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Comment by morgan on February 2, 2019 at 9:37pm

How long can I last? It getting harder and harder to pretend that I can live this out.   Pretty much everyone I come in contact with is living in the old universe I used to live in.  Their motivations and desires are what mine used to be.  

I cant fake this all the time.  Its becoming way too hard.  I am drained.  When I hit the wall I am paralyzed.   Energy becomes nonexistent.  Crying to exhaustion.  The aftereffects have me needing rest.  This is not anyone's idea of living.  

Its not like it happens all the time but it is pretty much every other day.  I ask my brain why?  Why cant it just accommodate itself to not being able to have him here with me.  My reason knows that he is dead.  But my heart has died.  Its not like I don't know the reasons and the logic of death.  Its just my emotions wont let me live without him.  Every step I take forward I get dragged back three.  And I've taken many many steps forward but I keep getting drawn back those three.

I'm so tired of fighting my heart.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 1, 2019 at 6:15am

Joe,

Thanks for your great explanation of this prayer. I have said it over and over since losing My Julian in 2013. I know I will never recover and don't want to. I know I can never change. All I want is for God to take me to him.  

Comment by M Adams on January 31, 2019 at 12:49pm

What is the serenity prayer?

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 31, 2019 at 6:12am

Morgan & Jim,

I am so blessed to have this friendship with you both. It keeps me going to know I am not alone in this Hell. I always read the "Serenity Prayer" every morning but I cannot accept the things I cannot change and I never will. 

God Bless you Both, Linda

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 9:11pm

The universe gave you a bit of light today Joe regarding your daughters surgery and I am so glad that for her she has another chance to continue life with her family.  Not having had children I cannot imagine the sense of the burden to desire life for them.  It must be extremely difficult when it looks like it might be another loss for you.  I know I cant handle loss anymore.  I break down.  It doesn't matter whose loss, or what it is, I just cant handle it.  So I am glad it appears she will have more time.  No loss is a relief.

And two parts of your post......yes, I'm not alone in hell, but I don't like the residency nonetheless. and two, I cant find someone to blame either.  And boy, do I wish I could.  That mountain in my room fills a large space along with the other things.  But yes, if only I could find someone to blame.  

All of your post rings true.  We all need to hear how we are not alone in this pain.......

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 7:45pm

Linda,  I too come here because I know that I am understood for my inability to "get better".  I know I have better hours that over the years have increased in length.  I know that I fake it better notwithstanding how much of a fraud I feel like I am.  What I also know is what your poem states very clearly.  I will never get over it.  

I have less of the fog and more of the reality that living is never going to get better and I am really over continuing to push time forward.  I long for the day of my death.  I can hardly wait.  I really hope the universe is not planning on a long drawn out departure.  It has been too long already.  

I have a gay friend living with me who attempted suicide and is trying to reconstruct his life so right now I am concentrating on helping him.  We go back a long way and I want for him to succeed where I fail in wanting to continue life.  I think he has come round to where he wants to live now.  Whether my husband sent him into my path to keep me occupied for now I have no idea.  I just know I feel like I have pretty much done all I wanted to try and if I can feel somewhat assured that he and my affairs are tied up maybe the universe will do me the favor I want.  

I have a hard time imagining that my body can withstand more of the same over too much more time.......

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 30, 2019 at 6:12am

Morgan,

I feel this forum is the only thing keeping us going. Before I joined I had no support from friends and family. I know that they want to help but they just can't understand what I am feeling. It is a hell of a fight everyday. My sweet dog Babie J is a real comfort to me but now she is 14 years old and I have to watch her go downhill just like my Husband. All we can hope for is that we will be taken soon by the Lord. I know I posted this before but I have it about my computer and look at all the time

Comment by morgan on January 30, 2019 at 1:35am

So angry......so so angry that I am being forced to live.  I hate having to keep pushing myself to pretend like I give a damn.  I really can't be of much support to anyone here because I am getting so pissed that we are all being put through the wringer.  I read about Joe and his daughter and his pain, and Nancy and Bluebird and Linda and Trina and Michael and John T and Maxey and Pamela and everyone who has still not been able to reconstruct a decent life after the death of their spouse.  How the heck are we supposed to do this?????

I reach out time and again still thinking that something that someone says is going to flip the switch and I am going to gain some providential insight so I can get something out of the daily grind.  And nothing......its just one day after another of missing him.  Wanting him to come get me because i know full well he's not coming back here so my only real chance of being together is somewhere else.  Begging for release from this life......and still nothing......no peace, no rest......just anger and sadness....

How are any of us supposed to do this?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on January 29, 2019 at 10:34am

Joe,
I am so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I am sending prayers for her healing and for your strength. Hang in there!
Peace, Trina

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 29, 2019 at 6:11am

Joe,

I will say a prayer for your daughter and you that everything turns out ok.

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