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Comment by Monty on December 2, 2018 at 4:31pm

Hi Morgan

so sorry to hear that your having such a bad time of it.

have you tried writing a journal (not necessarily of your emotions) but what your doing.

you may find upon reflection that there is something thats happening / hearing / smelling that is triggering emotions.

hope you have the best day possible

thoughts and wishes to all

regards Monty

Comment by morgan on December 2, 2018 at 4:26pm

Having a really tough time right now........really really tough.  I don't know how to move beyond the waves of intense visceral emotion I am having.  I have tried everything......TV, computer, reading, writing, remodeling, shopping, being creative, friends, family, medicine, etc......all that is happening is that I am feeling him and then all I do is have these horrible crying episodes.......it just hurts.......today for whatever reason has been worse.  I always try to figure out why.  Today I needed to just sit and pay bills and I am not out moving around  doing things.  Thing is, I don't know what it is that makes it better or worse.  Guess that is another part of widows brain......then I come here to remind myself that I am not alone in feeling what I am going through.  Thanks to each of you who are honest about your feelings I am able to relate and then I try to analyze how to better what my condition is.  

All I want to do to get through what days I have to live is to isolate myself from everything and just sit and die.  I have been working for almost six years (god, that sounds like such a long time)  to get to the point where I have enough money coming in to pay my bills so I can isolate.  I am almost there.  But the pain of missing him just looms larger.  

Why wont the universe let me go?

Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 12:05pm

Linda,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, though not surprised -- I think it's fairly common.

M Adams,
I'm sorry you are having to suffer through the deaths of two people so close to you. Makes sense to me that even though you were "recovering" somewhat, the second death caused a relapse of those symptoms.
As for writing, I write very, very little. Right after my husband died I felt compelled to write, a rush of raw poems, and even then I felt that that would likely be it, the last I wrote. I was pretty much correct. It's been six years since he died, and maybe three or four times since then have I felt the urge to write and then done so, and even with those poems they are still in first-draft form, I never revised them. It just doesn't matter to me, nothing does.

Comment by Nancy on December 2, 2018 at 12:01pm

Widow brain is real. Factual.  Many good articles on it.  I am better than I was but not where I was before he got sick.  I thought after he passed I was getting Dementia until my physician pointed me to articles on widow brain.   

Comment by M Adams on December 2, 2018 at 11:55am

At this point I can tell that my brain had recovered to some extent from the worst impact of my husband's death two years ago, because many of the symptoms that (sometimes unnoticed) had begun to ease off, bit by bit, returned in full force when my beloved mother died very suddenly in September of this year -- guess it is a positive sign that lack of focus, bad memory, difficulty reading, inability to write, general disinterest, fearfulness, passivity, etc., are not necessarily permanent. Though I hadn't made great progress either, unfortunately.  Now, two months after losing my mother, I think the worst of the returned symptoms are already lessening a little; I can read a magazine article with some attention, for example.   My goal is still to get back to a more normal level of function -- somewhat haunted by the awareness that my husband and my mother, who both loved me so much, would be shocked at my current state.

Bluebird do you find that you're able to write now?  Apart from grocery lists and so on.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 2, 2018 at 7:16am

Hi Bluebird,

I have the same issue you have. I do not function properly. My mind wanders all the time, I must have "widows grief too.

Thanks for sharing, Linda

Comment by bluebird on December 2, 2018 at 2:05am

Monty,

Thanks for posting links to those articles. My brain absolutely does not work as well as it used to; it hasn't worked properly since my husband died. I was/am quite intelligent -- not a genius, to be sure, but definitely bright. I am a poet, I have an MFA, I speak conversational French, I used to work (for over 8 years) as a paralegal in immigration law. 

And none of that matters one goddamned bit, now. It doesn't matter because nothing matters since my husband died, but also it doesn't matter because I really can't access my intelligence the way I used to, I can't utilize it. I simply cannot function properly. I have no focus, no attention span, no ability to handle complex tasks. I've always had a poor short-term memory, and it's gotten exponentially worse since my husband died. I could never do the work, now, that I used to do as a paralegal. I've heard all this referred to as "widow's brain", and it certainly is in my case.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on November 28, 2018 at 8:29am

I understand what you mean.life is not black or white so grief is not black or white.I can't imagin long term life without him.That is why I can't go no more one minute at a time.It is 31 months since I saw my husband.This holiday seaon is very hard for me.I miss him so much.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 28, 2018 at 7:20am

Morgan,

Thank you for giving me your input on the issue with my niece. Now I understand that my grief does not fall into the complicated grief group, as there will never be a new me. I was diagnosed by my doctor and psychiatrist with this type of grief and that is the way I accepted my grief but they were wrong. As time goes by, I find myself drawing myself into isolation. It's just better for me this way. I have accepted that each year my grief will get worse instead of better. I also read your posts to Monty & Joe which opened my eyes to other issues. Again thanks so much for all your posts.

Regards, Linda  

Comment by morgan on November 28, 2018 at 12:40am

Joe,
Me too. I have no desire to be fixed. In fact, I crave crossing to the other side. I listen to videos that make my mind go deep into what “might be” possible, from physics, quantam mechanics and entanglement, to the search for consciousness outside of the mind, IONS, ( the list is long, I have them all bookmarked) so I might ask myself whether living is an absolute necessity. I want to pass through to the other side. I can find many ways to rationalize it. But I’ve always been a naturalist and I guess I keep thinking the universe has got to take me in its own way. So much of the time though it is a fight to not give in. Its pretty easy to understand suicide now.
After this long though I find my sympathetic nervous system is reducing my immune system to a very fragile condition. I had a very strong healthy baseline so degredation is taking time but it seems to be making headway slowly so I can hope that my time is limited.
Never wanted to die ever before but now, now…..its really a practical, pragmatic solution to this pain of loss. I just don’t need to pretend I care. Let everyone have at it……I'm over it.
morgan

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