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Comment by morgan on April 28, 2018 at 11:57pm

Nancy, I hear you when you say all you do is work.  Thats all I've done for five years in order to keep myself distracted.  I sold our home we shared, bought and rehabbed two more, sold both, bought and rehabbed four more and I don't mean sitting back.  I do tilework, I paint, I sling the sledgehammer for demolition, I throw rock for driveways, you name it..... So functioning to do the work is not the crippling part (other than some soreness and battling my arthritis).  Its the fact that when the work ends I am still in the same place.  Missing him, missing talking to him, missing holding him, missing being in the same room with him.  Not much has changed over five years only that I can function longer without breakdowns.  But the breakdowns are convincing me of the need for an exit.  I just am tired of putting up with having to live without him.  And I have never "moved on".  I just take up space.

Trina, We've been here a long time together.  Feels like an eternity.   I knew from the get go you were going to be one of the broken hearted not willing to find another.  Some of us just had the best and have no need.  But now we are trapped.  Prison if you will....just not behind bars.  I have about four people who really get where I am in my head.  They all encourage me to keep toughing it out and I listen but only with half an ear.  And as for my exit I still have yet to finish tying up all the stuff I need to and maybe I will find the "stuff" keeps me hanging on but I do have plans for finishing the houses and the ways to tie a bow on it all and at that point I guess I'll see how I feel.  But thinking about living past 70 even just the physical limitations much less the grief doesnt appeal to me at all.

To all, I can only hope at this point that something will take me out.  Like Linda and many of the rest of you we ask the universe to take us instead of someone else who wants to live.  Obviously its not listening.  I spend alot of time isolating myself from engaging in life.  I find it less stressful than trying to get out there and immerse myself.  I don't have the energy or the desire or any reason to put myself out there.  That has not changed and I highly doubt no matter how long I continue to live without him that will change.  

I cleaned and polished a picture in a frame of us, one of several I have in the kitchen this morning and just the polishing of the glass had me in tears.  Its' just an endless cycle of waiting.......waiting and missing.  

Comment by Nancy on April 28, 2018 at 9:29am

I'm sorry Linda.  I think the realization that all the plans made for retirement are gone and we are alone is the hardest thing to comprehend.  The majority of my life I had been married.  43 years. To try and adjust to a different life is the hardest thing I've ever faced.  I'm lost really.  Even with others around at the end of each day I'm all alone.  I know from reading your posts it's the same for you.  I don't know how a person "moves on".

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 28, 2018 at 8:50am

Hello All,

May 5 will be five years my dear Husband Julian passed away. I hope I don't have to keep living on an earth that I want to leave. Everyday I pray no to wake up.

 

Comment by Nancy on April 28, 2018 at 8:40am

Thank you Trina.  I appreciate your kind words.  I've had a sister and my little 98 yo mom say things like "you can't hide this by working so much, you have to face it."  Or " it's been a year, you need to move on."   Oh my, that doesn't help.  I know everyone grieves in their own way.   We had 7 months after he was diagnosed and all but the last 2 weeks were spent fighting the disease.  It wasn't until 2 weeks on Hospice that the inevitable was starring me in the face and it was a complete change from the aggressive treatments.  You go from one extreme to the other.  I know for months I was in shock.  You can't even begin to grieve until you process what happened.  I just try to let what my family says roll off my back and continue to do what I am able to survive each day right now.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 28, 2018 at 5:05am

Dear Nancy,

The dreaded first anniversary is coming up soon. I am so very sorry! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on May 10th. In some ways the first anniversary of death is the hardest. They don't really get easier, but still the first one is the hardest, because like you say, for the first time realization sets in. It's heartbreaking. There's nothing more to say.

Sending you love, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 28, 2018 at 4:59am

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that you are continuing to have these dark thoughts. Actually, I do too. Everyday, and several times a day, I wish this were my last day, that I were free of this life. But like Nancy and Elynn I either bury myself in my new hobby--painting--or I email or text (don't usually call folks) someone to take my mind off of the unbearable pain. We are in such a quandary, dilemma, predicament--call you what you will--we were given a "life" sentence. Our life sentence is to live out our natural lives without that ONE person who made live meaningful. Now life is so drab, devoid of meaning and purpose. And everyday is painful beyond belief.

I can relate to you only too well: the urge to end it all, to be freed from this sorry existence. But my dear friend, alas, it is not in our hands (short of taking our own lives) how long we live. I, too, have "given" myself 70 years (I am 57 now, so I still have a loooong ways to go). But when I "give" myself the 70 years I can't help but laugh, as I am only too keenly aware that it is not up to me. Very unlikely, but not impossible, that I could die tomorrow in a car accident or of a heart attack, but more likely given my family health history, I will live to be an old lady of 85 or 90. The thought terrifies me and fills me with anger and the sense that this is injustice, but I comfort myself by saying I don't know when my time will come, it can come very soon for all I know. So another day passes, and I have one less day to live.

So dear morgan, immerse yourself in something that keeps your interest, even if for a little while, or reach out to someone you trust when you feel you can't go on anymore. But please know that you have friends on this forum who care and you can always come here and write to us and we will be here. Life is cruel, the universe is cruel, but what can we do about it?

Courage, my friend, and hang in there! Big hugs, Trina

Comment by Nancy on April 27, 2018 at 10:42pm

All I do is work.  I'm exhausted at the end of each day.  The only time I don't think about things is when I'm working.  The rest of the time it is all I think about.  I play things over and over in my head.  It's coming up one year on May 10.  I think it has only really sunk in in the last few weeks.   I have had 0 signs from him and that has made me lose my last ounce of caring about much of anything.  I hear you Morgan.  I so understand.

Comment by Elynn m on April 27, 2018 at 10:22pm

Morgan,  yes. It is very difficult.  Do you have family near you?  Thank God for your neighbor who was kind enough to visit you  in your time of need.   One thing I've learned through this experience is that when I feel angry and depressed and feel like I'm all alone, the best thing I can do is pick up the phone and call someone (or email them)   that I haven' talked to in quite some time.   I don' have too many friends.  Just a lot of aquaintences.    My husband had a ot of friends.  Sometimes I'll call one of his friends and ask how they are doing.  It gets my mind off of myself , at least for a ittle while.  I end up being encouraged.   Or like you did, come here to this sight and talk to us!!!   But talk!!!!   LOL!

Comment by morgan on April 27, 2018 at 9:50pm

I have to figure a way out of this.  I don't know what I can do to expedite my exit but I cannot continue living, feeling this constant gnawing in my mind because I miss him so much.  I just wont do it. I am 66 and I am determined to not live past 70.  I have enough to do to make sure my affairs are in order before then but my brain has now after five years had to accept the real situation and I will not put up with this.   I cannot and will not live feeling such "missingness". I am angry that I have been left behind to have to make do every day in a world I have no desire to live in.  I will make do only so long.  I am making progress getting things organized and in a place so that when I die I wont have left a mess behind but I am pretty well convinced that I am going to have to find a way out because this just will not do.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 13, 2018 at 9:11am

Hi Joe,

The day when Husband and I got married we became one and will always remain that that read the saying on my tattoo. These are our actual hands taken from our wedding pictures.

 

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