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Comment by Monty on March 17, 2019 at 4:53pm

hi all

Joe.  I hope today is better than the other day.

Marita. I to am still putting on a smiley face and trying to not feel too much as feeling anything makes me sad and cry.

I've been trying to look at getting involved with a social group.

I wish to find a way to be happier if for nothing else but to show my children that it's possible to be happy after losing a loved one.

unfortunately, even if I wanted to get into a social group I would need to employ sitters for the children or take them with me.

I am trying to be involved in a social group, but it's hard.

hard to keep the smiley face on

hard to find time and energy to get out and be involved.

life is just hard.

my aunty died on Tuesday.

I wished to attend the funeral to support my uncle and my cousins.

unfortunately between work the children and the travel costs and time I am unable to.

I feel bad that I will not be able to be there for him as a fellow widower but as there seems to be this gigantic rift after my mothers and fathers divorce I feel going and not being welcome would just make me angry.

life seems so messed up

I'm sorry for dumping in here, but even my parents believe that I should move on.

it's so sad that I can talk openly about this grief and my feelings when my family can't hear it.

and thanks for being able to hear it.

I wish everyone has the best day they can

 

Regards Monty

 

Comment by Marita on March 17, 2019 at 3:05pm

When your ‘life force’ is taken away from you there is no will to go on.  It will be 5 years for me soon and many people think my grief has subsided as I seem to be functioning better, but as I said earlier we just become more adept at hiding it. It takes so much energy and effort to wear this mask that I find it easier to isolate myself and, like Alice, I don’t have closeness to anyone. I will never be the person I used to be - grief has stolen that from me. That person staring back at me in the mirror is unrecognizable.  As Morgan perceptibly says grief is “a ripping apart of a quantum soul.”  So I wake up each day dreading my existence, yet thankful that it’s another day closer to my end.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 17, 2019 at 6:34am

Hello Friend's,

Big Deal, It's St. Patrick's Day. All is does to me is relieve my Husband's death. In 2013 he passed away 2 months after St. Patrick's Day. We did go out to dinner together put he was in so much pain we had to leave the restaurant. I hate the f _ _ _ _ _ g cancer that took him. I have attached two pictures one year before his death he was a vibrant man and 1 year later this devil's disease wasted his body to nothing. 

Comment by morgan on March 16, 2019 at 10:34pm

Marita,

Yes, we all pretty much have found that grief is not a bump on the head.  It is a ripping apart of a quantum soul.  For me it has become an all encompassing desire to plead with the universe to take me.  I do it as I have now managed to function a bit better in everyday life but the sooner I can escape this drudgery the better.  I just don't need anything more.  I know lots of people think life is so precious and at one time so did I.  Now its just a ball and chain. Never thought I could feel this way but its truth.  And I so empathize when I see others who are having a hard time with it all.  Mainly because I know my own meltdowns are not too far off in the future.  They hit when they damn well please.  I've just gotten better at recognizing/admitting that this is how things are and going to be.  Doesn't matter that others don't see it that way.  It's only because my husband is gone and I think he wants me with him.  The question is.......how do I get there?  

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 16, 2019 at 6:05am

Hi Joe,

Same as you if I am not posting anymore God has finally taken me. It will be a joyous day.

Comment by Marita on March 15, 2019 at 3:49pm

Hi Joe,

My heart ached for you when I read of your breakdown day.  We feel your intense pain and heartache.  Over time we become so adept at carrying our grief, stuffing it and hiding it.  Yet so many times we become so overwhelmed by it that the dam breaks and the tears flow everywhere. Every breath, every heart beat without the love of our life hurts. This ever present ache will be our companion until our last breath. I hope today is a better one for you.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 15, 2019 at 5:44am

Hi Joe,

So sorry to hear about your day. My doctor was the same way with me when I had a breakdown, he could have cared less. Thank God for our friends here who truly understand.

Comment by Monty on March 14, 2019 at 5:22pm

Hi Joe

so sorry that your day is worse that usual. hope it gets better (less bad).

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 14, 2019 at 4:56pm

Joe, So sorry to hear that you are having an extraordinarily bad day... This is the life for us after we are left here in this world without the love of our life beside us.

Comment by bluebird on March 14, 2019 at 3:19pm

"I usually feel like I'm in hell but on days like this, hell must have a basement cause that's where I'm at right now. "

Very well said, an unfortunately so true. I think we've all been there, or are there.

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