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Comment by Linda Engberg on July 3, 2018 at 4:35pm

Morgan, I feel that people who say you will find joy in your life again, never had a marriage like we had. Julian was my true soulmate. I know that anniversary dates are the worse, his birthday is July 10 so I prepare by having a few more beers than usual to get through the day. What a way to live. people will never ever understand what we are going through.

Comment by morgan on July 3, 2018 at 2:56pm

Linda,  I don't have any sanity left.  i have been doing the same kind of thing as you for the last five years plus.  Working like a crazy person, eating sporadically, sleeping erratically hoping my body will do the same as yours.  Give it up and die.  I am skin and bones and see the decline in my health but apparently its not enough yet.  I guess grief just wants to squeeze every last drop of pain out of me before it allows my exit.  I'm just damn tired of it.  i'm so tired of pushing the ball forward when I have no desire or need to do so.  

Tomorrow we would have celebrated 40 years.....i got 35 of them. I should be grateful and all I can think about is how desperate i am to hold him.  Something that rationally i know is impossible.   But it doesnt stop my brain from running away with my emotions and forcing me to have to interact in a world where I want to be gone.  

And posts like some just make me angry.  Preaching to me about how there is hope and how life is filled with trouble is rubbing salt in my gaping wound.  That some platitudes from the flat earth society are relevant and are the solution that will resurrect my husbands enigma enough for me to find happiness (as though it isn't something I haven't already considered) is the height of conceit.  

I have tried to use this site for bringing me a better understanding of myself by seeing how others are honest about their inability to cope.  That the ability to cope for many who have been told their grief can be "fixed" is an impossible task.  That I am not crazy for feeling so destroyed.  At least I know that you are right there with me and others, trying your best but ending up standing still.  Just like me and many others willing to tell the truth.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 3, 2018 at 6:36am

Hi Morgan,

I keep my sanity by running and working outside in the heat and humidity of Florida, hoping that I will just dehydrate and die.

Comment by morgan on July 2, 2018 at 10:12pm

(continued)... Even though the outside functioning part of me seems better......obviously I am losing some steam of consciousness.....the grief has stayed with me as a physical impairment .....on and off nausea, no clear decision making to eat or sleep, continuing crying unless I am forcing myself to do things to distract myself.....

Bottom line?  I am as sick if not sicker than someone trying to live with a debilitating disease that requires constant medicating.  Problem is my medicating by distracting myself is not working......I really don't know what to do......

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 30, 2018 at 3:35pm

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 30, 2018 at 3:34pm

Comment by JenShep on June 30, 2018 at 10:02am

Morgan, Yes! I keep thinking I’ll find my reason for still existing but it eludes me. And without reason, what is the point of anything? And the exhaustion... it’s worse now than it ever was. I feel like I’m walking through water instead of air and my motivation is non-existent. I’m always forcing myself just to what? Survive? Your post rang so true for me.

Geraldine, I’m so sorry. I know that feeling too when the shock of it all wears off and everyone goes back to their normal lives and you’re still stuck in this nightmare. It feels so unfair. I envy those who still have their lives intact. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 30, 2018 at 8:42am

Hi Geraldine,

I can relate to your comment, it has been 5 years since I lost my Husband and it is true he is forgotten  by others because fir them live goes on except for us.

Morgan, Once again your shared thoughts mirror mine.

God Help Us All

Comment by Geri on June 30, 2018 at 12:42am

Eight weeks tomorrow when the love of my life left me here - not by his choosing. I still cannot sleep, cannot be left on my own, cannot stop crying no matter where I am. Every memory from the first day we met is now so vivid that it is etched in my brain. My every thought starts or ends with him.

Everyone has gone back to their own lives and are forging ahead. I'm stuck just trying to do minute by minute. How can people say 'time' will heal? My heart is shattered and I will never have love like what my husband gave to me. 

Comment by morgan on June 29, 2018 at 11:03pm

Its been another rough patch recently and the longer and further I get away from my husbands death date the harder this seems to be getting.  My thoughts for years were overwhelmingly chaotic.  Nothing made sense.  I had no filter or lens to look at myself.  I was just moving around with no destination.  It made the crying and grief pain uncontrollable.  There was no pushing it down, it just gushed out.  Everywhere and all the time.

Now my grief has become much larger and more relevant to how I live life because I can no longer pretend that I will return to any sort of normalcy.  It may look like I am functioning better and I am in a way.  I am acting out a life I hate.  I distract, I pretend, I suppress, I don't share my feelings, I retreat and I fake it.  A lot.  I push myself to do things so I don't have to feel.  Or maybe sometimes I have to feel others pain so my own seems less.  I just know that now when a memory hits, it comes at me and within minutes I am exhausted,  I can barely raise my arm to reach for a Kleenex which I keep boxes of near me all over the house and car.  Then the result is I am so tired I don't want to do anything and yet I am slipping behind in trying to stay ahead of what I need to do in general.  

Its futility.  Its not having a reason to accomplish anything.  As  much as what I am able to do things when I am not slipping into the memory bank every moment is jeopardy.  I need a reason and I don't have one.  I find that to be the overriding problem I am having.  I just don't have a reason.  For years I thought something would appear in my mirror that would give me reason.  it's not there and by now I am sick of making excuses to others as to why I cant seem to reconstruct my life. I am running low on explaining why I cant live this life.  

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