Comment

Comment by JenShep on October 2, 2017 at 3:43pm

Trina, You're so right... the process is different for everyone. I think I'm getting to the place (1 yr since Tom left this earth) where everyone kind of expects me to be done grieving. Even my mom (who lost my dad when he was 43 and she never remarried) told me yesterday that I need to be tougher with myself. Everyone is over it, except for me. That was definitely some unwanted advice - haha! She was more ready for my dad's illness to be over with (he had been sick for 3 years, not 5 months like my husband.) Also, my mom had kids, I don't. Also she's way more practical and less emotional than I am. So, that just goes to show you that even with someone who has gone through something very similar, her experience and process is so individual. I guess it feels hard when no one wants to offer the support that they did in the beginning. I'm so awful to think this but I wish everyone I know could just experience what I am experiencing even for a week or so. Empathy goes a long way and is in short supply. I like the fact that you experienced some comfort in your trip with your friend who is also a widow. And that you will take another trip with her. I think that's a wonderful support and relationship to have and develop. I can really appreciate the fact that even after 3 years you still wish everyday to be with Joseph. Last night I found some comfort in just telling myself that I would be with Tom soon. Even if I don't know what "soon" is. I got a lot of of your posts so thank you. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 2, 2017 at 3:10am

Just a general observation I wanted to also make. So many people--people who have never faced the death of a spouse--give advice to bereaved spouses. I suppose in most cases it comes from wanting to be kind and helpful. But these aunts, siblings, friends, and coworkers have no first-hand experience; they relay things they have heard from other people, read in a magazine, saw on some online site, etc., but not from their own, personal experience of having to lose a spouse, an earth-shattering, life altering experience, an experience that has left so many of us on this site wishing that we could reunite with our beloved husband/wife in the next life. What these well-wishers don't know is that grief is deeply individual; how each surviving spouse/partner reacts to the loss is very different for each person. So if going on a cruise worked for some one widow/widower, it doesn't necessarily mean that every widow/widower will also find the experience healing. That's why it is so irritating and frustrating to get unwanted advice, it's because people fail to understand that each person grieves in their own individual way; there's no one size fits all approach to grieving. Taking a trip or going on a cruise may work wonders for some, but not for others. Grieving would be a little easier if people left those of us grieving alone. But that doesn't happen, does it? Because everyone has an opinion about it, and they must give advice. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 2, 2017 at 2:47am

My husband Joseph and I used to take trips very often, and so like the rest of you who have taken trips, it comes with a lot of pain as it stirs up old memories. I have taken a couple of trips, one with my family, and it was hard; everyone was happy and light-hearted, and for me, at every step I missed Joseph, and it brought back all the memories from our many, many trips over the years. It was hard, very hard. But I took another trip with my university friend, who was also widowed a few years ago. That trip was a good one (by good I mean okay with a few good moments here and there). The reason there were good moments is that my friend (whom I saw for the first time after 30 years) and I were mentally in synch. Both of us intuitively knew how the other was feeling, that the trip was bringing up happy memories and those happy memories were causing pain. Unlike other people who always laugh foolishly, or say the wrong thing, or are are impatient, she and I were very good to each other, considerate and thoughtful. So at the end of the trip I realized that it had been healing. I will be taking another trip with my friend for winter break. She being a widow herself understands... so unlike all the others. This has been my experience with taking trips. 

More than three years have passed since the day when Joseph left this world, and every single day i wish I were with him. My desire to join him on the other side has not diminished one bit after all this time, and I don't expect this desire to ever go away. To envision life without Joseph is simply heartbreaking...

Comment by Paul on September 29, 2017 at 4:23pm

Your situation pretty much sums up my hellish existence on this earth, JenShep. Others just simply can't grasp what you, I and the others on this site are going through on a daily basis. It's been six months without my wife now. I can't comprehend enduring years like this.

Comment by JenShep on September 29, 2017 at 4:05pm

It seems like every distraction, whether it's a trip (which I can't tolerate but, like a lot of you on here, people keep urging me to take) or work or dinner out with a friend, just postpones the anguish for a little while and then it comes back almost amplified because I've taken a short break. There is really no escape. And I'm most comfortable when I'm at home alone, surrounded by our things and maybe even him. When I can succumb to the pain whenever I need to. I keep wondering if I can live out the rest of my years this way, just going to work and coming back to our home and trying to feel like he's here with me. Seems a sad existence but I can't see anything else. 

Comment by John T. on September 29, 2017 at 3:54pm

I went with family to visit antique shops and out to lunch last weekend.  It seemed every other thing I saw sparked a memory.  All I could think was how much I wanted to share the day with her.  All the talk seemed like noise and the laughter was so hollow to me.  I just wanted to get home to the cats.

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 29, 2017 at 3:48pm

Maxey,

I agree taking a trip without my husband didn't do a bit of good, all it brought back is memories of all the fun we had. The night is better for me too. Daylight just brings pain. It has been four years and it hasn't gotten better for me. All I have is my sweet dog Babie J and she is better company than humans. Her love is unconditional.

Comment by Maxey on September 29, 2017 at 11:55am

It seems that waking up and facing the day for most of us is the worst. Yes, the night seems more bearable since the darkness seems to envelop me when I go to bed. It seems to cover up some of the pain. The light seems to enhance it and make it real again.
I do keep questioning why I should continue living such a purposeless life.
I have thought of taking a trip, but I know I would stand around the whole time thinking of times I traveled with my husband. I would be a wreck, crying at every memory. Sounds like a great way to spend a trip, right?

Comment by Nancy on September 24, 2017 at 10:19pm

Exactly Bruce and M. Nothing is the same

Comment by Bruce Armstrong on September 24, 2017 at 9:54pm

Take a trip would be great if you had that very special person to share it with-people just don't understand how much it takes away from you as a person

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 89
• 90
• 91
• 92
• 93
• …
• 340
• Next ›
• Page