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Comment by Tildyc on May 31, 2015 at 2:38am

I'm not ok.

Today, while visiting the cabin, my 2 dogs went after a porcupine. I didn't realize they had until they came out of the bushes. It was horrific, terrifying and extremely disturbing to see there faces and heads so completely masked with all those black quills. They where damn near unrecognizable. I was alone and we had a 1 1/2 mile hike through the woods to get back to the logging road to where my truck was parked. There is no phone service available and then there is the 20 mile drive to town to the vets. The entire time my poor babies kept pawing frantically at their faces and rubbing their heads on the ground. Which only made the quills go deeper and caused them to bleed more. I was trying so hard to just hold it together for their sake. I really didn't have a choice though, I had to in order to save them. It was terrible. And I'm not trying to upset anyone here with the graphic details or be over dramatic. Its is just that I had to deal with all of this without Mark. I NEEDED his help so very very desperately. And I most definitely don't want to tell anyone else because it's now after the fact and they wouldn't be able to help now anyways. It would just bring well meaning but unwanted visitors to my door.

Many hours later after this ordeal, when the dogs and I where finally back home, I freakin lost it. Began crying uncontrollably. Really haven't stopped. Yes- I'm traumatized from today's events. But here's the thing- if Mark would of been there with me- I wouldn't be so completely blown away from this ordeal. I would still be very upset of course but, with Mark here- I wouldn't be shaking and shutting down like I am now. This kind of shit happens where I live- it's a wild and untamed land. I grew up here and I know of these things. Yet- not only do these dogs mean so much more because they where "our kids." But it's also a strong and powerful reminder exactly how alone I am now. Without Mark- every problem has become so debilitating. Which brings to my attention how hard life's losses and trials are going to be for me as time brutally and mindlessly marches on.

So I'm crying and talking to his picture tonight. Which I do often... Begging him to find some way to come help me and comfort me. Or to just please please set me free and release me from this pain and let me pass on to where ever he has disappeared to.

Comment by morgan on May 30, 2015 at 8:29pm

Trina- I remember when I moved from our home in FL 1700 miles away into my sisters lake cabin at the eighth month mark.  Disorientation was horrendous.  I simply crawled into bed and stayed there.  then I tried relocating to Hawaii, three months later I returned to the cabin and crawled back into bed.  I realized location was just another place to endure the separation from my beloved. It didn't matter where I was because my existence like yours has been unalterably changed.  It's only a matter of degrees as to how much we can reconstruct.  Mine is pretty minimal because I don't want to.  You have to find a reason to want to and hopefully you will find that.

 For example it seems Linda has been able to and I think that is great (for her).  It is what she is able to tell herself of the reasons she can go on.  Some people can do it as they still find life a place they want to be.  I think it is great for those who can find other things where they can find value, joy, happiness.  Some people have children, some have grandchildren, others have a faith where they can believe in some sort of other worldly dominion.  All good places to find reason.  

My reason for 35 years was my husband. I made some friends some of whom I can call on for periodic support but there is nothing or no one that can now be there for me the way I need it.  I am alone.  Life is just one big empty place that I am supposed to move around in and react like I used to.  Just like your analogy Dianne, I  am supposed to get in the ocean and not get wet.  Perfect. Or what you said John, for as long as I have been distracting myself I have yet to to feel any difference once I am done distracting.  

As time passes this "managing" a reconstructed life is called getting better. For me I have tried and tried to distract myself, but as all of you mentioned, just about everything leads back to the one person who we loved.  And yes, the frequency backs off but there is nothing that dims the intensity of what that love was.  

One final note, I had written a note to my husbands internist who had treated him for his diabetes and put him on a pump a month before he went into the hospital.  We thought he was trying to do something to help my husband so I thought a note to him was appropriate after my husband died. .  He responded with a letter of condolence and how he remembered their times at academy.  Problem is my husband never went to his academy. How dare he be so callous that he couldn't even look far enough into the file to see what his relationship to my husband was. Medicine is just a revolving door.  It makes lots of money and the people who try to help are underpaid.  When I get sick I am going to go fast.  No one is going to get a chance to benefit.  

Comment by bluebird on May 30, 2015 at 1:33pm

Tildy -- EXACTLY, that is exactly how it is.

Comment by Tildyc on May 30, 2015 at 1:12pm

I miss Mark- more than I'm able to ever put into words. I also miss being happy and feeling joy. When something happens that could make me laugh or invoke feelings of contentment or inspiration... It all stops at the fake plastic smile I paste on my face or sometimes a forced laugh and that lodges in my throat and chest.

Nothing is able to truly effect me in that way anymore. I don't feel the awe that would fill me all the way to my toes when I see the endless beauty of the Alaskan wilderness. I no longer look forward to what should be exciting events. No matter how I try to recreate these ideas and situations that I thought where so wonderful and fulfilling- They never reach me any further than that fake smile or that pathetic forced laugh. Many times these very things that brought me such joy, can now remind me of a time I shared them with Mark- which only deepens my sadness and pain. It's such a gray and empty place I'm trapped in. "How very cruel" Trina.... "How very sad"

Comment by Richard G on May 30, 2015 at 12:42pm

bluebird - I hope that we both get to see our loved ones again.

Comment by bluebird on May 30, 2015 at 12:38pm

Richard, i understand that. It's the same for me, and my husband died 2.5 years ago. it will ALWAYS be this way for me, until i am with him again (if there is an afterlife).

Comment by Richard G on May 30, 2015 at 12:34pm

The last two days have been really hard. I don't know why they have been so much harder. Maybe on some level I'm just now realizing that my love is truly gone. Today is six weeks since she passed away. I don't know if I was this bad after my first wife died or not because I can't remember the first several months after she died. I keep asking God to take me but I'm still here. It's hard to imagine going through life alone and sad. It is so hard to remember the good times. All I feel is pain.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 30, 2015 at 9:43am

Tildy you wrote exactly how I have been feeling.

"In fact- I'm surrounded by hundreds of emotional land mines. Everywhere. At any moment I'll have a flashback of a memory of us.... like when I'm at the store- and I'm in the very isle where we had discussed which type of rice to have with dinner that evening or when I see his warm winter gloves and how he insisted I use his them for the dog walk that day.

I try to avoid these situations but its like jumping into the ocean and trying not to get wet. It's just not possible.

Absolutely everywhere there are reminders of the empty space in my life now. This sadness......has become a permanent part of who I am."

I am taking one of our dogs to the vet today. First time without him. We had been going to this doc since she got out of school. The entire office knew us so this is going to be very very hard. And I will have to take her alone which is not fun either.

This is the worst time of my life.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 30, 2015 at 7:25am

I guess I am more hopeful.  I do not believe the rest of my life will be loveless or joyless.  I do believe I will miss Paul for the rest of my life and I am grateful for the time I had with him.  Perhaps because I had to place him in Assisted Living last summer, there was some adjustment to the separation before he died.  Also, because he was ill our entire marriage, I had already experienced many of the stages of grief - anger, bargaining, etc. - as part of the disease.  I also have my career, children and grandchildren that were/are a large part of my existence.

My daughter went to Kings Dominion with her twins last weekend and she said she got teary as she remembered the last time Paul went there with her and the twins.  I knew at the time that the trip would be his last as his health was failing rapidly.  With the help of the park's staff, he had a wonderful time, enjoying the water park and riding all the roller coasters.  I think the knowledge that he was slowly dying and that each moment with him was precious has made our adjustment to his loss easier.  I am fortunate that my family is comfortable talking about Paul and remembering his unique personality and love for each of us.  He was one of a kind.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 30, 2015 at 7:01am

I arrived in Bangladesh yesterday and I am feeling completely disoriented, to put it mildly. In the past, when I made my annual trip to BD, the first thing I would do upon arrival is activate my SIM card so that I can call Joseph, and then the highlight of my day was our Skype call. Now I keep turning to my phone and almost start dialing home. Then I am rudely reminded that Joseph isn't home waiting for my call.
There are so many reminders every single day of our lost loved one. Those who haven't lost a spouse don't realize how small things and big things can constantly act as triggers for arousing memories. The reminders are so painful as they remind us of our new status: our love is gone forever and now for the rest of my life my life will be loveless, joyless, and just a matter of passing another day, surviving another day. Is this life? No, it is barely existing, and I don't want to go on existing in this new, painful status without my Joseph to give me love, to bring me joy and comfort. How very cruel, how very sad that we have been handed this life sentence. Totally undeserved!

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