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Comment by Joe Kelly on March 31, 2019 at 9:23am

Linda, it could be my computer.  I let Windows and Firefox and McAfee install updates.  Something must be clashing with something.  If it's working for you, then it's not this web site so I don't think Ninja can help.  I just won't post as many pics I guess or if I do, won't expect to see them.  Thank you all for your compliments.  She was the sweetest and so pretty all of her life.  This is a little morbid, but she was beautiful when she took her last breath and beautiful in her casket.

Morgan, it's a Catch 22.  I've been up for two hours and already broke down twice and know it won't be the last time today that it will happen.  The first was when I first woke up.  I had a dream that we were exchanging something for something else.  Kind of like giving a man money for something like chips.  When she gave him whatever it was, he put it in his pocket and was about to walk away.  I said you have to give her what ever it was he was suppose to give her.  He acknowledged that and reached into his pocket.  That was it though and I woke up.  That made me think about the time she acknowledged that she was going to die.  She said "I'm being gyp't". 

There is no pep talk.  There is no therapy.  Not for what we have.  Yes, there are times here and there about am I pretending?  They are fleeting though and very short because I immediately go back to my experience so many years ago and I know what happened.  That doesn't help the pain of Her not being here though.  It only gives me hope and faith.  That too doesn't stop the anguish living in this nightmare all day everyday.  Even the small distractions aren't enough.  That's when I'm pretending but even with that, it's still there.  She's not here with me physically.  I know She can't ever be here with me that way, and that I can only go to Her.  No one and nothing can inflict a greater torture on me than I feel all my waking and sometimes my sleeping moments.  The hope is that it's soon, and the faith is that it will happen someday. 

When I think about my body, it's a different entity.  Every cell, even cancer cells, viruses, infection, etc. strive to survive.  They will fight off anything that tries to destroy it.  Yes, our immune system can be modified with vaccines to fight back, many work and many don't.  It's when those cells that harm our bodies win out and destroy us.  Even after we're dead, they keep going on trying to survive, feeding on us till there is nothing left to feed on and then they die.  

That's why the only defense I have is to let nature take it's course.  I don't know for how long I will suffer, but suffer I will till I go to Her.  She's depending on me to see it through I think.  I will not relent and hurry it up because it might not only bring eternal suffering to myself, but more importantly bring Her eternal suffering. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 31, 2019 at 6:52am

Hi Joe,

I do see the picture of your wife. She is a very pretty. When I post my pictures I do see them before I post. I didn't do anything special, maybe it is your computer. 

Morgan, I am right there with you on your thoughts. Why do I have to stay on this earth when all I want to do is be with my Julian.

Comment by morgan on March 31, 2019 at 12:17am

And Joe,  I see the sweetest, prettiest little girl at her First Communion.  And now where is she?  Damn, I hate loss.........

Comment by morgan on March 31, 2019 at 12:15am

i'm not going to do this.  i'm not going to make it.  i cannot live without him.  i want out.  i just had another meltdown.  

Then I read the latest posts and I too don't want to let my husband down but I seriously question how much more of this i can take.  My neural network is fried.  Th suffering doesn't stop.  And he is not here and I don't know why i am.   

I need more than a pep talk.  I need more than retail therapy.  I need more than to pretend.  I need more than the constant chatter of tv or computer to distract me.  I need him and he's gone.  He's never going to be in my life here again.   Yes, there's a huge risk to end it but I am dying inside.  

Comment by M Adams on March 30, 2019 at 10:47pm

I see the communion photo, and a while back there were multiple copies of the adult one of your wife that you posted, but after a while, maybe a day or so after that posting, only one image remained.  Did Ninja have any guidance on why you don’t see your own posted pix?  

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 5:15pm

Well, I don't see it.  Do any of you?  Linda, you post a lot of pics.  Do you see your pics when you post them?

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 5:14pm

I want to do a pic test here now to see what happens.  I didn't make any changer to settings since rejoining and they look to be at the defaults.  In the beginning, I was able to see the pics I posted along with you guys seeing them.  Hope it works.  I have pics of her since about age 2 till days before I lost her.  This was her 1st Communion:

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 30, 2019 at 3:39pm

Hi Joe,

I feel the same thoughts that you do. I will let nature take it's course and I will not seek medical intervention to keep me longer on this earth. I would take my life in a minute if it wasn't for my religious belief that I will not join him in Heaven. I will take whatever is dished out to me.

Comment by Joe Kelly on March 30, 2019 at 9:51am

Very few had what we had and that's why they don't understand.  Even professionals can't unless they had what we had.  True total love with the one we spent basically our entire life with.  Being together every day of that life.  I was 16 years old when started our lives together and lost Her when I was 67 years old.  I know nothing else but life with Her.  We were each other's universe.  I died when She died.  I have to go where She went with hope of eternal joy of being reunited with Her.  That's all I want and I hope it's soon.  Like now.  She never relented in Her unconditional love for me and I will never relent in wanting to be reunited with Her to adore Her for all eternity.  I will suffer for as long as it takes because there must be a reason for it.  I could end it all but would that be for Her, or would it be for Me to end my suffering?  I know that answer.  It would be for me to end my suffering with a hope of getting to Her sooner than going naturally.  Somehow, I think of that as being selfish.  That the prize of Eternal Joy Reunited with Her isn't worth all the suffering I must face until nature takes it's course.  Is there something that interfering with nature changes the outcome of fate?  I can't and won't take that chance.  That said, there's nothing I have to do to let stop nature from taking it's course though, like seeking medical technology to prolong my life.  In a way, for me, that is an opposite of letting nature taking it's course.  Nature took it's course with Her even though we sought what was suppose to be world class medical intervention.  All it actually did was cause Her a little more suffering than she would had without it, and actually hastened Her death.  Of course, if She was here, I would, for the sake of not leaving Her, gone the same route.  She wanted to fight to stay with me and I wanted Her to win and stay with me.  We lost, but I know what to do now.  Just let nature take it's course.  I have to suffer and hang on to hope.  That hope is reinforced by my OBE of years ago.  Actually, I never shared this here but it was studied and published in NDERF.  We just have to keep the faith so to speak and try to concentrate on the joy to come.  It hurts so bad, I know.  Everyday is like the same day over and over again.  I won't have it any other way though.  I won't relent.  I love Her too much to let Her down.

Joe   

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 30, 2019 at 7:26am

Hi Marita,

I am like you. I no longer share my thoughts with my family or friends. As you  said, they feel I am morbid because I want to die.  Thank God for this forum.   

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