Hi, i am completely new to this. I lost my beautifull wife to Pancreatic cancer on the 19th of April this year. We were very close and she had allways lead a full life as an entertainer and were allways the life of the part where ever she performed. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in May 2008, and was told she had 6 months at the most left to live. We as a family accepted it and made our peace, in early 2009 (February) she was told they had misdiagnosed her and that the biopsies they took were benign. We were over the moon with this news and for the rest of 2009 we led normal a normal life but she lived with constant pain and this was ascribed to the operation wound the scar tissue healing. On Boxing day 26 December 2009 i had to rush her to the hospital as she was in unbearbale pain and this is weher everything started all over again. In january she was diagnosed with stage 3 Pancreatic cancer and our lives were devestated, we had such high hopes and had plans to emigrate to the UK, all the boxes were packed and the removal was on it's way. Beginning of March she was in hospital again and came out just to go back in again on the 7th of April...during these lats 2 weeks emotions ran high and especially so on the Saturday and Sunday just before she passed away. I cried my heart out on both these days as i saw her slipping away and yet i still clung to hope, wishing her to get better. When we were phoned the monday morning just after 5 to be told she had passed away, it felt like my life had come to an end. I still find it hard to accept she is gone and as i am typing this my eyes are filled with tears and my heart feels like it is clenched in a tight grip.
I don't or won't accept she is gone and even though life carries on there is just so much that reminds me of her. Where to from here?

Ian, so very very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dave back in March and I feel like I am living in Purgatory. Everybody keeps saying that it will get easier but most of what people say to you are well-meaning but awkward attempts to console you. Those of here on this forum are in or have been in the place where you are now and we really do understand how you feel. Pour your heart out here, shout, scream cuss, cry, whatever you need. We are here for you. The people on this board have helped me thru some of my worst days and I hope that you find the same to be true for you.
Namaste, Ian. Love and Light.

Hi all. I am still numb from the shock and speed of losing my wife to cancer on the 11th of may this year..she was just diagnosed on the 1st of may so the set of shocks from cancer to terminal to death in 11 days. Finally having time at home to feel the hole in my life as we were together 24 years is somehow surreal as I can't imagine her not being here. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts but my mind is still reeling.... Talk to you later

i just lost my dad on the 31st of may and his family shut me out they waited three days before they called and told me that he was dieing and i would talk to dad on the phone everyday and he did say he was sick but he never said how sick he was my aunt said that he had lung and bone cancer and i feel really bad cuz i didnt have the time to go see him my dad was diagnosed in may and passed away on the 31st it was really fast and i think dad went to heaven to be with my mom and the love of his life and she passed away in feburary of this year ...... talk to you all later

I am so sorry for your loss Carolyn. That is the same type of cancer my mom died from....lung that spread to the bone. Sadly, its a very painful cancer and it does move quick. We were blessed that my mom lived almost 2 years after diagnosed, but it was 2 years of pain and chemo for her so not happy years. That is sweet about your Mom. I bet you are right and they are up in Heaven together now. I will keep you in my prayers. I am sorry you didn't get to see him as much as you wanted--families can be weird--but you know he knows you love him.

Hi Rhonda,
I am so sorry about your Dad =( The numb phase is weird, but I think its better than when reality sinks in, unfortunately. I lost my mom in Jan and suddenly after all the chaos of being at the hospital and hospice wore off and I was glad she wasn't suffering in pain anymore, it hit me......she's really gone =( Its so sad b/c your Dad, like my Mom, went through all that treatment and it still ended up coming back. The fact that it moved to his lung was probably also a MAJOR contributing factor. I didn't know this but lung cancer kills more people that all other cancers combined, so once it moves to the lung, its not good. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had moved to her bone. They told her it was incurable from day 1, but I don't think she had the heart to tell us that. We thought there was hope for remission, but before she was to be moved to hospice I asked her doc about curing her and he said he had told her he could never cure her =( So sad. My mom was 55. She almost made it to the 2 year mark after being diagnosed, but not quite. I am devestated beyond belief, but i am glad that horrendous battle that she fought so hard is finally over. Her poor body just couldn't do it anymore and she didn't want to let us down so it was hard for her to give up. LIke you, I look back and wish there were things we would have done differently, but like you say nothing can be done now......I am here if you ever need a friend or a crying buddy :(

I am 53 years old. I am a mother, a soon to be grandmother. Thank God those parts of my heart don't hurt. It is the daughter in me that is sorrowful. The sister in me that shares the hurt. Our mom, Rose, died on June 8, 2010 around 12:10pm quietly in her sleep. I was at work. I had been at her side all evening. We prayed together, we listened to music together. I gave her hugs and kisses and told her that we all loved her very much. I rushed home from work. Mom had passed, and the room was still filled with her warmth and her generous heart. I held her hand, stroked her temple tenderly and whispered we love you. It's ok I kept saying. Mom was gone.
She was a doctor, a teacher, a mother, a grandmother. She was 89 and would be 90 in October. The photo was taken May 25, 2010. She battled Parkinsons, Severe Osteoporosis and finally Breast Cancer.
I am so fortunate to have had a most wonderful, tender, caring, loving mother. I am also so fortunate to have had the gift of being near her and seeing her everyday, taking care of her and giving back to her the love she gave us all these years.
When I feel the sadness and tears well up inside of me, and I let them flow, I know that it is the testimony that there is a very real and
well loved part of my heart that will never be the same again. I miss my mom. always.

My mom was only 55.. she died of complications from breast cancer and lupus on Jun 28, 2010. I hate this and I want my mom back. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I want her around for me and my daughter.. my girl is only 2 and won't remember her wonderful grammy. I wish God would help me understand why this happened.

Hi Crystal, Losing someone dear and near to you is one of the most devestating experiences one can have in your life. I lost my dearest wife on the 19th of April this year due to pancreatic cancer, and still everyday is a battle to get through. My grand daughter is 1o years old and it is remarkable how she has handled the loss of her nan, she talks about her the wholetime especially is she sees the tears in my eyes, so believe me your daughter will allways remember her nan, no matter how old she is. And you will be happy again, your mother would not want you to be sad or sitting in despair, just remember she has gone on a journey which we all eventually have to go on and she is now re-united with all her long lost friends,relatives and animals. Please stay strong and remember grief is natural and part of the healing process, do not think of your mom as being gone forever but rather as gone to sleep at the days end. It doesn't make it any easier or better but hopefully brings some peace to your heart.
God bless and stay with you and your loved ones.

Today has been another one of those days where it justs sinks in(just when you think you have been through the worst of it) that No, she is not coming back in 3 weeks or 3 months or even 3 years she is not coming back PERIOD!! It's absolutely and totally is beyond any comprehension and no explanation or theory can justify the loss of not having her here with me. If one loses a limb or organ the body can adapt to the loss and you can even learn to function again without that organ or limb, but the mind and the brain cannot comprehend the loss of it's collective soul. It makes me realize just once again how lonely it is not having her around anymore, I miss my wife!

Hello Ian Duvenage Well put I think you nailed home the bottom line and to the point. From here on out we know we can look forward in being with our loved ones again. Heck I am 45yrs.old my family is gone. I am all alone. For me now most are on the other side.

I lost my Pop on 10/17/2009 from liver cancer. We found out on 7/16 & 3 mths later he was gone! By the time that he was diagnosed , the cancer had completely destroyed his liver & their was never an option of chemo/radiation. He was not a candidate for for those or a transplant b/c he had suffered a head injury 12 years earlier. Ian Duvenage - I HATE those days!! The days when your head & heart cannot comprehend what is happening.

I hate cancer & EVERYTHING that it means & does to those that we love!! My husband had cancer 7 yrs ago & made it through. I had hoped to NEVER ever go down that road again. When I had to watch helplessly as cancer destroyed the most important man in my life - I wanted to take his place. I wished and prayed for that in fact.

First of let me say something in regards to this forum. When I get an email about someone then try to respong to it. I no longer see or know where the posters comments are. And I have notice that there seems to be very little communication.
But enough of that someone posted about there father and cancer. Well I would like to say to the poster I am sorry to hear about your father. And I know fear,heartbreak, and being lossed is running at you at once. Well first all I pray that you don't feel that you will be ready for the out come. That is the best lie someone can buy into. One thing you can do is spend as much time with your dad. Tell him over and over again how much you love him. And how proud you are to be his daughter. Now if your are with him when the lord comes great. Help him walk to the lord and just be ready to let him go. But you must know that you will be with him again. Meanwhile talk how you feel because the hurt and pain your dealing with now is out of this world I know this well. But I don't know how you really feel and nobody knows that but you. Meanwhile I will pray for you. Also I am sorry that I cannot remember your name or my email link did not direct me to you.

Hi Connie,
I truly feel your pain and I understand. My husband and best friend passed away 5 months ago and it has been extremely difficult for me to continue to live my life, solo without him physically by my side. We were a team and did everything together and I really mean everything. I joined a support group soon after he passed away and I went once or twice and wasn't able to committ to going, so it really wasn't helping me too much. My Mom who is my best friend and main support system, helped me realize that my husband wouldn't be very happy with me if he knew how upset I was every single day. He loved me so very much and would not want me to suffer anymore than I already had and experience sadness continuosly. I started going to the support group more often and still continue to do so, and it gives me some bit of peace for a short time. It helps me knowing that there are other people who are experiening some sort of similar loss there. The counselor explained that every loss is unique like every relationship, but Loss is loss. I also saw an individual counselor, maybe that would be helpful to you. I am not sure if you have tried it already. If not, you may want to look into it at this very difficult time. It's just a suggestion. I think it's very important to talk about your feelings and express how you feel. If I don't express my feelings my head feels like it's going to explode, it's terrible. I too, was pissed at God for letting this happen but my Mom said that it's not God's fault. She said that this stupid cancer is so much bigger than ALL OF US. I believe that. I also started to focus on the beautiful special love that we had and I constantly look at our pictures and relive the wonderful times that we shared together. Believe me, I wish he were here because he was my soulmate, love and my source of strength but even though he is not physically by my side he is watching over me as my angel, just like your partner/soul mate is watching over you Connie. She needs you to be okay for her and for the two of you and your love. You have to make her proud of you and you will. It takes time and it is so difficult to accept, but unfortunately this our reality. I thank my husband every day for coming into my life and loving me and marrying me. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and the best thing that ever will. I need to continue to make him proud, it's very important to me and to him, this I know. My Mom gave me a book called Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman and I pick it up and read exerpts from it whenever I am up to it. Every day I try to do at least one thing that gives me a bit of pleasure, small steps. This doesn't mean that I do it. Some days I can't get dressed but that's okay too. This is all that we can do. Losing someone is the worst thing in the world to experience. I think we just have to try and get through each day the best that we can.
For me, I needed to start making more committments and following through with them for my husband and for myself. Everyone has to do what is right for them and don't let anyone tell you what to do. You have to do things when you are ready. I am here for you if you need to talk and share. Please know that you are not alone, we are all in this together and somehow, someway we will all get through for all loved ones. ----Journal writing has always been very soothing to my soul. For years I would start journals and never once finish writing in one. From the day that my husband got sick, I journaled daily and I filled up 3 books. I continue doing that now and I feel close to him. Maybe you would find some peace in writing. Whatever works for you is what you have to do. Try to find things that help soothe your soul a bit, even if it's only for a few minutes. It's important for you Connie.
We are here for you at this extremely emotional and difficult time.
-Julie

I lost my beautiful mom to Stage 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme brain cancer on may 17, 2010....my mom was the best mother a girl could have..not only my mother but my best friend...i felt like my world ended the day she was diagnosed and the day she passed away.....i took care of her full time while she battled this monster for 5 months..the hardest thing is watching someone you love with all your heart and soul slowly disinigrate and be in so much pain and you cant do anything about it but i wouldnt have changed it for the world that i was the one that cared for her i would have done it for however long she needed me to i got to share a special bond with her ..i prayed to god every night why? and to please spare my mom.but in the end the cancer took her from me......she wasnt given a chance...she was diagnosed in jan 2010 and passed may 2010...everything happened so fast..theres days that i still dont believe shes gone..its like im still asking god what happened? how did this happen? i cry every day for my mom...my life is hard without her in it..some days i just feel like giving up....the pain is so excrutiating...no one deserves to have to go through this..they need to find a cure somehow for all these cancers.i miss you mom and i love you.......i cant wait to see you again my precious angel.....

My husband passed away on September 21, 2010 after a long battle with metastatic prostate cancer. We farmed together our entire married life. Today our corn test plot was taken off, and it was so strange and lonely not to have him there. In addition to the pain of losing him, I had to move my parents to assisted living at the same time he was going downhill. My parents tell everyone they love their new place, but my mother has targeted me as someone who has taken control away from her, and basically won't speak to me. I'm in enough pain missing John, without this additional stress. Everyone tells me how well I'm doing and how well I am coping. I guess I must be a better actress than I ever knew, because inside I'm not feeling like things are ok. Being farmers and self-employed, we tended to be pretty independent, and I don't feel
comfortable bothering others about my feelings.

I am so glad to find this group. My father died 10/10/10. His Celebration of Life gathering is tomorrow. We were extremely close. He had a rare form of salivary gland cancer, Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma. I feel so empty without him.

My husband died in MAy of 2009 I still cannt get over how he suffered while he was on this earth, I watched as he wasted away in front of me. His birthday came again this year and he wasnt here all i could think of was how much i need to be witrh him i even went so fas as to pick up the meds that i take and taking them all i think i would have if my childern hadnt called me that day. i cannt do this any more i dont want to hurt and be numb all the time i miss him so bad i cannt sleep i dont eat i cry all the time iam so tried of pertending that i okay for everyone else i just want to be with my husband i need to be with him god help me but i cannt do this anymore i cannt live without him and if anyone tells me it gets better with time i think i'll scream so tried of hearing that it dosnt get better it only leaves your heart ripped in pieces breaking my sprint and soul... god forgive me but i need him hes always been there for me thru all the last 24 years of my life was with him each and every day and night 24/7 we were together i cannt do this on my own..... so tried of tring just want to feel something and not cry anymore want to feel his arms around me holding me god i miss him so bad want to be with him so bad

My fiance of 5 years passed away 2 wks ago leaving me with our two young children. Obviously I am not handeling this very well. We went x-mas shopping the week before for the kids and we were going to do x-mas and thanksgiving early because he wasnt feeling very well. He passed 11-13-10 we were planning the early x-mas and things 11-20-10. His birthday is coming this week and I had a surpirse party planned which everyone is telling me to do something for it even though he wont be there. For the last year I devoted all my time to taking care of him and the kids and sadly I watched him slip away. I miss him so much I dont know how to do this how do I do this? Everyone keeps telling me it takes time but I never realized losing him would hurt so much he was my everything my best friend, he saved me from an abusive relationship when we met and we have never been apart since. Im only 34 years old and I never thought I would lose the one person in my life that I loved so much, much less watch him as he started dying right in front of me and our children. It feels like someone reached in and ripped out all my insides, heart, stomache and all and just left this empty void there all I want if to turn back time and have him back...I just want him here back beside me

Thank you Connie, sorry to hear about your wife. I am on this site because reaching out to my family is damn near immpossible. Maybe its just me being paranoid but since Jerrys passing it seems very few people come around or call and very fewer want to hear how bad Im feeling. Mainly yeah I hear how it will get better and I just have to hang in there and be strong it's like people are drilling it into my head but right now it feels like someone reached in and ripped out my heart and soul, and Im trying to comprehend what the hell has happened I feel like its a bad nightmare that Im going to wake up from and he's going to be there beside me. But when I do finally fall asleep and do finally wake up hes not there and it hurts all over again almost as much as it did before I went to sleep. I walk around my house and try to find something anything to give me a sign that his spirit is still here, or something that will remind me of his voice but theres nothing. I talk to him all day long either in my head or outloud and feel like Im completly losing my mind cause all Im doing is talking to myself. I know I just lost Jerry 2 wks ago and Im just getting started going through whatever it is Im supposed to go through but I wish it was done Im tired of crying and feelin numb and shock and lonely. Thanks again for your words though they gave me a tiny bit of comfort

I lost my dad back in May from Stage 4 Lung Cancer. totally came out of nowhere and now he's gone and im stuck here on earth. :(

Shawna, this is the worst time of the year , never mind the worst time in any persons life to come to terms with and deal with the loss of one's partner and soulmate. I lost my beautiful wife and only soulmate on 19th April 2010 to pancreatic cancer and since then it has been hell. We all have to make this journey in our lifetime and to deal with it is beyond words, description, emotions and feelings. It does get better i know that but it still does not make it any easire living withou the other person. It is coming up to our anniversary in December, plus my birthday and Christmas and it is going to be very difficult keeping a brave face but yet i know my dearest Margi will be with me in my heart and mind because nothing dies there unless we choose it to be so. Be strong, keep on living life to the fullest because if Jerry was here , this is what you both would have been doing, remember his soul is free and beautifull once again no longer trapped in his body, and this is what you fell in love with . Appeareances and the outside matters not but how you loved and the other person loved you back.

Thank you Connie and Jan for the messages reading them and knowing there are others out there that I can communicate with that are going through the same helps a little bit. No Connie I dont want to go in any hospital thats for sure though thats what my family thinks will help me but I also have my two sons to think about also. They are the only ones keeping me grounded at this point because I look at them and they are so much like Jerry that I have to smile.. It does suck for anyone to have to go through this and especially during the holidays sometimes I wonder how the hell Im gonna hold up during them and Jerrys birthday is in 6 days that makes it just as bad. Jan I am sorry to hear of your loss and the fact your anniversary and all is coming up this month I know that will make it more difficult for you. I am trying to do as Jerry would want me to do I never realized it when we talked about the what ifs that it would end up being this hard and heartbreaking. Connie I know what you mean when you say you sleep with an article of clothing I sleep with Jerrys picture have since that night. I know that its going to take time and it will never stop hurting and Im young and I have myself and the kids to live for because thats what Jerry wanted but I wanted to live on with him not without him.......

There is no manual or guide on how to grieve Shawna, and even if there was it wouldn't help because no mere book or mortal can take the pain and hurt away. It is up to us to hold on to the memories and thoughts of those that has transcended to the next level. We, the ones that are left behind, live with the grief,heartache, fear and sometimes anger that accompanies the loss of a partner. I deal with it by every morning kissing my wifes photo and saying goodbye on the way to work and talking to her, at night when it is quiet and dark i think of her and it hurts and i cry but then i fall asleep with the knowledge that she is now at peace and no longer in pain and that she loved us all and still do love us. Just stay strong and keep on thinking of Jerry and talk to him and with time the effects will soften and your love for him will be even stronger on a spiritual level. Keep well Shawna.

So tried of my life spinning out of control when Brian died he took my heart and soul with him cannt handle anymore the holidays so hard to feal with keep taking pills to get thru the days at night i take more pills to get thru the night when am i going to be able to get on with my life. I get up at night thinking i hear Brian calling out to me it hurts so much waking up and not finding him here.All i do is cry and think of how i can be with him then i think of the kids and stop but its getting harder to stop each time. I found a box today with letters Brian had written to me while fighting the cancer after reading them over and over again i find that i need to be with him so much it hurts to breath i miss him so much cannt handle this anymore.Dont know who to turn to so tried of people telling me its time to move on with my life want to yell at them that they dont know how i feel and to leave me alone i dont leave the house any more when i do people tell me to move on or how sorry they are and it will get better how do they know cause i would really like to know how they can give advice on something they never been thru.... my kids asked me what do you want for x-mas mom i a smiled at them and said that as long as i have them i didnt need anything else. Thats was a lie what i need for x mas is my husband to be here with us i know that wouldnt happen so ill set here watch my kids have a merry xmas and try not to cry in front of them i love them so much i dont think i would have gotten this far with out them. Each day is hard than the last fore me to get up and function but i do for now anyway.....just wished i could have told him one more time that i loved him so much

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Judy I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my fiance/kids father 3 wks ago today and I read your post and I have been trying to figure out how I feel and your post nailed it right on. I get so tired of hearing how things will get better soon from people that have never been where I am right now and the only thing that keeps me from doing anything stupid is our kids. I cant get over the anger I feel towards myself because I wasnt here when Jerry passed away. He had slipped into a coma in our home and I had told my dad I needed to take a walk later that evening to get some air and I walked over to a girlfriend of mines home. I wasnt there more than 10 mins when we saw police cars and fire trucks and amublances fly by her house. she called my dad and he told her to get me home immediately I was running down the street before she hung up the phone. He was gone by the time I got there and I dont remember really anything after that except screaming and crying. These past 3 wks have seemed like a lifetime my kids are so young I try not to cry when they are around because they dont understand. When I go to bed at night thats all I can do...I miss jerry so very much and like you I wish I could have told him 1 more time how very much I loved him

Shawana I am sorry for your loss. I know the pain your going thru right now and i wont tell you its going to get better because i cannt right now my husband has been gone 2yrs now and i still am not able to deal with his death cancer not only takes our love ones but it takes part of us too. There is no time table on grief no winners line to cross no awards to be collected at the end. You will have to be brave for the kids i know its hard just know that your not alone and if you every need to talk that i will be here for you. And on those bad days think of him and remenber how much you loved him it will help some not much but some i dont want to tell you that it will be alright because iam still trying to find my way without my husband just take it one day at a time thats all we can do at this point. And know that if you every need to talk i will be here to listen. Will keep you and your family in my prays.

Yesterday was Jerry's birthday and I dont know how but even though the day was long and rough somehow I made it through. The days seem to be getting longerand nights are harder. I feel like Im moving along in a daze and at times it seems like its not even me when I talk or do things. The kids keep me going they act more and more like Jerry everyday he taught them so many things before he left us. I would give anything in this world to see him, feel him hold me, talk to him, or hear his laugh again. I know things will never be normal again but I wish it would just feel that way sometime. I feel so tired all the time but I dont want to sleep, and I feel hungry but when I go to eat my stomache just turns into a know. I thank everyone on here who since I have started writing on here that have left me comments it helps me knowing Im not alone and not the only one going through this that there are others that feel the same way I do. I mean I knew that I wasnt the only one but...its hard to explain

We just passed 38 months. 3 years seems like forever and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around "he has cancer" let alone that he died from it. I wish I could tell all of you that at 3 years it's a lot better, it's different, the immediate pain has been replaced by a longing. At least that's been my experience, but don't take that as how it's supposed to be for you. Everyone of us grieves in our own way and our own time. For what it's worth I don't think other people who aren't walking your path have the right to tell you how to grieve. As long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else grieve as you need to and in your time. I find that a lot of people want us to be who we were before the loss, but it doesn't work like that. Our lives are changed and this is our new normal, and in the beginning it's physically hard work. Be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve and express the emotions. It is traumatic to go through something like this, and the learning to live with it takes time. And it's important to remember that it's learning to live with it, not getting over it. People who want us to get over it aren't living it. I wish you all a peaceful holiday season, laugh if you can, hide out if you need to, cry if it's what you need at the moment, but most of all allow yourself to grieve as you need to.

I know the pain you all are going through to losing someone to cancer! It will be a year that i lost my wonderful sweet loving mother on january the 12! It still feels like it was yesterday! Its been a rough year and i really dont look forward to christmas. I dont look at it the same. Dont get me wrong i have a wonderful family, kids and grandkids to hold me up but it still not the same. Im not the same person i use to be before i lost my mother. It changes you. I look at life very differantly now. I pray to god everynight to help me with my pain. Hes helped me through alot. But theres still that empty feeling. Everyone tells me it will be ok but they dont understand until they wouldve lost a loved one to cancer. I wish they would come up with a cure to beat this deadly disease. I pray for all of you for your loss. I ask you, please do the same for me. Dont be afraid to message me. In my picture is me with my mother and granddaughter. Tina

I am glad i found this place.

I lost my fiancee to colon cancer in sept. 09 and i am still very sad and depressed all the time.  the holidays are really getting to me and i feel like i am going crazy.  saying I miss her is not nearly enough.

I just lost my wife to Hodgkin's Disease on Christmas Eve.  We were newly weds and have been together for 3 years and we were approaching our first anniversary as being a married couple on Jan. 9th. I'm still very numb over the pain and have spent all day thinking about it and speaking with friends and family members over the phone about it. I feel as if my life is over and I don't know how to go on from here.

Guy, I am so sorry.  Please stay in touch with your family and friends.  You need them right now, don't try to do this alone.  God bless you and may you find peace soon.

Guy, My Condolences.  I was there and am still trying to recover.  Today has been the most difficult day in a very long time.  Denise loved Christmas and we only spent one wonderful Christmas together.  We had no idea it would be our only Christmas together.  Christmas without Denise seems hollow and empty, like my whole life.  The only thing I look forward to in life is the hour a month i spend with my therapist.  And I hope to increase that to twice a month.

I'm coming up on the anniversary of my mother's death from leukemia. She went in to the hospital on Christmas, and died three days later. Christmas is always so hard for me because I associate it with losing her, not to mention missing her at this time. No one wants to talk about her no longer being here, which is very painful for me. I am thankful for this message board - reading your comments has helped me tremendously and made me feel less alone.

To all my friends i met on here, and those that have just joined, it sounds a bit hollow wishing everyone a Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas but what else can i say. To Guy, my sincerest condolences on this most devestating loss, nothing anyone can say will make it any better,  your wife will live for ever in your heart and in your memory and this is something to hold onto and cherish. This is also my first Christmas without my dearest Wife and today our faithfull companion dog that we rescued from the streets and lived with us 9 years also passed away. My wishes goes out to all in this one of their darkest hours and wish you Light and the presence of your loved ones sharing this day with you.

I wish my Denise a Merry Christmas. I love you baby and I miss you so much.

I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer in 2007.

I lost my aunt to ovarian cancer in 2006.

I lost my uncle to a brain tumor in 2000.

I lost my grandmother to breast cancer in 1996.

Guy - sending my most heartfelt wish for peace in your life. I am sooo very sorry for ur loss.

I lost the love of my life to pancreatic cancer on October 21, 2010. We did everything together. I still cry at the drop of a hat and coming home to the empty house is just awful. We were married 21 of the 23 years we were together. We could finish each others sentences and thoughts. I refuse to take medication. I know I have to go on. We have 6 kids, 8 grandkids, 2 great grandkids ( 1 of which arrived 12/23/10). Having a job to force myself to get up and go to helps a lot. I am going to try to keep active with the grandkids. Anyone with suggestions on helping us to cope would be greatly appreciated.

I lost my life partner 10/15/01 and I am sure I am walking around dead..but then I could at least see her. How about a do over..Like jax!!I  i am afraid of my own thoughts.There are not enough seditives to stop them. if I yell for her to come see somthing one more time.....I keep trying to find somthing that smells like her.But I am a clean freak so I had just done the mass laundry before taking her to the hosp.Expecting to bring her home..We were to do her bucket list in 3 days,she was gone in 8..............I have our..really her puppy to hang onto..i want to die everytime he runs to see if at last "moms" home...I am not at all certain I can get through this"oh it gets better" in about 5yrs...5yrs????

no one writes..why did somw one tell me to come here?

I will write and talk you

Hi. Sorry I haven't written more. After one year I am still very sad and depressed. It is worse now because I want to talk to someone all the time and I have no but my therapist who I see only once a month. I do not feel comfortable talking to friends and family, especially after one year. I cry all the time. Many times a day. Other than my dr. This webpage is all I have.

It has been 6 months since I lost my husband of 42 years to the effects of radiation for treatment of lung cancer.  Everyone keeps saying things will get better as time goes along.  I cry everyday and the loneliness is almost unbearable.  The thing I have learned about cancer is it is a disease that affects the entire family.  I am a 3 1/2 year survivor of breast cancer and am very thankful for each day.  I never imagined I would be so alone in this world.

Its been awhile since Ive written, I dont even know what day it is I feel like Im just going on in a daze.  At times I feel like its me but not me doing things and saying things and in the end most of the time I just feel guilty.  It has now been 2 months since I lost the love of my life to lung cancer and every day is harder than the next.  I really dont talk to many people and the ones I do talk to hardly come around since his death which makes it harder.  I am still hardly sleeping and when I do my dreams are all kinds of crazy.  The only thing keeping me going are my 2 kids and even then its hard to look at them cause they remind me so much of him.  I wish I knew what to do but without Jerry I am so lost I cant even think straight...all I keep hearing is it will get better....yeah I'll believe it when it happens