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Comment by Nancy on May 31, 2015 at 10:43pm

I have a good friend who is "living it up" in Vegas right now, and I realized that opulent lifestyle just turns me off right now. It always has, to a degree. I'm not one for fancy jewelry, or a big expensive car. Just the simple things keep me happy-ish. But to see all her posts now about the rich food and the fancy buildings just appalls me. After losing my husband, I realize how shallow all that is. God, I miss that man. I just MISS him. His presence, his voice.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 6:36pm

Here is a link to a good article I came across:

http://thecaregiverspace.org/mr-grief-enemy-friend/

Sadly, I found the caregiver space website in Paul's last few weeks of life.  I have found the information there to be right on target.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 4:09pm

I liked this thought from Joe Biden.  In a 2012 speech to military families who had lost a loved one, Biden talks about the constant weight of grief. "Just when you think, ‘Maybe I’m going to make it,’ you’re riding down the road and you pass a field, and you see a flower and it reminds you. Or you hear a tune on the radio. Or you just look up in the night. You know, you think, ‘Maybe I’m not going to make it, man.' Because you feel at that moment the way you felt the day you got the news."

He goes on to say that grief eventually, makes room for other things.

"There will come a day – I promise you, and your parents as well – when the thought of your son or daughter, or your husband or wife, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye," Biden says. "It will happen."

I am sure the loss of his son now has brought up all the raw emotion of when he lost his wife and daughter.  I can't imagine the pain he must be feeling.  But I would bet that he cherishes every minute of the forty-six years he had with his son.  That is how I feel about Paul. 

Comment by Dianne M. on May 31, 2015 at 4:01pm

Linda my husbands urn is on top of the entertainment center. I like it there. I talk to him too.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 3:57pm

We each respond to grief differently.  I went to lunch with the Widows and Widowers meet up group I have joined and one of the members commented that she couldn't bear to have her husband's urn where she would be constantly looking at it.  I am just the opposite.  I can't bear to put my husband's urn in a cabinet.  Paul and I always watched tv together after I got home from work and made dinner and I like having his urn where I can look across at it while watching tv.  It makes me feel like he is still with me.

Comment by morgan on May 31, 2015 at 1:17pm

Anything but to have to face another day.

And please, Linda, I don't always find the right words to explain how I feel.  I know it wasn't what you "told" yourself.  Each of us find ways to manage our grief and not one of them is easier or better than another. I just feel like you have found a way to manage yours better than I.  I can't wrap my head around my husbands death no matter what I tell myself.  That's more the point.  Not that you are "telling" yourself.  I am glad someone can find a way through this.  

In one way I wish I could find it easier to bear and honestly in another way I just have given up.  I don't want to live without the man who made me tick.  To face day after day attempting to find something that makes me want to stay on this earth has been futile.  I can not write that I have hope for a better future because I don't want the hope or the future.  If that is depression then sign me up.  I don't think it is because I can still see life in all its shades.  I just don't want to do it alone and there will never be another person that could nor would I want to try to live with someone else as my companion.  Somehow that would be like trying to keep forcing a square peg in a round hole.  

I feel a lot more like Tildyc only I am a lot longer down the line. And even with the small amount of reprieve I get on a daily basis that definitely time has given me my heart and soul are still chained to the ball that is my constant reminder.  His essence so permeated me.  I don't know how it is possible for another person to have made such an impact on my thinking.  I go through an existential crisis every day and having read even book on the subject the end suggestion is always the same.  Seek professional help.

And if I am a professional?

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 31, 2015 at 8:25am

I don't think it is what I have been able to tell myself but instead what my expectations were.  I married Paul knowing I would likely lose him at some point and made sure I had a life outside of my life with him.  It doesn't make the loss any less painful but it does make it easier to bear.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 31, 2015 at 5:21am

Tildyc, Dianne, m morgan, John T, and Richard,

Your latest posts filled me with deep sadness. We are inconsolable in our loss. I only hope that over time, maybe five or six years down the line, we can reach a place in life where the good memories will also bring a smile and brighten our day and not only bitter tears and despondency. This is my prayer for myself and for the rest of you.

Tildyc, sorry that you had such a bad experience today. Hang in there.

Comment by Tildyc on May 31, 2015 at 3:26am

There is no place safe. There is no escape from this soul eating reality. No matter where I go.... it's always going to be- without him. I feel so effin helpless and defenseless in this emptiness. Completely without a compass in this uncertain life. I feel so GD vulnerable to whatever fate decides to kick me in the stomach with next- whenever it wants. My gawd- I've become so ineffective and feel like a sitting duck. It's unsettling and I hate how pathetic I've become. I truly had no clue how bad this would get when I was living as one of the un-effected. There's just not enough words in my limited vocabulary to ever explain how truly BAD this loss is. It's completely ruined my life.

Comment by Tildyc on May 31, 2015 at 2:42am

The vet bill is going to be astronomical. :(

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