I still have the pillowcase Brandon died on and I sleep on the air mattress that he died on.. its at the mountain house and I sleep where he slept... I sometimes lay down on his bed at home too... anything to feel somehow closer to him someway.....

God I HATE this.... it hurts TOO much.... and it just gets WORSE AND WORSE ... I MISS MY SON GOD

dolly, I so understand what you are going through.  its getting worse for me to. I sleep with shawns things to. I wish and pray I was with him now. my life now is crying 24   7.  shawns the love of my life forever.  please take care  hugs   kim

feeling  so lonely, afraid to go on with out shawn. my heart is so empty. I need the answer , why my only child my son.  why not me? I hate weekends so bad, I watch the clock for 3 30 to go get him from work, to go shopping. I want to see his beautiful face his smile with those dimples. oh god to remember his voice so deep.  I love him so much and miss him so bad. as my tears fall I pray he does not forget me. my baby , my life. I want my son back, please bring him home.

Hugs Kim

it's so very hard going through the everyday mundane motions of life. I continue to tell myself the healing begins within me but that's so much easier said than done. everytime I think i'm doing better the reality that I will never have my daughter back again is all too consuming. she was my only child, my true reason for loving life...

linda, I know what you mean, and the pain you are in, loseing my shawn has killed me. to go with him is my dream.it will never get easier ever for me.  ill never  be happy again, ill never stop crying for my only child my son. my heart is so broken it will never heal.  hugs  kim

Rachel, Cry, act silly do what you need to do because your NOT crazy! Your grieving!  Next month will be 2 years since my Michael left and I still cry every day and I won't stop until I can.  I don't care who likes it and who don't.  Yes I'm angry. I'm angry at these damn people who just don't give us the room or seriously believe the advise they give will be the advise they would follow if it was them. It's not them but they try to tell us how to be.  Ignore them Rachel. don't allow their ignorant comments to get to you.  I'm sorry
Rachel we are all in a new world that none of us want to be in. I don't think people get that everything changes for us.  But Rachel I'd gladly be your new friend and I'd gladly listen to any story you have to tell even if you keep repeating it.

I thought if I was busy it would help alittle, boy was I wrong,  I made mini peach pies, as I was making them I thought  my shawn would say thanks mom ill take those home.  no matter what I do I cry,i keep telling my self he will come home to me. its just taking way to long. I wish so much my heart would stop beating, I want to go with him, hug him, kiss him.  my son my love of my life forever .

I walk around the house my daughter shared with me talking to her. I even find myself asking her to show me a sign that she's with me asking myself is it possible, can she possibly show me a tangible sign and if she did what would that mean. I pray everyday for healing but at the same time i'm afraid that to do so would be to accept the fact that she really is gone.... 

linda yes she will give you a sign, I have had them from my son. I know hes telling me hes here with me,  first it was his smell, then a light touch on my arm, I felt him sit on my bed to.  I know he will never leave me. you ae getting signs, hugs  kim

It is so hurtful that those people who you love and thought loved you can say such cold things so matter-of-factly.  Like Teresa said, cry as much as you want to and don't worry about what anyone thinks. Rachelle - I can't BELIEVE someone said you are acting silly!!! Wow, I am sorry. After 19 months, I have found ways to cope better and some days I can get through with some normalcy but time seems to have stood still.  As people go on with their lives, never mentioning my son or for that matter not even asking how I am doing it really blows my mind.

It does make you feel so lonely. I will go out with some friends and hear all about what they are doing, what their kids are doing on and on. And I am genuinely glad to listen, even while feeling a little envy. But they never even ask what I'm doing or how I am doing. I guess they are scared to bring it up. I don't know. I just know that it hurts, multiplies my pain. I am proud of all of you here because you are all dealing with your loss in amazing ways even if it doesn't feel like it. Who else can I tell everything about how I feel to? I get up and cry and cry as I write this because I know you understand. If I go out and do this, people think I'm nuts or just unable to cope. I'm neither. I cope really well considering most the time I want to curl up and die. But they don't know how that feels or how hard it is just to get through our daily lives. One thing I have learned from  them is how to be more compassionate and how NOT to treat those who are grief. Love and prayers to all of you. I'm going to try to get myself together and go out into the world. Thanks for being here.

One day God looked at His heaven while walking with a sad look on His face. He turned to an angel and said “there were too many adults in heaven. It is too serious and stuffy here.”

The angel replied “what do you mean?”

God told the angel “there was no laughter at the simple things, no child like faith in things unseen or childlike wonder as to why butterflies fly.”

The angel replied “how do you fix a problem like this?”

God hung His head and sadly announced “that babies, children and teens as well as young adults just in the prime of life needed to join everyone in heaven.”

The angel stood there shocked and finally asked, “How will you choose the ones to come home early?”

God said it was simple, “the ones who seem to be an angel on earth, the ones with gentle spirits with true love towards everyone they meet, the ones with a pure heart and absolute faith in God.”

The angel frowned when he asked “how will they be brought back to heaven again so quickly?”

God replied, “there are accidents, illnesses, just not able to survive for a long time and cancer; that can be the big one to take out kids of all ages.”

The angel feeling very sad asked “which mothers would get the special loaner children? Shouldn’t she know she will only have that child for a short time?”

“No,” God replied, “these mothers need to treat these kids like any other kids. Love and play with them but also discipline them, no different than normal kids. These kids don’t want to be wrapped in a bubble and kept safe, they want to experience life. But if a mom is looking with her heart, she might be able to see a hint of angels wings when her child is around.”

The angel asked “how do we choose what mothers to give up their babies?”

God said “I will choose this mother, that mother and these mothers over here. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she’ll handle it the best way she knows how. She will also have to have determination.”

“Determination?” questioned the angel, “is that a virtue?”

“Yes,” God said, “she will need it to survive the first few days after her child dies. The strength to continue each day in the light of her new changed life as ignorance, cruelty and prejudice comes raging all around her. Her will and determination will allow her to rise above such ignorant people. She will need the strength to stand alone, with a small group of mothers that understand. The loss of friends will be hard but the true, long-standing friends will understand and not try to change her.”

The angel beginning to understand smiles silently as God, hearing the unsaid statement assures the angel “yes I will be with her side by side every step of the way. Someday her reward will be rich for the ultimate sacrifice she gave…a beloved child.”

I wanted to share the below message posted by a grieving mother over the loss of her daughter titled " When God Created Grieving Mothers".

It brought some peace in my heart...

wow linda, I cryed and cryed reading that, so very sad, but I still feel he did not have to take my only child,  to leave me here dieing slowly, so mean hurtful. its not right. I will never ever forgive him. I only ask for him to stop my beating heart and take me to my son,  I cant live like this, to carry this pain is just not the way it should be. I need wshawn and I cant keep waiting .

I ask the very same question Kim. Why? Why my only child?! cry, cry and cry some more Kim. whatever your emotions are at any given moment just express them!  we deserve that much. 2 days ago marked the 6th month since losing my precious Desiree'. I wonder if i'll ever stop counting the day's, months, hours. 

Sorry Linda but reading this made me angry. Those words are crap. I don't as a rule reply anything negative, but those words tipped me over the edge. It's just not true. Death is life. God does not pick and choose who lives and who dies. If it were possible, God would save every child. Matthew 18:14 For it is not the will of our Father in heaven that the little ones should parish. I'm so upset that I hope I got that scripture number right. I know God can handle the blame when a child dies. I know this because I myself have put the blame on Him twice, but I don't think he'd be to pleased to hear that people think he does this to us on purpose. I apologize for offending anyone, but this poem just hurt me in my heart. I believe we are here to support, and share our pain. I have buried 2 of my children, and if I thought for a second that they died for the reasons stated in that writing I would not have the will or the want to live or to help anyone else.

Dear Rachel & Chelle, Crying and ranting is one of the best things you can do. In the beginning I never stopped crying or screaming in the car, pulled over on the side of the road. It has been 12 months for me now and I still can't listen to music on the radio in the car because of tears. I don't think I will ever be able to listen to James Taylor again. I still cry everyday and give into it. The harder you try to not let it out the more anxious you can become. Seeing a grief counselor for about 10 months now and joining a mother's loss group has saved my sanity.

What ever it takes to move through the grief is what you should do. I never thought I would be able to go into a supermarket again during normal hours, but very gradually your intense emotions and loneliness begin to ease. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, living moment to moment and eventually you will start to alive again.  I know I will never be the same as I was before my daughter died, but I know my belief in an after-life has given me hope.  Seeing a medium and receiving validations of Kyra's continued presence was another path I chose to heal. Some might think this is crazy, but do I care, NO.  Go where you need to go for support. Love to you Lynn

Well put Lynn

yes, thank you Lynn.

Chelle, I find heart shape rocks and you found a feather.  They are little gifts that our children leave for us to remind us that they are there and haven't left us. 

why do people keep asking me about shawn, it hurts so bad, just say sorry and let it go. then they say how. I just cry and say I cant talk about it right now. please let go. I want to die so bad, just take me to. I want to see his face his eyes and hear his voice again, to hear  MOM  please let me here mom again. I want my son back. I need him so much. tears tears and more tears, that's my life now.

I still have such a hard time fully comprehending that Kyra will not be coming to visit us again. I have been through a year of life without hearing her voice, or seeing her on holidays but I still don't want to believe it. Maybe our minds never fully except their absence. Sending hugs to you Kim, we all understand, and would love to hear our children's voices again

ditto Lynn. Just returned from the accident site where I have kept flowers for 19 months. Every time I relive it. I wasn't there so I try to imagine how it really went. I never got the true story from his friends. I get it, They were scared. But they didn't know there were eye witnesses. Damn it. I want that boy driving to stand up and tell the truth already even though it doesn't change anything. Hr never had to testify because he plea bargained. He's a coward. I just would like to know exactly what happened. People tell me to let it go. To not go there. I can't. I need to be the last place he was. It's a weird thing because it's such a beautiful place and the place of great pain. Hugs to everyone.

Been reading and re-reading and it is all valid. How we feel, how we cope, whatever and however we choose to do is OK.  Connie, Lynn, kim, Teresa,Chelle, Dolly and all the others here and its so sad that there are so many of us but my heart is with you all. It will be 3 years this December and I just cant understand how time seems to go by so fast and yet stand still in so many ways. In 2011 I had to go to Dubai and get my son back to India where I was then and i stood in the spot , it was Christmas as the accident happened on 23rd Dec and I could get there by 25th and standing there on a harmless looking road under a beautiful blue sky I just could not fathom how it could be true. I was so dazed and in the evening his friends had taken me to some restaurant ( it happened to be the same one where Shreyas had had his last lunch) > That i knew the next day when I went to his office and asked them where did he go for lunch and they named the very same restaurant. I remember that nothing was sinking in and I was so stunned and shocked and asked them why are there so many lights in the restaurant? and they said ," its Christmas"... and I had all these disjointed thoughts about oh yes he was to go and meet his cousin on Christmas day etc.

Now next month I will be going to India again on the 7h and my husband will follow on the 28th( Shreyas's b'day)... One part of me longs to be back in the home where I was with my son and my parents are next door, one part is shrinking at the thought of seeing all the familiar things there, and i know I will keep sitting on his bed, opening his closet and smelling all his shirts.My sweetheart baby , my strong handsome young son, my kind boy and with that gentle smile and beautiful eyes, I dont know how to just go on with the knowledge that I will never see him in the flesh again. So somewhere I just feel that well every passing day gets me nearer to the death of my body and I thank God for it. Other times, I feel I am alive which means there is work to be done here and now,it has to be done well and that is what I must now do justice to, and that would be my tribute to my son who is dearer to me than life itself

Sigrid and Chelle...the beauty about being here on this site is the enormous understanding which is extended. So many of us feel closer than family does. Sigrid how alone it must feel to lose both your son and husband together. When my son passed I was alone too as I was a single mom and though the ex had come to Dubai then, he remained as critical and negative a man as ever.How much you must have had to go through . Chelle its all so important now to somehow get back that luster and this will be done knowing that nothing will be the same again. I don't know how but just know that taking it one day at a time and keeping that firm belief that we are much more than our bodies and we need to 'get home' . Maybe through this doorway the steps back home will be just what is needed to hasten us?

What a lovely wonderful boy Zach is and what a lovely tribute on your page Sigrid.

Chelle wishing you and all here all the peace we can be capable of.

xoxoxox

Michelle H, Dolly , Dick , Gale how are you all doing?

everyday the pain is still here, without my son why do I bother doing anything. I just want to be with him, to hold him,  I ask everyday why, why he left me, still no answer, I want to know if hes happy, if hes smiling again. I know I never will till im with him. almost 10 months, it feels like yesterday, I wish I could forget that last day. its so hard to remember the good times any more,  I know ill be with him from a broken heart, I miss you and love you with everything I have shawn,  I beg you to come home to me. its to hard to go on without you.   my baby my son the love of my life my shawn 

Vasanthi so nice to hear from you. I hope you have a safe trip next month. Two days ago my first cousin, exactly my age, took his own life. I am walking around in a daze. My only peaceful place is meditation. I am so sad he felt he had nowhere and no one to turn to. And yet a little angry he took his life when Daniel's was taken from him. All these emotions are just too much sometimes. Time is so strange. How it just feels like it was yesterday that my sweet Daniel left us and yet it's been almost 20 months. How is that possible? I wonder somedays how I have survived it but yet we do. WE find that energy to go on living for our children, keeping their memories alive and their love close in our hearts.

I talk to him all the time and try embrace his spirit so that it gives me the strength to live the way I wanted him to. I had a dream last night and in it I heard him call out "mom!" but he wasn't in the dream. It felt like I really heard him and awoke! I have been asking so much to hear him again. I believe he hears me and if I leave my heart open , he will answer me. Kim I know how devastating it is not to have our children's physical presence, but I know your Shawn is with you in spirit. Sending everyone love and prayers today.

So nice to hear from you all.

Kim the pain is torturous isn't it? Like Connie, I do believe that opening one's heart will get answers. When we are in some much pain I know its difficult to think of anything else. But slowly you may feel a warm knowing that all is well. It is we who are living who have all this grief . Those who leave the body are certainly looked after well by God. I think get God into the equation, put your full trust that all is well with our children. Through time ever since we know of it people are born and they die. Surely it is a natural thing, so treat birth and death as events in the journey of the soul. That way we get some perspective and some objectivity.

Connie how difficult it is to hear of another death and of those we are close to.

Somehow now no death ever has any effect on me. My uncle whom I was close to as a child died a while ago and all I could think of was that well I am not in pain. After my son I think no ones death will affect me with that same monumental devastation.

Michelle, breathing exercises help in anxiety. Deep slow conscious breaths which reach the navel with inhalation and expand the tummy and with exhalation an indrawing of the tummy and a release of the breath. Do try it through the day. Breath and mind are intimately connected so a conscious slow breathing calms the mind. At first it seems like bs but it really works.

I actually would have liked to be totally alone on my son's birthday and Craig was to have come on Oct 1st but when he booked his tickets he was planning on flights where you don't have to wait for hours at an airport in bn . I thought OK well this just means that i won't have time to brood on his bday..maybe its a good thing knows?

It is bittersweet but somehow I am yearning to go as if Shreyas is there and waiting at home for me...Just seeing everything thats familiar makes me feel like he is in his room or will come walking out into the kitchen...damn damn damn none of that will ever be:(

I love you all..xoxoxox

connie, im so sorry  you have to go through another one, please know im here for you.  take care  hugs  kim

Taylor's mom,

So nice of you to share. there is nothing like 'butting in' and I felt a little relieved too as I also used to be very sympathetic and now I realize that I don't know the first thing about sympathy because that should be there for others regardless of one's personal situations. This kind of a block is there when I hear about other deaths and I dont know why. My cousin's brother in law passed away recently and I knew and liked him so much. He was always a helpful man and kind. He was 58. When my cousin messaged I called up and did tell him how sorry I am but my thoughts were like 'oh ok he was 58, he had a full life, Micky's was stolen from him and I was telling him mentally, don't worry Micky is there'. Now I am ignoring those kind of thoughts because I feel so ashamed thinking like this.

Lynn Williams thank you, I know I am going to India with a feeling that my son will somehow be there and what you say is right , that it will be healing but I also know I have to look at what happened straight on and know that he won't be coming back. Its that part that I cannot get myself to do. xoxoxo

Vasanthi - it will be hard but also familiar and sweet to be among Shreya's things. Since Daniel still was living here, I am in his room often and it is difficult to let go and change anything but slowly I am able to. But I always find that I feel closest to him there. The room he had since he was born, and grew up in, I want it always to be a place that he would like NOW because I feel he is there so much. I hope you can find some peace and closure on your trip. And give yourself that time to be alone and grieve if you need to. I'm sure your husband will understand.

Tayor's mom, I feel the same way about other deaths as well. We have gone through the worst fear. the worst pain, we get it.  I don't think it's anything to feel guilty about Vasanthi because we are just experiencing the truth that our children have been robbed of their life while others may pass in a more natural order. Of course when I hear of another child passing, I feel that immensely and always reach out to the family, whether I know them or not because we share something most cannot understand. We do have compassion and empathy for others who lose someone but I think what's different is that we no longer fear death ourselves so it doesn't affect us like it use to. Love to everyone.

been crying most of the day, god I miss my son so bad. today we are taking down the pool,  its just not the same with out shawn here. I just don't care any more. with out him I cant go in swimming. I look at it and cry, remembering when we went swimming together. shawn would hold me under,  I would give anything to be with him.  please god take me to,  please. I cant live with out my son.

wow today my sisters daughter came by with  a beautiful angel  for shawns  memory garden, omg I cryed. its so beautiful. I know shawn would love it.shes holding a small sign saying in loving memory.  my heart is so broken,  its been such a long day, taking the pool down and having a lot of company, now this angel for my son.

Sundays are a hard day, when everyone is going home from church to be with their familys...they have no idea....I usually emotionally crash on sunday afternoon...been having a harder time going to the cemetery...at first I went alot...now, it reminds me of the finality of it all...I think I spend the first year or more waiting for my son to come home...like he was going to walk through my back door and ask for something to eat...but after 22 months of waiting my heart is starting to understand what my head may have known months ago...isn't it strange, how we can "know", yet not "know"...

I know to ill go of a broken heart, I just wish with all my heart it was now. soon it will be 10 months, I just cant go on with this pain, I need shawn and I need to be with him. every time the phone rings I think its him,  sat and sundays I pick him up from work at 4. I look at the clock at 3 30 and think I better get ready, then I say hes not at work. I hate weekends, I hate living. I tell him every night if he needs me there ill go , and I will.  im so mad at god, yet I ask him every night to take me to shawn.  when I wake up in the morning I hate him more.  he took my life away from me

To all, you can go on, and you will go on because there are many of us who have gone before you. Yes it sucks. Yes it hurts so bad sometimes you want to just give up, but I ask you what good will giving up do? What happens to those who come after us if we all just give up? I can't think of any worse pain than losing a child. I don't believe in hell anymore because I already know what hell is. Reach out. Ask those of us who have walked this journey questions about how we have survived, and the skills we have learned to cope. That's what we are here for. I have been where you are twice. I am willing to help in any way I can, but I won't help you give up. I understand the want to quit, but not the action. I am speaking from raw experience. The more you wish to die or for time to pass quickly so you can pass away, the longer, and the harder this road becomes. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. I'm trying to help. I realize we all have different ways of coping. We all have a different timeline in grief, but for everyone the first step is to realize what is possible and what is not. No you will never get over it. You will always want for your child. However I do know there will come a day when you will feel your child with you in your heart. There will always be little reminders of their smile, laugh, and existence. You won't always get what you want, but you will get what you need. Peace, and Love to all, and remember Love cannot be severed by death.

Thanks Anne. Last year on this weekend was Kyra's memorial service, and I was very down yesterday. But today I got up and went kayaking with three girlfriends who's children were good friends of my daughters. I was able to laugh with them and talk about my daughter and their children. It was just what I needed. Some days it feels like you are walking through sludge and it is so hard to move, but if I allow myself to let go and get involved it pulls me out of a funk. Thanks for reminding me that learning to cope is an ongoing fight, we all have to move forward without our loved ones, if we want to live fully again.