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Comment by Richard G on May 23, 2015 at 10:54pm

Hi Morgan

That is a long time. Have you tried any professional consolers? I used professional help to get me through the grief of my first wife. It is not uncommon for people to get stuck in grief but when it happens it usually takes outside professional help to get better. I wish you only the best.

Comment by Mark on May 23, 2015 at 10:28pm

Hi Morgan, I am sorry you have fallen back into the abyss.  Most days I spend pushing through them like a drone.  Moving and doing what is expected of me, filling the squares required by the tragic loss.  Those are the worst.

But, I have also  tried doing new things, I gave up caffeine and started eating sushi.  Not major life accomplishments, but a little helpful.  Getting off the caffeine I think has at least lessened some of the anxiety.  And the sushi was just to go to somewhere I never went with my wife, a step down the new road that doesn't hurt.

I try to write on my blog once a day, I don't think it will win any Pulitzer prize but it occupies my mind, trying to organize my thoughts on virtual  paper at least starts to arrange them in my head.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely still a mess.  But there have been some changes.  I know I want to get through this, I want to feel good again.

I miss Cheryl dearly, but she is gone and I continue into the future.  And I want to love and be loved again, Cheryl would understand.   I want to be needed and have reliable loving partner.   And I have to get better to accomplish these goals.  I don't have a timeline for this occurring,  but I know it's possible.  There are 7 billion humans on this planet, I refuse to believe that I am unlovable and unattractive to all of them.   It will not happen tomorrow or the next day but it will.

I took my son to the Pirates Baseball game today, I splurged, we had great seats behind home plate, I call them the TV seats because if you watch the broadcast our mugs were quite prominent.  It was a sellout crowd, 38,000 people.  Surrounded by so much humanity felt good, and I was able to enjoy probably 80% of the game.  It did not suck.  

I have a BBC science show on the background called, "The Human Universe", hosted by physicist Brian Cox.  The show attempts to explain how we came to be, the nature of our existence, and where we are going.  I like science shows.  The final scene is from the international space station.  One of the Astronauts receives a letter addressed to Grandpa.  He takes it to the The Cupola, an ESA-built observatory module with large windows and a spectacular view.  He opens the letter, and inside are two papers with hand prints from his new grandchild.  And he puts them in the windows with the entire Earth as the background, and chokes up.  It was quite poignant.  We as individuals have suffered terrible losses, but we still need people, it's coded into us as a species.  We are part of the humanity inhabiting this planet and we need to embrace it again to heal.

I don't know where this ramble is going Morgan.  Perhaps try new things, sushi is pretty good.  Don't allow your health to fail, it can not possibly help you.  Immerse yourself in large groups of people, feel the energy of life.  Talk to strangers.  Just make a change.  

Morgan, you have written some very insightful things.  I know you are quite intelligent, you will come through this.  

Comment by morgan on May 23, 2015 at 10:22pm

Richard- It has been two years four months and two days since my husband died.  How long would you say it is going to take for it to get better?

Comment by Richard G on May 23, 2015 at 9:31pm

m morgan - Hi, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in that abyss. I've been there many times it is the worst place in the world. When I find myself so deep in the grief pool that it is all I can do to breath I tell myself that I just need to hang on. Somedays I find I can't do anything but most days I make myself do some little task. As far as food I haven't cooked since my wife died. I pretty much live on cereal or meals the neighbors provide. I try very hard to get out of the house for at least a few minutes each day.

This is my second trip to the grief abyss. I lost my first wife to cancer seven years ago. I was fortunate to meet Cherie, a wonderful woman who had lost her husband. We became inseparable and were married in 2009. I lost Cherie to cancer on April 18th.

I can only remember a handful of days of the first five months after losing my first wife. I think I can't remember because it is just so painful. I can't tell you how I survived. I know I asked God many times to take me. I can tell you it does get better. 

I know it seems like the abyss is completely empty but you are not alone. 

Comment by Richard G on May 23, 2015 at 9:18pm

Tildyc - My first wife comes to me in dreams every once in awhile. She didn't do that till about a year after she died. But I know when she comes she is really there and not just my imagination. Her visits give me great hope that Cherie will also visit. If Cherie doesn't visit for a while I hope Jane at least comes and lets me know that Cherie is ok.

A few days before Cherie died my daughter went in to the room to say goodnight and Cherie said she had just finished a long conversation with Jane. I would like have listened to that conversation.

After talking about the voice messages I think I will keep them. I don't ever want to forget her voice.

The other development in my life is the next door neighbors two daughter was diagnosed with leukemia yesterday. She really is like a granddaughter to me. I hadn't taken an Ativan in days but when I got that news yesterday, which was already a bad day, I had to take an Ativan just to be able to function. The doctors say the prognosis is good but that she will be getting treatments once a week for the next two to three years.

Comment by morgan on May 23, 2015 at 8:55pm

Today I fell into the abyss.  It was deeper and darker than it has been in quite awhile.  It seemed to have been building the last couple of days. It's like all of a sudden the grief is worsening.  I ended up in bed all day. I have so many decisions still facing me after all this time since he died and I cannot seem to do anything more than get up and try to function doing the basics.  And lately those have gotten hard again.  I don't even want to eat.  My last couple months I had started to eat again and now I just don't have the energy to cook anything.  I'm either too tired or too unmotivated to get up and do.  I can't keep living like this.  I don't want to live like this.  I'm just wearing out.  I don't know how long a body can endure this kind of despair, I don't know how long someone can cry without totally giving up, I don't know how to be happy again.  If I can't do this how will I bring an end to the suffering.  So many questions and decisions to make and no answers for me.  I need him back in my life and if I cant have that what will I do?

Comment by Tildyc on May 23, 2015 at 5:54pm

Richard- I too have voice mails that I've have listened to and it was extremely painful. I also have a video on my phone of him and I walking our dogs in the woods. I even have an hour long accidental recording of us on my phone just conversing and doing our everyday activities in our home. It's all soo heartbreaking. I haven't listen to any of them for awhile. It's too hard at this time anyway. But I never want to lose those precious recordings .... Never.

And actually- Mark has come to me already. Within the first 2 weeks of his passing- he came to me in 2 separate dreams. They where very lucid and unlike any regular dream I've had. I've absolutely no doubt in the validity of these dreams. Part of my assuredness is due to the fact I had a very similar dream many years ago involving a child hood friend. This dream occurred sometime in the mid 90's. I had no idea he had died until 3 days later, after he'd passed, when my mom told me. But the night he actually passed he "showed up" in my dream. Which was really odd because we hadn't seen or talked to one another for yrs. We had fell out of touch. He came into my dream and said hello and gave me a very warm and loving embrace. And then he turned and walked off into the woods. When I woke up the next morning I thought how random....that he showed up in my dream. And how very odd how lucid that dream was and a little weird- because I mostly never remember my dreams. So my own personal experience has brought me to believe that there is some kind of possible communication with our loved ones that have passed.

But I haven't experienced or heard from Mark since those last couple of dreams. And those dreams are so very important and comforting to me.

But- I'm pleading for more. If I could have more communication from him- I believe it could seriously save my life. I might even stand a chance at getting up off my knees.

And that is something I've stated on this forum a few times before.

Comment by Richard G on May 23, 2015 at 3:24pm

Tildyc, I have several saved voicemail messages from Cherie and when I really want to torture myself I listen to them. I really need to delete those messages but just can't bring myself to do it. Just remember that you are not alone in the dark empty realm. There are a whole lot of us in that realm. I hope Mark communicates with you. My first wife did communicate with me through dreams but that was not for over a year after she passed. I am hoping that Cherie will visit me soon but I don't expect her to for some time yet. I wish you peace.

Comment by Tildyc on May 23, 2015 at 3:12pm

I'm going through some old notes from work and deleting and cleaning up some space. When I get to the ones I recorded before the date of my Mark's last breath- I always say to myself-("That's when Mark was still alive and he had only "this" many days left to live." And- "That's before Mark left me- when I was still whole and truly happy." "Mark was still here with me, talking, laughing, arguing, cooking and alive and loving me." )

It's like reality making GD sure that I fully feel the torment of my loss and my pain. To make sure I NEVER find any peace or solace.

Anytime I see a date in Feburary or older, it's like some kind of painful ambush... an un-escapable attack on my psyche. I'm helpless in that moment. It sends me spiraling off trying to recall the memories of the date that I'm reading.... What he was doing that particular day when he was still alive and we still had each other. Which is so incredibly sad and heartbreaking. It's yet another relentless reminder that let's me know that I live in a different realm, in a dark, empty and lonely realm.

It feels as if my poor confused mind has turned on me. It just won't let go for even a moment. My gawd- plz give me some peace.

And why the hell can't he just find a way to communicate with me? It would truly mean everything to me.

Comment by Richard G on May 23, 2015 at 12:11pm

Dianne, I know what you mean, it has only been a little over a month since I lost my spouse to cancer. I really hate the mornings. I dread waking up because the days are so long and so lonely. I have our three dogs and two cats that at least give me a reason to get out of bed. But I pray everyday for God to take me home. They talk about finding your new normal, well if my new normal is what I'm experiencing now I would just as soon die. I will not take my own life but it is very difficult to make sense of this world. I have lost two spouses to cancer and doubt I could ever love again because I don't think I could go through this again. 

Yesterday I found out that my next door neighbors two year old daughter has leukemia. She is like a granddaughter to me. I didn't think my days could be any worse but I was wrong. 

Having been through this when I lost my first wife I know that the pain will lessen over time. But the pain never completely goes away. Now I have the pain of losing two spouse and I don't know if I will every be happy again. I don't know what purpose I'm supposed to serve in this world but I figure to be alone and lonely until I can be reunited with my spouses in heaven.  

All I look for a tiny moments of peace during the day and I hope that you are able to find some moments of peace.

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