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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 13, 2019 at 6:24am

Hello Friends,

Again you all have posted the same thoughts that I have. My sweet little dog Babie J keeps me alive. I am only staying alive for her now. She is 14 years and is my rock right now. I have decided when she goes over the rainbow bridge I will end everything medically. I am in good physical health but the mental part is very sick. I do have medicare and will cease my co-pay and will also stop my prescription pills and just keep hoping I will end this Hellon earth. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 12, 2019 at 8:04pm

Joe,

Thank you for responding to me and more so for sharing the bit about glaucoma. Soon after Joseph died, I had gone for a prescription for eye glasses and was told by the ophthalmologist after he ran tests that I was a high risk person for glaucoma (one of my aunts is blind). I was terrified by the news especially as Joseph had passed recently and the last thing I wanted was to face was life with blindness to add to my utter misery. So again, thank you for your reassuring words: that you were diagnosed with glaucoma forty years ago and your vision is still okay. What a relief!

After Joseph's passing I had been praying constantly for my own death, so when I got the glaucoma diagnosis, being a person of faith, I took it as a sign-- a punishment so to speak--for praying for my own death. I took it as a sign saying that if I think this is bad without Joseph, then it can get even worse, that not only will I not die soon, but I will live for another 20-30 years with blindness. I still pray for my death, but to that I have added that however long I may have to live, whether it is one more year, or twenty more years, please may it be that I have all my mental and physical faculties intact. It's all so complicated...

Best regards, Trina

Comment by bluebird on March 12, 2019 at 7:56pm

morgan,
I understand. I do worry that perhaps there is no afterlife, but ceasing to exist altogether would still be better than this life, for me. I just hope that whatever kills me is quick and painless. I do worry about my family, though, as I know my death will hurt them.

Comment by morgan on March 12, 2019 at 7:45pm

Bluebird, I remember reading about "broken heart" syndrome and wishing that I too would succumb.  Instead here I am today still wishing ANYTHING would take me to the other universe and hoping it is quick, painless and soon.  But then it doesn't seem the universe is paying any attention.  I don't know why.  I plead with it pretty much daily.  As days pass I am discouraged that I am not yet a casualty of something but I keep hoping.  Its pretty much the only thing that really matters........my own death.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 12, 2019 at 3:42pm

Hi Joe,

Hope everything works out for you as you wish and hope they will for yourself. I'm sending prayers so that you are comfortable--physically and emotionally--as you go through your decision not to get treatment.

I, too, have not seen a doctor (I get dental care and see an eye doctor  as I have a family history of glaucoma) since Joseph died, and like you, I wish to live out my natural life naturally, without medical intervention to extend my life should I be diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I wish you peace and also sending thoughts of peace to your family.

Best wishes, Trina

Comment by bluebird on March 12, 2019 at 1:39pm

morgan,
I thought and hoped that broken heart syndrome would kill me quickly, too. My heart was and is broken, so why didn't it??

Comment by morgan on March 12, 2019 at 12:55pm

Joe,  Its stress related for sure.  
I have found over the years that the "shell shock" of the trauma induced event of my spouse dying has done a number on my immune system.  I was a a yoga, holistic-balanced, strong, individual before Jan 21, 2013.  At the six month mark I started smelling burning wires.  I am sure it was my neural fiber network burning.  After several months that stopped.  At about the year mark I started getting terrible pains in my right knee where I could barely step on the gas pedal without excruciating pain.  Walking became so difficult I need up on crutches.  A PCP diagnosed it as bursitis.  When it finally got to the point where I said I needed to really get a scan turns out I have been diagnosed with extensive rheumatoid arthritis.  Another result of the compromised immune system.  At the six-year mark (or thereabouts) it has now moved into my hips particularly the left one where it is becoming impossible to sleep without the constant waking to the pain.  Sleeping on my side or back does not seem to make a difference.  Weirdly the pain in my knee has diminished quite a bit but will flare at times.  I lost 30 pounds right after my husband died and now sit at around 105 pounds.  I never gained it back and I have learned to eat at least one decent meal a day.  But the GERD and reflux plague me at times.
All of which is to say there is nothing wrong with me.  I am experiencing the backlash of the trauma that my brain is still valiantly trying to wrap its head around while deep down inside I know it will never be solved.  Not until I die and rejoin the spirit of my husband.  
I have conversations daily with different people, too few who can understand the depth of what this kind of shock can dispense.  I know full well that their solutions will not be the cure for my current state.  I have had a connection with the only energy that made this earthly life purposeful.  I know the solution and I only abide what I have to do now because my physical body has yet to give up.  I am still not sure whether I might try to beat it to the punch as there are meltdowns that still happen on a regular enough basis for me to desire an end to this kind of suffering.  Nothing compares.  But for now, we can all hope that the universe sees fit for us to travel to the next level sooner.  Seems really strange to say to someone I don't even know that I hope your physical test results come back with a terminal diagnosis but I have the feeling you're not going to be that lucky.  But I can wish it for you.  I do for myself daily.......I thought for sure back in the early years that I was a perfect candidate for "broken heart" syndrome as I googled that way back when.  Too bad it never took me.  I think I was still too physically fit for it to grab hold.  I still keep wondering what I can do to hasten the process even with all the issues I have begun to have because it just doesn’t seem to be enough just yet….but I can keep hoping.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 12, 2019 at 6:00am

Hi Joe,

I haven't seen a doctor for the last 12 years and I never will. If I get a disease I will not treat it. My friends think I am crazy but they do not know what I have been and still are going through. My life is mine and not theirs.  

Comment by Monty on March 11, 2019 at 8:56pm

Hi Joe

I hope all geos they way you wish.

best of luck

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 5, 2019 at 1:13pm

Hi Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss Just wanted to let you know that I am part of our group and it is the best support I ever had since losing my Husband, Julian 5/13. I don't know what I would had done without these Angels of God.

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