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Comment by bluebird on December 14, 2017 at 10:33pm

((((((morgan))))))

Comment by morgan on December 14, 2017 at 9:15pm

Paul, Each of us have memories of a time and day of the death of our beloved.  Mine just happened to come at a time of the year when normally the excesses of celebrating kick into high gear.  Not better not worse than anyone else's just crappy no matter for any of us but i appreciate  the sentiment. I always think about Bluebird when this kind of subject is talked about.  Talk about shitty timing.  I feel for her like you feel for me but for none of us was the time "right".  

And look at Alice.  Jesus, Alice.  How do you bear it?  I know I am not bearing it very well and I have given up really trying to do so.  I am retreating now and have been since Thanksgiving.  I build a wall until at least the end of January and heaven help anyone who gets too near me or tries to make me feel better.  

As I sit here writing this the news is broadcasting the names of all the children killed at Sandy Hook.  Five years today.  How is this "death" possible?

Nothing prepares us for death.  Sadness pervades every fiber of our being for the rest of our days when we lose our spouses if we had the kind for relationship that many of us on here have had.  There is a woman here where I live who just lost her husband in September and I didnt know about it until just three weeks ago and she had gone out of town.  Now I am trying to help her or at least bring some words of understanding to her as we are both in an emotional void.  I have been sick for a couple days though and didnt get out but having someone close by is like having everyone on here.  A spirit that really understands the hurt and the pain of losing the person who was such an intimate part of our own being.

I know I have gone through stages in this grief but the one thing that never changes.......I remember him every second of every day and I will till the day I die.  Its not that I am worried about forgetting him it's that I constantly remember him and it affects every single thing I do.  Its just so hard. 

Comment by Elynn m on December 14, 2017 at 8:57pm

My friend just lost her husband before Thanksgiving.   I'm trying to reach out to her, because I know how she feels, but she does not seem to want to respond.  She's keeping very busy!  I feel bad for her, but I guess she has to go through it.  I did the same thing for awhile after Joe dued.

Comment by Elynn m on December 14, 2017 at 8:54pm

Thank you, Linda for posting that.   

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 14, 2017 at 2:59pm

Alice,

I am so sorry, I know you holidays will never be the same again, we just make the best of it. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 14, 2017 at 6:07am

Morgan & Paul,

I feel exactly like you do, I wish I could sleep the holidays away, I find no joy in them, it's just another day I am being tortured.

Comment by Paul on December 14, 2017 at 2:40am

Morgan,

As hard as it is for the rest of us to endure the upcoming holidays it must be at least doubly difficult for you given the circumstances your husband and you were dealt with. 

To everyone here who has put up with this hell for multiple years, you have my ultimate respect. This will be my first holiday season without my wife and I know it's going to suck.

Comment by morgan on December 13, 2017 at 9:01pm

Paul,  In particular this time of the year everyone who hasn't lost their love is celebrating.  I used to be one of them. Then one day a long time ago, I took my sick husband to the hospital Xmas Eve day and found out the day after Xmas that he had six to nine months to live (stage 4 cancer). He lived 27 days.   

I cannot only not celebrate but even after this long (almost five years) I am not able to even associate with people who are, no matter how much I might try to fake it.  I have quit trying.  Now I draw into myself and hope like hell I don't have to live through one more year of these tortuous celebratory times.  Not one more month.  Not one more day.

I never would have thought my brain would rebel at wanting to live.  I practiced yoga.  I ate healthy.  I had a great job doing international business.  Now, I am dead inside.  All I want is for him to come to me and take me wherever he is.  

Yes, I keep extremely busy.  To the extent that I have tried to suppress some of the grief my system dishes out I have endured  but my system has decided to take a different tack.  In the beginning I was losing hair by the handfuls.  Many other things too numerous to mention happened in between.  Now I have come to find out that my immune system has attacked my joints and I am being crippled by rheumatoid arthritis.  

My grief prefers a slow agonizing death.  A slow tortuous path that still keeps me alive and breathing but not really living.  My grief is a mean ravaging beast that has turned all of my joy to sadness.  All of what I had.....I am now bereft.  Because the only thing that ever counted was him.  No one in my family or most friends cant understand it.  They cannot understand my history of 35 years of marriage and 55 years of knowing this man has been erased.  Gone. Vanished.  And they want me to fix it.  How?  And really, just give me one good damn reason I should want to.

Comment by Paul on December 13, 2017 at 6:41pm

Count me among those who are looking forward to death after losing my wife. I am absolutely not interested in anything else.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 13, 2017 at 6:28am

SINCE I LOST MY HUSBAND, I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON I WAS

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