Comment

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:23am

Monty,
Thanks for the links……I found the one from Barbara Fane the most pertinent to how I feel after five years 10 months. Alot of the “early” characteristics she describes are still with me years later. I can honestly say that it took me a good four plus years to even feel any sense of reality. This fifth year has been a lot of reflecting on what the other four years were like and without further perspective (more years living this loss) I think I’m not destined to “get better”. I have to accept that this is probably as good as it is going to get and its not great.

“thick soup”….oh yes, constant conflict too……..a war raging in my head. I had a very good job requiring my attention to details and focus. I knew the day of his death I would never be able to continue. Took me six months to train someone to do my job and I never looked back. Like you said, I saw the struggle ahead of me when before I could manage it all very well but no longer. I knew what bomb went off in my head and its never returned to normal.

I’m sorry you will be coming upon the anniversary of your wifes death. I too need to make it through as my husbands terminal cancer was diagnosed on the day after Xmas and we had to wait to hear that after being in the hospital starting Xmas Eve day because all the doctors were busy celebrating. I longer celebrate from when my husband would have cooked our Thanksgivng turkey until his death on Jan 21 just beyond my birthday on the 14th. No, this time of year I just crawl into my hole and try to avoid everything and everybody. Its just easier on everyone else that way. I may or may not emerge in February. Each year it almost seems to get harder not easier to fight the blues while everyone else is wishing on stars. Just find myself withdrawing more and more even during the year. Just tired of keeping up the pretense.

I too can hope all of us have the best day we can.
morgan

Comment by morgan on November 27, 2018 at 11:58pm

Linda,

I am more apt to not try to put a label on what we suffer. I believe that loss begets grief and so the grief is scaled to how much loss we feel according to how we view our commitment. I have had different reactions to loss. I cried when my parents died but because they were older and they had brought us up to be independent I considered their loss as a natural occurrence. A sad one yes, but to be expected. I am eternally grateful for their love and support but the grief mellowed within months and I wnet on with living my life.

The two cats I’ve had and my attachment to them was almost more traumatic. One because of the way it died (sad story) and the other because it was more my husbands cat than mine so when it died two years after him it was another connection lost.

But the loss of my husband. The man who laid down beside me for 35 years. The man who embraced me every night and spent his every moment wanting me (and me him). To lose this visceral tangible feeling has destroyed me. It isn’t complicated for me. Its only complicated for those who don’t know how to handle the new me. For me its very simple. I have no plans to try and convince anyone of the horror of losing my husband. Its impossible to explain it, put a tag on it, find a solution for it. Right now I have to live with it unless I decide not to. That’s not complicated, that’s my life as of now.

Your niece is probably trying to find a way to explain how her loss compares to others in the hopes she will find some way to cope. We all have to. If her marriage was not close she might be feeling that she lost the kind of time you and Julian had. I know for me, that no one can know how I suffer because they don’t know enough about the depth of my love.
I just wish us all less pain while we still have to live life without the person who made it worth living.
morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 27, 2018 at 7:48am

Thanks for sharing Joe & Monty. My Husband still lives in my mind and heart and he will forever until I join him. 

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 7:55pm

Thanks M Adams.

Im glad that you found some of it helpful 

Comment by M Adams on November 26, 2018 at 7:03pm

Monty, those sites are very helpful, thank you for posting them.  The thing about dark thoughts and grief-laden memories flooding in as you try to fall asleep, while the rational parts of your mind power down, is unfortunately an exact description of my current situation. Think I'm going to try some of the strategies mentioned tonight -- these days I need all the help I can get.

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 4:42pm

sorry re double post.

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 4:41pm

Hi Linda

Im sorry to hear about your niece and her loss

  My thoughts on the issue of grief is likely cute different than others, as every ones grief is a very personal process to journey though.

  I would surest that the culmination of her relationship with her partner, family and the situation leading to the death of her husband coupled with her personality and values would be the deciding factor on how GREIF affects her.

  I would i think approaching the her with the same open caring and non judgmental attitude i approach this form and (try in real life with for me is harder). 

  Grief is different for every one as every one is different.

I know its not a direct answer

but its the only one i have.

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 4:41pm

Comment by Monty 11 minutes agoDelete Comment

Hi Linda

Im sorry to hear about your niece and her loss

  My thoughts on the issue of grief is likely cute different than others, as every ones grief is a very personal process to journey though.

  I would surest that the culmination of her relationship with her partner, family and the situation leading to the death of her husband coupled with her personality and values would be the deciding factor on how GREIF affects her.

  I would i think approaching the her with the same open caring and non judgmental attitude i approach this form and (try in real life with for me is harder). 

  Grief is different for every one as every one is different.

I know its not a direct answer

but its the only one i have.

Comment by Monty on November 26, 2018 at 4:12pm

Hi All

as mentioned previously i have been doing a bunch of reflection as the first anniversary of my Wife's death is rapidly approaching ( as is Christmas).

i have been struggling with thinking.  Its like my head is full of thick soup.    at work it takes much more concentration to even do any basic trouble shooting and i miss lots of little things that i would previously picked up straight away.

in short I'm struggling to do my job where i would normally have done it easy.

anyway in researching "brain got and grief" i came up with some sites.  and they pinpoint a lot of my feelings / experiences around my ability to think.

i just thought i would share

https://barbarafane.com/grief-symptoms-how-grief-affects-the-brain/

https://www.prevention.com/health/memory/a20441690/how-your-brain-r...

https://www.neuronation.com/science/when-our-brain-grieving

hope every one is having as awesome day as they can

love and walm wishes to all

regards Monty

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 26, 2018 at 3:16pm

Hi Friends,

I would like to get your input as to what complicated grief is. I have had it for over 6 years but my niece who lost her Husband feels all grief is complicated. I disagree with her because my Husband and I were true soulmates, we shared everything together. I think she is feeling guilty because she was always wrapped up in what she was doing even though they were married. The only thing they did together is when they went on vacation with there kids. I visited them a few years before he died and my niece was never home, I only since her twice in a weeks visit. I would appreciate any comments you might have. Thanks, Linda

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