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Comment by Nancy on September 22, 2017 at 10:04pm

I'm exactly where you are bluebird. Only it's only been 4 months. We were married 43 years. Got married young. I know no other life.

Comment by bluebird on September 22, 2017 at 9:31pm

Today marks exactly five years since my husband died. 

I still wish I had died when he did. For me, it's not the nights that are the worst part, it's the mornings.  Of course I do miss him at night -- I miss cuddling with him, I miss making love with him, I even miss his snoring.  But I just watch tv and/or muck around on the computer until I can't keep my eyes open anymore (with the assistance of Benadryl or a sleeping pill), and then I'm asleep for a little while. But when I wake up in the morning, very often I wake up with a start, with my heart racing, hearing myself moaning. I wake up and reality comes rushing in -- my beloved husband is dead and I don't know if he still exists and if I will ever see him again. Plus all the other shit in my life.  It's like I have to steel myself to even drag my ass out of bed to get ready and go to work or whatever.

I still don't believe this is real, I don't believe that this is my life. This will never be real to me, in a very literal sense -- it is too horrific to be real. I feel as though I am stuck in a nightmare, in some fucked up alternate reality (like the "Silent Hill" movies, if you're familiar with those). 

I love and miss my husband SO fucking much, and nothing will be right unless/until we are together again.

Comment by John T. on September 21, 2017 at 6:12pm

It's amazing the power of food shared together has.  I have broken down in the grocery store many times, almost every time I went during the first year.  Some things I can't go near and others give me great comfort.  I can't make sense of my reactions but they are powerful.

Comment by Nancy on September 21, 2017 at 6:12pm

I'm working and it's very fast paced and hectic. I love what I do and It has helped to be busy. Nights are the worst. And weekends.

Comment by Ronnie Luethy on September 21, 2017 at 5:56pm

Annette and I always loved cooking together. We kept 2 binders of recipes that we had made together. I've started writing a cookbook containing all these recipes. The good/bad part has been adding stories about how we found and tried some of these. The memories are intense, and have led to many smiles and tears. We have a 14 year old son, and my hope is that one day this will help him remember the times the 3 of us have had together.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 21, 2017 at 4:33pm

Nancy,

I am retired but I keep myself busy with my dog, I also love gardening and help neighbors with theirs. I do see a therapist and take meds to help me to continue on in this hectic world.

Comment by Nancy on September 21, 2017 at 2:49pm

Thank you Linda. It really doesn't help when others tell you what you need to do or feel.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 17, 2017 at 12:27pm

Hi Nancy,

I have a quote on my fridge as follows: Grief is something you never really get over, but you put it in a place inside you and deal with it in the way you have to. 

Comment by Nancy on September 16, 2017 at 6:22pm

Linda. What a cute dog! I just got off the phone with my 97 yo mom who tells me I'm working to hard to avoid grieving. God love her. I told her if I wasn't working to have at least some time to not think about everything I would be completely nuts. I love it when people try to tell you how to grieve or how you should be feeling.
.

Comment by Paul on September 16, 2017 at 4:54pm

Linda,
Thank for the advice. Babie J is adorable! My wife loved dogs as well and one of her last words to me was to take care of our 2 sons as well as our dog, Lulu, a black puggle. I agree with you that dogs are better than most people. I found out the hard way that they are a helluva lot more loyal and loving as well.

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