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Comment by Monty on September 25, 2018 at 5:50pm

Hi Jim

I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering your going though and can only imaging what life is like for you.

I also lost my wife of 25 years in December last year.

I am still pushing though the rut of life in most ways.

i am fortunate in some ways to have two children that need my support on a daily basis.

I also struggled to find something positive to do.

I have found these forums a big help and have and have recently joined a support group for widowers.

i don't know that there is one thing that works for every one. every one is going to have that little thing that makes a big difference.

for me it was the feeling of loneliness, when out of the circle of my wife's and my friends about 2 people kept in contact.

i felt alone and abandoned and angry.

i realised after  talking to my sister that they weren't avoiding me because my wife has died.  They were avoiding me because they didn't know how or were afraid to relate to someone who is in so much pain.

after coming to this conclusion, i didn't feel so isolated and angry. 

I now actively seek my friends out and and try to be the best i can for my self and children.

i also think for me getting out and going for walks, go for a swim when time permits helps me a lot.

It is still a daily struggle to continue to push though, and i think if it wasn't for my kids depending on me, i may roll up in a ball and cry but i cant.

i wish you all the support and best for you in this trying time.

best regards Monty

Comment by Jim Horvath on September 25, 2018 at 2:37pm

My wife and best friend of 33 years died from cancer recently.  We have a daughter.  I just wonder how people find anything happy and positive each day?  I started a journal where I try to write down little things that were good or positive.  I joined a local support group and that has been good too.  I know there is nothing anyone can do or say but what do people do to start feeling good again and keep moving ahead...?

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 13, 2018 at 3:03pm

Hi Joe,

I would have ended my life the day my Husband took his last breath, but the fear of not seeing him again because of my religious upbringing stops me and to this day I pray to God I don't wake up.

Comment by morgan on September 13, 2018 at 12:37pm

Mel,  Too messy. Use it to get your anger out for target shooting but don't leave a mess behind.  I know exactly how you feel.....  We've shared it a million times on here BUT this has to be clean.  

I got some glimmer of explanation from Joe's last post (and thank you Joe).  He said "If we house our spirit and destroy that house, what happens to the spirit?"  He's got a good point.  What if?  What happens?  We have no idea but if we screw it up then what?  And because we cant risk not being reunited then we are sentenced to having to endure the pain of carrying grief.  Linda too in her posting says alot in her clip art.  The last one was poignant.  "the only cure for grief is to grieve."  As horrible as it is , it is the price we pay for loving so much.

No relief necessarily by saying it, but we are all here for something that we cannot understand.  We have found that little string, that tiny thread of what you yourself called hope here in the wave son cyberspace.  I mean what the heck is that!  And yet here we are, caring and talking to each other over the waves of the universe.  .. We need each other to keep honoring the love we had even as we suffer and wish otherwise.  

I love all of you too.......You have been the light that has given me a way to walk through the dark cavern of my mind when the going has gotten way too tough.  Thank you all a million times over.......

Comment by Mel Royer on September 13, 2018 at 11:07am

Since Nancy has passed on, Everyone has always told me, "get out of that house".  Actually, the last thing I wanted to ever do...but at last, I turned the corner and accepted an offer on the house I spent 26 years living in with Nancy. The feeling of separation is palpable. My "Let me die" mode is locked on.   I've always wanted a Sig 2022 in 40 caliber and I just might go buy one.  I am simply too tired to do this any longer.  I love you guys...each and every one of you.  The authors of what little hope I've ever had. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 13, 2018 at 6:40am

Hi Morgan,

My only support going through the most horrible thing that ever happened to me is this forum.

We all understand and I mean really understand how will our suffering knowing we will never be normal again.

I too have decided that when I lose my precious Babie J, I am through attaching myself to anything or anyone, it hurts to bad.

God Bless everyone on this forum for sharing their thoughts. 

 

Comment by morgan on September 12, 2018 at 6:24pm

Its pretty obvious I'm not sick or crazy because if I am those who responded in kind are too.  Its why I come here and unload because I know that I am going to hear from others with the exact same characteristics of carrying our grief through time and it mimics each others.  

Whats obvious is that we have found our lives to be so far from real but then its too real.  Death defines our new vision of life.  The contradictions.  The conflicts. The constant asking why? and not getting any resolution other than we know our love is gone. Forever.  We will never see, hear or hold them again here on this earth.  So why am I staying?  I have no children.  My kitty died 2 years after my husband and I cannot attach myself to anything or anyone else because I cannot stand the hurt, any loss or magnified separation.

Monty,  the world will be fine without me.  I appreciate the sentiment but life goes on as we well know and no one really will miss me like I miss him. 

Alice, knew you would feel the same.  I thought it particularly relevant when you wrote "so I’m in a kind of white mist, and being stabbed with long knives at random moments"  Thats a good analogy.  Mine are still happening daily sometimes more than once......I am tired.

Thanks bluebird......I know you feel the pain.

Nancy, I'm keeping busy too.  Six house remodels in five and half years.  I do alot of the construction.My thoughts are still in disbelief mode too.  How can he be gone?  And where is he?  Have the anger now more than I had, and I've avoided people and crowds when I used to be extroverted.  I've done lots of talking and it helps but not enough.  Nothing is enough and I am just losing all energy.  Definitely the worst thing in my lifetime and I thought I had some other troubles but this is overwhelming.  And thanks,  I know I am amongst kindred souls.

Linda, I already feel the pain you are going to have to withstand when Babie J is no longer with you.  It was excrutiating when I lost our kitty. Its why I cant put my attachment towards anything personal.  I try to care for others animals on a periodic basis but I am no longer able to place myself in that kind of position.  No more loss......

Thanks to each of you for the mental support.  It does help to know tha my feelings are replicated out there......In one way its good to know others had this kind of commitment and love for their beloved.  It is the most important thing one can have and yes, we had it......take care..... 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 12, 2018 at 7:08am

Hi Morgan,

My grief mirrors yours. Every morning I wake up and hate it that I didn't die in my sleep. The only thing that really keeps me going is my sweet dog Babie J, she is slowly nearing the end of her life and I am having to watch her fail just like I did my Husband. I really hate this life. 

Comment by Nancy on September 12, 2018 at 6:23am

Morgan. I too feel your pain.  I keep very busy to avoid the thoughts that overcome me.  When they do it is unbearable and I'm in disbelief that he is gone.  So I get busy again.  It's the only way I'm able to survive after 43 years of marriage and all I've known since I was 20.  My kids are in pain too.  I keep going for them.  But I am not the same for sure  I have a lot of anger now and a short fuse with people.  Don't like crowds or seeing happy couples or hearing about something fun a couple has done or is going to do.  Talking about it helps.  Anything to not have it be my main focus everyday.  I read something about grief maybe on here.  It said your grief doesn't get smaller but rather other things in your mind get bigger around your grief so you always have it but those other distractions allow you to go on.  I hope you talk to someone regularly even if it's on here to see if you can get some relief even if it's just a little each day.  At least that is what I'm trying.  It is by far the worst thing I have ever dealt with and more painful than I could've ever imagined.  Bless you and know you are definitely not alone.

Comment by bluebird on September 11, 2018 at 11:48pm

((((((((((morgan))))))))))

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