher life" because the Jews believe that animals sense the things we cannot.  (I think that may be a little Kabbalistic...not sure!) Anyway, hang in there.  Grieve when you have to grieve, and if it helps, keep sending your mom your prayers - I believe she hears them.  

I feel so sad when I see all this new research showing natural ways to treat cancer or new innovations to treat cancer. My friend just sent me one about lemons and their power to heal cancer. I don’t read those articles anymore since I just feel like it’s too late for us now. Does anyone else feel this way? I hope for the best for anyone going through treatment but all these new findings are like insult to injury. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Llana, below is the article my friend sent me, I didn't read all of it since it was making me very angry that we didn't find this out in time to help mom. I know you are making all the right choices. I on the other hand have gotten to where I don't really care, I have all kinds of health issues these days but I really don't want to get anything checked out; this is different from just a few years ago where I would go to the doctor at any hint of a problem. I just feel like death for me will be welcome and I don't want any treatment if I find anything serious with me.......I know it sounds fatalistic, but its what it is. Thanks guys for all your support.

Useful info that may help someone ...

Mercy -

Personally, I don't buy into "folk" remedies, especially when it comes to cancer or other life-threatening diseases.  I've tried some for my arthritis and nothing works.  Eating lemons to heal cancer is bunk.  And honestly, I don't think the cancer doctors are worried about curing cancer.  I truly believe that they want to see the disease cured as much as we do!  So when "friends" send you stuff about "curing cancer," after the fact, throw it out.  I believe that in their own way, they are trying to be helpful.  But yeah, what's done is done, and it's too late now.  Hang in there; you are not alone in your feelings, or in your grief.

Mercy -

Years and years ago I went on a diet at a "Diet Center" franchise; I think they're no longer in business... but one of the "rules" of the program was no eating after 8:00 pm, and to drink a glass of hot water with fresh squeezed lemon.  Why?  Because lemon is a natural diuretic; as is water - if you drink enough of it, you just begin to eliminate more of it!  I don't want to dissuade anyone who thinks it will help kill cancer cells; but personally, I don't believe it.  I have too many doctors in my family and among my friends to believe that they are trying to find ways to STOP curing cancer simply for the profits.  Yes, pharmaceutic companies are in it for the money - that's why some diseases that don't affect enough people don't get the research they need.  But... I know that my husband's oncologist was broken up over it when his cancer metastasized and he felt as bad if not worse than we did.  I could hear it in his voice.  this is just my opinion; I would hate for people to not get the treatment they need because they are trying out these "folk" remedies.  And I know what you mean about not wanting to get treatment for yourself now.  I feel the same way - if I have something terminal, just leave me be.  

Cynthia, your advice is always spot on. Its true there are always people making these claims even when they are really no documented cures. I know for the rest of my life I’ll have so many questions as to what we could have done better for my mom, she has ten children who loved her to pieces and we are all so shattered that she died after getting what we thought was the best treatment available. She was only 71 and had so much life left to live. She really didn’t want to die and ad so much faith that she would be healed. Cynthia, this is a tough road, we will miss them till the day we die. Thanks for all your help.

I have been "living" without my husband now for 6 months. For years and years I've heard so many cure remedies about cancer but by the time we found out he had cancer it was too late. Looking back on my journey these last few months I can not bring myself to all the what ifs... All I can do is try to move on. There is theory that the government is hiding the cure for many of the serious illnesses that are out there. If this is true then shame on them. I can only pray that there will be a cure so mommies and daddies can see their children grow up, that loved ones can go on for years with hope, and that the natural circle of life be fullfilled. It does me no good to waste energy on being angry daily, but not a day has gone by that I don't cry for my loss and the coldness of not having my best friend be gone. Jim (my husband) died at the age of 52, colorectal cancer. He was diagnosed in February, died in April. I had no time to absorb, just time to be by his side and for that I am grateful.

I hope that the word gets out regarding the Lemon. I hope that there is some accountability, but in reality, the government owns what is rightfully ours and they, whoever they are should rot in hell if this denial of a cure is true. God bless all of us here who have lost. Pray for those who are still alive to be cured. And remember that some day we will be with them once again.

Dear Barbara and Brandi -

I'm sorry for you losses; truly.  I lost my husband last year on Nov. 12.  He had been bleeding and was anemic, but he also had Crohn's disease, so we assumed it was the Crohn's.  His dr. found the tumor in January last year, quite by accident, during a "routine" scope.  A small piece of the tumor came out with the scope, so he sent it to pathology and it was cancer.  The problem was that the tumor grew into the pelvic cavity and not the rectum.  Whatever; I agree with you, Barbara, that there isn't time for second-guessing and hindsight and the "what ifs..."  I know because I've done a lot of that this past year.  I don't cry daily anymore, but I still have my "bad" days when I do spend the better part of it just mourning and crying, and you know what?  That's okay.  I just do what I need to do and am thankful I have the freedom and ability to do that.  This may sound strange, and I'd give it all up to have my Don back by my side, but I am actually fortunate that he made such good financial decisions that if I'm careful, and don't go "crazy", I don't have to work or worry about finances for another 30 years or so.  I hope I don't live that long; I'll be 60 in April.  Don was my best friend, my soul mate, my very breath.  I lived for him, and I would have died for him, given the choice.  But we don't get those choices do we?  

As far as the government and conspiracy theories,  I just don't buy into it.  I know too many medical doctors to believe that they don't want to cure people of this terrible disease.  One of my students (I teach in a graduate psychology program) was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma last June. She has one more round of chemo to undergo, but she has been declared "clear" of any signs of the cancer.  So there are cures and there is hope for others.  When they found Don's cancer, the tumor was at stage 4, but the cancer was stage 1 - it hadn't spread to any lymph nodes or other organs.  He was doing very well until it suddenly spread in October, and he lived another week after the bone marrow biopsy.

I know I've posted all this before, but there is something healing about being able to "say" it as much as I need to, and for that, I thank everyone on this list.  Last night was a hard night for me; I was crying and I just finally went to be early, and let myself feel what I needed to feel.  Today was better.  But I have to say, I still question my purpose in life now that Don is gone. Yes, I have my daughters, and don't we all "always" need our mom?  But they are both married and are making their own lives.  So I question it a lot.  My younger daughter wrote me such a wonderful note after Don died; she had lost her father, but she wanted to tell me how strong I was, and how much she admired and loved me, and that maybe she "could be my purpose."  How can I not go on after getting that?  

Thank you all, for allowing me the space to write this.

Tomorrow will be one year that Don died.  I was going to take the weekend and go to Cambria - a small seaside community that we loved to visit - and I was going to stay at the bed and breakfast we loved so much, but when it came down to it, I didn't want to go.  I don't know why - maybe the weather (rain in the forecast); may the drive (about 3 1/2 hours) alone; but in the end I stayed home.  I just mostly have been sitting around today; sleeping some and moping - feeling depressed and lonely; but not wanting to be with anyone unless it could be Don, and that obviously is not a possibility.  I can't believe how quickly the year has gone by, and at the same time, how long it's been.  I miss him today as much as last year, once the numbness wore off and it hit me.  I honestly am none sure what to do with myself; my life just seems to have no purpose, and I am just going through the motions.  I won't do anything to end my life; I still have my daughters and I couldn't do that to them.  I guess I just had to share this with someone.  Thanks.

I'm so sorry Cynthia.  Today is one month since I lost my dad and tomorrow is his service.  I went into full panic mode like it was that day and had a horrible migraine to the point I was throwing up.  My mother gave me a valium after hours of no releif and in 10 mins it was all gone.  I don't think the pain ever goes away. 
I'm sorry for your loss.  Depressed and lonely feelings I'm sure is all normal.  Big hugs to you!

Hi Everyone I'm new here..My names Melissa I have 3 Boys ages 7,4,1 I lost my mom to colon cancer 7 months ago on the 7th..It's been very hard on me we were very close. I have good and bad days now..after the numbness wore off. I'm just now finally excepting she is gone I miss her daily I cry frequently but I keep going for my children. We found out she had cancer in Feb and by April she was gone. We cared for her..the hospital told us there was no hope so we brought her home on March 3rd..We cared for her till she drifted away...I thought losing her would be the hardest but that has proven not to be true..Living without her is the hardest thing for me to endure :(

Hi Cynthia; I’m so sorry that you’ve hit a rough patch. You’ve been there for all of us and I want you to know I’m thinking about you and praying for you. We need you around; you are such an inspiration and I think of you often and your words come to mind when I’m having a rough day. You’ve been our rock so let us be yours. Do whatever it is that will bring you comfort, even if it’s just lazing around the house. I know you’ll get to feeling better; you have a vast amount of emotional strength and stability that few posses. Please keep us posted

Melissa; I hear you I’m in the same boat and I’m so sorry that we are in this club. The pain of losing mom has hit me harder than anything I’ve been through. I’m in my mid 30’s and have lost three brothers and my dad, my brothers all died in their prime, my dad was in his fifties. Mom’s death rivals all of them. She died one year after receiving treatment for esophageal cancer. Typing those two words is so hard. I hate cancer; it has forever changed our lives. I think losing dad was a little easier since he died just a few hours after his car wreck. Mom suffered for so long and I cannot get over the pain she endured. It makes my grief so much worse. Watching the person you love so much grow weaker and weaker is heart wrenching. My world will never be the same again. Hugs to you my dear, we can only try and get comfort by knowing they are free of emotional and physical pain.

Thank you Mercy and Brandi and everyone else.  My real estate agent called and has two showings today; I could have said no so I that I could just "laze around the house" but truth is, I did that yesterday.  Didn't shower; just threw on sweat and laid around, watched the tube, slept some, read some, did a little knitting and more t.v.  Went to bed later than normal.  I've been dreaming strange things; the night before last had a dream Don and I were in a church, but we couldn't find the priest - he was raised Catholic but wasn't a "practicing" Catholic, and I was raised Jewish; strange I'd be in a church of all places.  Last night my dream was that I was in a house, it was my mom and dad's house but it didn't look at all like it; I was tearing old papers off the walls that were stuck, but when the papers came off, the wall board came with them and there were big openings to the outside, and then I told my mom, and it was like I was a kid and was afraid she'd get mad, but she didn't.  I wonder what that means?  Anyway, I need to get cleaned up dressed and find some place to hang out today.  My daughter and her husband took the kids to Disneyland; she said she wanted to celebrate her dad's life, and I think that's a good idea.  But she also told me she realized she hasn't really grieved his death, either.  Well, when she's ready, she'll do what she has to do.  I appreciate that you are all there.  Thank you.

Dear Mercy and Melissa,

I lost my fiancee to Colon Cancer in 2009 and I am still struggling with it everyday.  she was diagnosed in April and passed in september.  And living without her has been the most difficult and saddest thing i have ever had to deal with.  actually i am not dealing with it very well.

Love,

Mike

Mercy and Mike, So sorry for your losses and sorry we have so much in common.it was crappy thing to have in common don't yah think? I decided to come to this site as well because I'm not handling this well. I thought I could handle all this on my own I was so wrong about that! I hope we can find comfort in each other knowing we are going through the same thing's..I actually feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone..But so sorry there are so many of us in so much pain.

Hugs to you both!

Melissa

All I can say right now is Melanoma is a sneaky bast#$% that steals far too many precious lives.

Laura and Anna I agree my husbands father passed when he was only 17 his dad was 41..It was very hard on him since then he lost both his grandmothers from various types of cancer..Then we lost my mom...my aunt...my grandfather and his grandfather as well..So many losses

Hugs to you both

Melissa

Laura,

I'm so sorry for your loss..That sounds like a nice song I don't think I have ever heard it though. I hope you can find peace in knowing you will be with him again some day this is not the end but the beginning.  I know how hard it is to adjust your whole life after losing someone so special to you. I mean I know it's a different type of love...But I know all to well what it's like to have that person you care about so much be ripped from your life so quickly. I'm so very sorry. But we all will carry on..Because we have to..life goes on with or without us. It's been going on without me for 6 months. I just now started being a part of my own life again. I hope you continue to have good days.. it gives me hope that things will get a little easier during time. I know we will never get over this loss we have had but we do get used to it enough to carry on. I know that's what my mom would want me to do but it's so hard.

Big hugs to you,

Melissa

Hello All,

I recently lost my mom to Mesothelioma.  She had Lukemia for years, but once this was diagnosed it was all down hill...no relief in site.  I'm 24 and lost both parents (my dad was shot when I was 17).  There are days I just want to stay in bed and sleep.  I try to keep busy, but I feel I'm not allowing myself to grieve.  I don't know what to do...I dont' even have my mom to give me advice.

I am reading these posts this morning, the day after the one year "anniversary" of my beloved Don's death. Yesterday was not the day I anticipated... I didn't cry or mope around; I think I did that Friday, just as I grieved before he died when we were told he had a few days to a few weeks last year - and it was a just a few days as it turned out.  I have spent a lot of time the past few months reliving his last days, as if I needed to obsess on it; maybe my brain just needed to rework it.  I can tell you this; I allowed myself to grieve when I need to grieve, no matter if I was at home, driving, having a massage, with friends, or whatever.  The tears would come and I'd let them. There were days I just canceled everything and stayed home and cried and sobbed and yelled and yes, got angry at Don for leaving me.  I know that by not fighting the grief, it works it way up and eventually out - although I know that it will always be with me because that what it does.  My oldest daughter told me in September, at her sisters wedding, that the wedding brought up how much she missed her dad, and she thought then that she never really did grief for him, and it's coming out now.  Her sister, on the other hand, pretty much went through it all year, and we all talked together about how we were were going to spend yesterday - even though we are at opposite ends of the country.  I was going to drive up the coast (I'm in Southern California) and spread some of his ashes on the beach; but it was such a grey cloudy day, and rainy, that I decided to stay home.  I took myself out for lunch, and I ate what I thought he might have eaten if he'd been with me.  (And I ate too much!)  My younger daughter is in NY; she and her new husband spent the day outdoors, she watched some t.v. and made soup in her slow cooker; and it sounded like  soup her dad would have liked.  My older daughter and her husband took the kids to Disneyland - she said it wasn't raining, but it was grey and cold, but she wanted to celebrate her dad's life.  

I'm sorry this is getting so long.  What I'm trying to do here is to offer hope.  I do know how it feels in the beginning - I've been there.  As caregivers, we question: Did I do all I could?  Did I ask the right questions?  Should I have taken him somewhere else or to more/less/different doctors?  And we can make ourselves crazy with those questions.  

When we lose someone we love it hurts.  Deeply.  We feel like that hurt will never go away.  But, and speaking for myself, the hurt isn't as deep as it was.  Will I ever get over this?  Probably not.  Don was truly my soul mate.  He was the father of my wonderful children, and he was a wonderful father and a better husband. But somehow I keep waking up each day; and yes, there are still days I wish I didn't.  And there are still times I wish G-d or whatever power that there is would just find a way to take me now so I could be with him.  My purpose here is gone - I don't know what it is, even as I look for one.  My daughter wrote me a beautiful card after her dad died and she was back in NYC - she suggested that maybe she can be my purpose now - even though she is married and grown, she still needs Mom.  And that's okay.  But it's not the same. And yes, I miss him daily.  I'm afraid I'll forget what his voice sounded like, what it was like when he held me and kissed me.  The feel of his lips on mine.  And I don't want to forget that.  But yesterday I realized how long it's been since I've experienced that kiss; that passion and love, and yes, I miss it so much it hurts.  But somehow, I just keep going.  One foot in front of the other. But, damn, I feel so lonely.