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Comment by morgan on March 19, 2019 at 11:08pm

I am so grateful that each of you share what you are doing and how you are dealing with your loss at whatever stage in months or years.  In the past I never had to worry about looking for company for misery.  I wasn't miserable.  Now I find I need to hear that I am not alone in my misery as I crawl through the hours that make up a day which extend to a month and total a year.  Just to know what you are feeling helps because so much of the time I have felt the exact same way.  

Although I have to admit I don't think I could do something as energetic as 26 mile runs.  Wow, Linda, that is amazing.  I mean how do you manage to breathe?  I have lost so much of my physical abilities.  You should be very proud that you are able to do it for Julian. I bet he is breathing for you!!

Trina.....as usual we feel much the same.  I can absolutely feel how you wanted to just disappear for the 15th and it was very kind of you to meet with the student of Joseph but I know exactly what you felt when you said it took you days to recover because of the amount of energy it took to do it.  I SO get that.  You hit the nail on the head.  At this point in our time without our loves we get better at functioning but the energy it takes to do everything much less something where you have to grin and bear it to bring some "normalcy" to engaging with someone who knew him.......oh dear, how hard that must have been.   I ran into an old friend of my husband about a month ago and he had no idea my love had died and he was so shocked and I just collapsed.  I barely made it into my friends car and I just melted.  I can imagine how difficult it was to stay focused during the time with Josephs student and there is every reason for it to take days to recover.  It took everything you had....bravo to you and I hope you are getting some of that energy back.  

Marita, like you I have a terrible time doing anything that remotely has a connection to what we did together.  I just can't handle it.  I have just given up pushing myself too hard and have to be ok with it.  The things I have to do I force myself but if I know I have a choice and it wont make much difference I decline to do it.  On looking back I see I was trying to present myself as being able to do things because others needed to see me as the "old" me.  Now I just consider that their problem not mine and I am working towards being able to be a full time hermit. 

I think overall I am just angry I am being put through this.  I never wanted to live alone and I am certainly never going to be with another man and though right now I have a friend staying with me who just needed a place to get through for awhile, I feel alone.  Its not that my husband chose to leave me alone.  I'm not angry at him.  I'm mad that the universe sees fit to keep me behind.  I want to be where he is and even if he isn't there its got to be better than this painful daily burden we all carry here.  

Monty, you are very kind.....and have more patience than me.  I guess part of that might be because of your boys but you are always wishing the rest of us well.  I want that too, I just don't think to always say it and you do.  Its a truly kind way of thinking......I think everyone here has similar feelings its just you say it.......thank you.....Each of us seems to help carry the weight of the rest of us and each of us has a different way to reach out......so in that vein, take care the best you can.......

And here we have three new people joining the website looking for advice and help......Its just so hard to keep up with the emotions that result from each of our situations.......I would have no way to write to everyone but I do hope they find nuggets of help by reading....its pretty much all we've got.

Comment by Marita on March 19, 2019 at 6:06pm

Trina,

Thanks for your encouraging words.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 19, 2019 at 5:43pm

Morgan,

What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule:

"My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up hitting a trigger early and cry.  If I go slow I can try to avoid the crying at least until I hit something later in the day."

I can't go to bed earlier than 2 or 3 AM, and finally when I wake up around noon, I am in a zombie-like stupor, not wanting to face this grey and cheerless world without my darling Joseph. Everyday it is awful.

The Ides of March--March 15th--was Joseph's birthday. I had planned to stay hidden under the covers all day, but a former student of Joseph and mine emailed me out of the blue on the 14th and said she was coming into town the next day and would I please meet up with her as she remembers Joseph and me fondly to this day.

I took this as a sign from Joseph for me to go out and to have a bearable day on his birthday. I took the student to dinner and it was a bittersweet evening for the two of us reminiscing about Joseph, the classes he taught and the impact he made on many young lives. The student was so sweet and understanding; very mature way beyond her years. I made it through the day without a major breakdown. But it is taking me three-four days now to recuperate from the enormous effort I put to be brave on Joseph's birthday. Such is life for us: having to make it day after day and waiting for that day when it will all be finally over and we can be free of this pain and suffering, and meet up with our beloved soulmate.

Morgan, be well, and please know I am sending you good, healing thoughts. 

Hugs, Trina 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 19, 2019 at 5:26pm

Hi Marita, 

I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again. So who knows, perhaps before too long you, too, will be doing charity runs to honor the memory of your beloved husband. Hugs, Trina

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 19, 2019 at 5:22pm

Linda,

This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! 

Comment by Marita on March 19, 2019 at 4:35pm

Linda,

That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too emotionally painful so I quit. I have started running a little in the past month so will see where that takes me.

Comment by Monty on March 19, 2019 at 4:26pm

Hi Morgan 

thanks vor you very kind words.  my boys are biologically adult but through their disability, they are about early teenagers intellectually with some physical disabilities as well.

they are good boys and they are improving them as I challenge them to improve their life skills.

the widower's group that I go to is very good and have gotten some great advice and support from them.

Hey, Joe

thanks for your kind words.

we all find we do what we must.  for me I've grown up with the boys so for me it's just life. 

I can understand only doing what you need to do, I end up watching too much Netflix when I have done what I absolutely needed to for the day.

sharing here really does help.

thanks to all 

have the best day you can

Comment by Monty on March 19, 2019 at 4:05pm

Wow, Linda.

that is fantastic.   I don't think I could run 5 meters

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 19, 2019 at 3:11pm

Hi All,

This is now I cope with the loss of MY BELOVED HUSBAND AND SOULMATE JULIAN. I run marathons in his honor, it keeps me going. I ran 26.2 miles in his memory at 65.

Comment by morgan on March 18, 2019 at 9:50pm

I am finding it so hard to keep motivated.  I have tons I need to do to keep afloat and try to honor the legacy of my husband and yet all I seem able to do is push myself, force myself.......constantly. Its the putting on the mask and pretending like I give a damn about doing what I see ahead of me.  I feel like such a fraud.  Not because I am masking my true feelings as much as I just hate having to keep going forward.  If I say to someone how happy I would be to exit they look at me like I'm crazy.  

Why is this so intolerable?  Why can't I find anything to grab ahold of and be able to find some peace for my soul?  As I write this tonight I am having another rough time.  Just the same old struggle of feeling so alone.  Of wanting to have my husband be more than the picture in the frame.  Of knowing I don't really feel there is anything to keep me pursuing more time when time is a palette of cement blocks I have to keep dragging around.  

And yes Marita, I do dread my existence and yes, the only good thing is that It is one day closer to my own death, one way or another. 

Monty,  I feel for you.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to do this with children.  I want it to be easier for you than me because your children need your guidance. It sounds like they are younger.  I hope you can find a local group to help share some of the burden you carry.  Or something somehow that includes your children.  Not ever being a parent I cant think of what that would be but I can wish that you find an outlet.  And we are always here for each of us.....

Joe,  eating and sleeping are two of the routines which become relevant only when either become absolutely necessary.  I remember when my habits when my husband was alive were at least pretty regular.  After his death it took me a good five years to get to the point where I make a halfway decent dinner.  And sleeping is still very erratic.  I know a lot of people on here take stuff to help them sleep.  My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up hitting a trigger early and cry.  If I go slow I can try to avoid the crying at least until I hit something later in the day.  

The scary part is because you cant imagine feeling so crappy for years......welcome to the club.  And I mean that in the most compassionate way.........

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