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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 12, 2018 at 6:48am

Nancy,

Wow, I love your post, that is me to a "T" on March 14 it would have been our 37th wedding anniversary, I wish I could join him in heaven everyday of my life. 

Comment by bluebird on March 11, 2018 at 2:27pm

Too fucking right, Nancy.

And for me, at least, it stays that way, all of it.

I wish "widow brain" were as well-known by the general public as "pregnancy brain". 

Comment by Nancy on March 11, 2018 at 12:27pm

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 9, 2018 at 12:09pm

Morgan I hear you and feel the same about my relationship with my husband. I am cut adrift from the intertwing of our souls and live with such deep pain I cannot cry I wish I could

Comment by morgan on March 9, 2018 at 11:58am

Linda,  I too have tried so hard to live without my husband but so many things still trip me up.  And for so many of the years I kept thinking that somehow I would find a way to have less of the "missing" and more of the "living".  We had a very close, intense relationship.  It was not a marriage of mutual acceptance it was a marriage of deep intertwining of our spirits.  I think there are couples who have what we had whether they had a short time together or a long time.  It wasn't convenience but passion that bound us together.  And I don't mean just physicality.  Similar likes, beliefs and a zest for life whether we always agreed or not we lived it deeply.  Sometimes there is the kind of soul connection that prevails on our brain and wont let go no matter how hard we try to rewire it to live again.  

I don't do religious faith anymore because my childhood catholic atonement messaging has done enough damage.  I struggle with feeling guilty at times and I know where that comes from.  Religion  (for me) carries way too much baggage.  I have tried to tough out the mental pain of this feeling of abandonment using crying as my relief valve rather than drugs.   I am an old zen styled holistic person and think I need to "feel" what my brain is telling me so I have steered away from the antidepressants etc.  Not that it may not have helped, I just chose the whole experience.  Of course that has led to some major physical complications after this long of having my neural network assaulted but I needed to not put any barriers between me and what I thought I needed to "feel".  Just me.

As a result of the above I have, like you, moved further and further away from engaging with mostly everyone. Self protection.   I have one person who continues to slog through this with me and gives me phone time on a daily basis and who knows who I was when I was part of a couple and empathizes with my struggles.  Then I have a few other people  (maybe four)who are in my life but will never be able to relate totally but they have tried to be helpful.

What I find is I am now functioning better but the emotional impact of my husbands death is like a slow growing cancer.  I am slowly dying.  How quickly the mental pain of living without him will kill me is anyone's guess but the actual pain is real and it isn't going away.  And its not a "depressive" reaction.  Its what happens to anyone whose atoms have been entangled on a primal level.  Something in this universe will not allow me to uncouple enough to stop having moments of complete collapse.  And they get worse in a way I cant even explain.  All along I have been trying to "explain" to myself but now I have to accept that there is no other way than the way I am living now that will "heal" me.  Its why I stay away from most of life and choose only when and what I am going to do to still pay bills and have some interaction on a level where I can still use part of my brain so I don't go completely stir crazy.

Its a fine damn line......I walk on eggshells.  I never know what or when I am going to start digging into my hole.  And my hole is crying.   Crying like I never thought possible.  Its the only way I can get the pain out of my system.  But going from one crying spell to another is how I now live.  I plan how I live around trying not to cry, not trying to live.  But I know that the crying is my drug of choice.  It is how my body and brain is trying to express the deepness of his absence.

Anyhow I have rambled on enough..............I see myself giving up and being more determined to push any button that might bring a quicker end.......And you have it right........it is what it is......it just is........

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 9, 2018 at 6:07am

Hello Friends,

I am still broken after 5 years and cannot fix myself. I have tried everything I can think of to live life without my Husband, I give up, just going to spend my live alone as I do not fit in the world anymore. It is what it is. 

Comment by JenShep on March 8, 2018 at 10:19pm

Morgan,

The only thing that keeps me here is thinking about how much my mom would suffer if I were gone AND the idea that I would have to come back in a next life and go through this again. I can't imagine having to do this again in another life. That would mean that this year and a half of suffering was for nothing. I need answers. I think I need to buckle down and try harder to connect with Tom. Or to figure out why I'm still here. If all of these ideas are wrong and it's really just "lights out" when you die, then I'm with you - leaning towards tying up my affairs and taking the step I've also considered since day 1. But I think I need to do more research first lol. (Is this just my survival instinct kicking in?) I just wonder if maybe you could focus on something similar - if maybe that would help you a bit? What if we can learn to communicate with our loves somehow? (That would be amazing.) I know you've been at this for a long time. And I don't blame you for thinking the way you're thinking. I totally feel the same way. Just trying to find something that might be helpful to both of us...

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 8, 2018 at 2:24pm

Couldn't agree with you more Alice. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 4, 2018 at 5:16am

Morgan,

Your post was awesome, the only thing keeping me alive is that if I take my own life my family will suffer and my religion taught me you will not be joined again with my Husband, if I do. I too feel on some days that I am going to go insane with grief.

Comment by Nancy on March 3, 2018 at 3:11pm

I believe like you do Morgan. Somehow I will connect with my husband again.  I have to believe that or I too will go mad.

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