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Comment by morgan on March 3, 2019 at 7:37pm

Oh yes, Lisa.....the guilt.   The power of thinking that somehow we could have changed the outcome "if only".  Or that we are supposed to punish ourselves because that way we can feel better about the loss.  That something we hold so secure and sacred should have been ours to protect forever and how can we rationalize that we are no longer the protectors?
 This is a place where each and every one of us has asked your question and a million others.  Pretty sure you have also visited some of those other questions.  The problem is there are no answers.  Our love took those answers with them.  Joe has probably had one of the better experiences (his OBE) to assure us that there is hope for some kind of redemption/explanation but it requires us to wait.  That is our burden, our pain, our purgatory.  
There isn't one of us who come here on a regular basis, whether ew post often or not, that has found a way to get over this.  We move the pain around alot.  We share here to help each other get through the worst of times and support when we just read so we know we aren't crazy or that somehow we are supposed to "get over" it.  
I found my husband on the floor on the morning we were supposed to go for the first visit to the oncologist as to whether he was a candidate for chemo/radiation.  I thought I needed to shower and get ready and by the time I finished and I went to get ready to go he had fallen off the toilet and the doctors said his vagus nerve had him black out.  To this day I try to forgive myself for not being there for him.  I have not found a way to forgive myself but I push it away the best I can and hope that my own time comes soon.  It’s been a very long six years.  Reflecting on the time that has passed has been even more brutal as to how I manage to stay afloat but I try to keep on trying.
I read here every day and I post when I can or when I have to because I am falling apart.  Everyone here understands the depth of the hole we have fallen into and how impossible every day is to survive.  Most of us don't want to survive but most of us for reasons we hold to will wait for our natural end.  I will admit I am not sure how much I am willing to endure and if it wasn't for one good friend who keeps me going I'm not sure I would still be here.  
As Joe suggests...try to find that someone.  And come here. You are in the earliest of times of your raw grief and right now you can only manage baby steps. Small steps to try and cope with all the feelings. In the beginning I was lucky to get a shower and something to eat on any kind of regular basis even while I was having to sell our home and keep working at my full time job. I won’t go into what I have learned and what has transpired for the six years I have been attempting to deal with the loss of my beloved but just know you will find the best of support when all else seems to escape you right here. We are the family you would never have imagined you might need. But we are here……..take care the best you can.

Comment by Monty on March 3, 2019 at 7:13pm

Hi Lisa

I'm so sorry for your loss and that pain you're going through. I could only imagine how you may feel.

guilt and self-blame can be such a horrible emotion to deal with, it has the propensity to eat a person up from the inside.

My personal view is as you mentioned in your post that you didn't notice the text till later. I would not blame yourself for.

I too was away when my wife first fell ill (work conference).

I decided that had I been there the likely hood of the situation being much different was rather small.  and the impact of beating my self up over not being there when she first fell ill would be immense on me and my children.

my opinion is that coping with grief is such an overwhelming situation that I should NOT make it harder on myself than it is already.

every person is different and every situation is different.

I wish you all the best 

please have the best day you can.

Kind Regards Monty

Comment by Monty on March 3, 2019 at 7:09pm

Hi Joe, Linda and Bluebird

thanks for the info re Benadryl.  Unfortunately, I've not had the success with it that some of you have experienced.

I've been trying the Benadryl for a few days now and unfortunately, it doesn't seem to help me much. I still wake up early morning most days 2-4 am

the only thing that seems to work for me is exhaustion.

if I go do some strenuous exercises it wears me out for about 2 days generally that night I sleep well and the next night not to bad.

although I am tired as during the day due to the heavy exercising.

I going to continue trying that and see if my body gets used to heavy exercising again.

regards Monty

Comment by Lisa on March 3, 2019 at 11:10am

Hi my name is Lisa, I lost my husband suddenly in september in the home we shared. I was at work at the time, he texted me, called and called again and left a message to come home as he was sick!...I didn’t see the messages for probably about 20 mins later ( wasn’t doing anything important at work I recall) by the time I got home he was unconscious and responders couldn’t bring him back!!...I am full of guilt, he didn’t ask for helping much and the time he did I failed him. How does one get over that if ever?...I have been told not my fault and to forgive myself but having troubles

Comment by bluebird on March 1, 2019 at 3:50pm

Linda,
I agree. Maybe if my husband visited me to let me know BEYOND DOUBT that he still exists and is still himself and that we WILL be together again -- I might get a good night's sleep if that happened.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 1, 2019 at 8:43am

Hi Bluebird,

It;s been six years for me too. I take 50MG of Elavil and still haven't really had a good's night sleep yet and don't think I ever will until I die,

Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 27, 2019 at 2:18pm

Hello Joe,

Hope you are okay, and thanks for mentioning me in your message. As you so correctly point out, we are family here on this site; we care about each other, provide emotional support and try to lift up one another as best as we can. Had it not been for this site of likeminded people who have become like family, I would have not be able to keep my sanity and feel like that I am still connected.

I come to this site very often, especially if is there is a new post. Reading your thoughts and feelings and learning about your daily struggles to stay afloat brings me the strength and courage that I need to carry on each new day.

I think all of us on this forum is only all too familiar about how it feels to open your eyes first thing in the morning knowing that this is another new day that needs to be lived through, and to do it without meltdowns or extreme feelings of despair or pain. Each of us make our journey through the day (reminds me of the title of the play "Long Day's Journey into Night") without the love of our life next to us as best as we can. But Joseph is always next to me, he lives inside of me, and I feel his guiding presence as I negotiate my day, my week, and my pointless life through this harrowing solo journey that I have been placed on against my will.

What I find most painful now is that I have to continue to live in this horrible world that is full of hate and torn by suffering, poverty, and war. It's all so very ugly, and I am having to go on living without my darling Joseph! My life with Joseph was filled with light, love, positivity, and goodwill. It was so wonderful! But now wherever I look, on TV, on social media, it seems that people thrive on hate and negativity. How horrible it all is!

But thank goodness for you all, who take the time to come here to commiserate and bring comfort to the family we have built here. When I visit this forum, at least for a few minutes I can ignore the ugliness that is out there because it tells me that there are still good people out there. Thank you, one and all, for trying to make life a little more tolerable for us and a little less despondent by sharing your thoughts and feelings, by reaching out to us and giving us a community to come to in our time of need. Thank you!

Be well, all of you. Peace and hugs, Trina

Comment by bluebird on February 26, 2019 at 8:14pm

I've taken two Benadryl almost every night since my husband died over six years ago, except for the extra-bad nights, when I've taken a sleeping pill instead. I still get shitty sleep -- I wake up often, wake up early, and am never rested -- but at least I'm able to get some sleep that way.

Comment by Elynn m on February 26, 2019 at 6:04pm

I miss my JOE today, as I often do.   He was always the strength of our marriage.   He was God's gift to me.   I was blessed to have Joe as "the love of my life" for 41 years, then Jesus took him home.  Yes, I am sad, lonely, miss him,....and always wish that I would have died first, but that wasn't God's plan.   Everyone has a purpose and is special in God's eyes.    The sooner I fulfill that purpose, the sooner I get to go home!!!   ( I'll only know what God wants me to do by staying close to Him.)

Comment by Monty on February 26, 2019 at 4:55pm

thanks Joe

ill give it a go

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