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Comment by morgan on November 26, 2015 at 12:35am

I’m not sure how this is all going to turn out for each one of us, I can only speak for myself but I need to decide how I can continue feeling this way and live.  Has it gotten better over the years?  Absolutely.  I don’t spend hours hunched over the arm of the couch crying.  I can get in my car and drive and not feel as though I am just levitating.  I don’t fall on the floor as much writhing in agony.  I don’t pore over websites about suicide.

 

What hasn’t changed though is the constant remembering.  I cannot live in the present or plan a future because I am living in the past.  It is the only place where I remember being alive. 

 

I feel imprisoned by the present.  I feel as if I am forced by some ungrateful power that sees fit to punish me by having me continue to live.  I beg to be taken.  I plead for an end.  My mind never lets go of wanting to be done.  It isn’t always obvious but it is there nonetheless. 

 

I have tried everything except drugs to retrain my brain.  I have waged endless battles in thought to tell myself that this is something that isn’t as bad as it seems.  That so may people have it so much worse.  Why am I so distraught over losing him to the doorway of death.   He always loved me and I loved him and for the time I had that it should be enough.  But it isn’t.  And I don’t know how to change it.

 

I have been holding onto the two people who have brought me this far.  But the pain is still there.  Daily.  And has gotten worse again in the last couple weeks.  It seems to come and go from bad to worse but never good.  So I have come to a place where I have cut off all commnication with those who have helped.  I feel like I need to either say I am going to live this life alone with the little support that has not been enough up till now and try to settle that into my brain or I need to stop killing myself piece by piece.  

 

Going into this seasonal celebratory stuff is like taking another death march. All I can remember is the run up to taking him to the ER on Christmas Eve.  He was so valiant.  And he was dying.  Yet he did the cooking for Thaksgiving.  Just the two of us but always a spread.  He put up and decorated the tree for Xmas.  I was sucked down at the job.  And then the first day of rest and he was so ill.  Christmas Eve day.

 

How in the hell am I ever supposed to get through this season knowing what the past was like for him and for me?  I can’t do it.  Over and over and over I simply can’t seem to let go of what was and how I can’t go forward.  I can’t do it without him.  No kids, no faith and left alone to rattle around in these four walls looking at doing it all by myself?  I don’t think I can.  I am trying but I don’t think I can. 

I hear you Angela and Rachel and Nicole, Hilary,Bluebird, Anne, Tildyc, Trina, George, John, Kathleen, Fran, Tom and Kim and RJ and Hollow Heart and everyone else who names we don't even know yet.  I hang onto you like fruit hangs on its tree.  I know you know what this is like.  The psychologists have had it all wrong.  They think this just goes away at some point.  Well, they're wrong.  It never goes away and it's not something they have some ultimate cure for.  I've distracted myself to the point where I thought I could kick into a different gear.  It doesn't seem to be happening.  I will keep trying for now but tomorrow will be rough and I might just stay in bed all day.  I don't know what to do other than come here and cry.  I'm so sorry for all of us.  What a crappy life-denying event death is.  The word hate hardly covers it.

Comment by Angela on November 25, 2015 at 10:57pm

So, today was heart wrenching...November 25th, our 26th Wedding anniversary. I just cannot accept that he is dead. It's just not right. And, all this holiday crap is killing me. I want to crawl in a cave and just be alone. I hate these holidays. I hate not having him here with me.


I haven't been here for a couple weeks. My world has been so dark and empty. I am struggling.

Comment by rachel_micele on November 25, 2015 at 7:18pm

Ms. Morgan, I read your post and trying to figure out the words to say. Don't know that I have any. Your post sounds serious, desperate. My heart goes out to you. To just wish you luck there's more i want to say yet I don't know what that is. Please keep us all posted here. 

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 24, 2015 at 8:08am

Good luck, Morgan. Will you still post here?

Comment by morgan on November 24, 2015 at 12:52am

Bluebird- yes, hell it is.  How do we reverse hell?  How is it we are now in the position to hate life and yet still have to live. My attitude is getting worse.  I really hate seeing myself being so despondent.  And now here we are again at a time of the year when in my former life I was spending it loving and living.  Now i am shutting down, pulling away, refusing to get near anyone or anything that wants to celebrate.

Tildyc- I think of you often knowing full well you are barely surviving.  Your posts are so full of the feelings of loss.  It's like a disease we have now and no one has any idea we are so sick.  Nothing shows on the outside so we are expected to join in our old universe.  AND it is an assault.  

I am trying a new approach to the hole.  I have turned off my phone.  I only have two people who have been supportive somewhat of my situation but their support is not enough.  I am constantly needing more.  So I am going to try pulling away totally and see if I can survive the aloneness.  I want to determine what this is like without the outreach I kept doing in order to just prop myself up.  I am either going to be able to do this or I am not.  

I am at a point where I need to make a decision.  I cannot keep limping along like I have been.  I will try to make a determination whether living alone is for me because I know the flimsy connection I have with the two people who have kept me going (I'm not sure for who's benefit) is not going to sustain me.  When the gaps appear I need to either get strong or I am going to give it up.  I know it will take me a bit to make this kind of decision and I am attempting it during a period when the worst time happened but I've had enough.  I will make it or I wont but at this point, it is time.  

In the meantime I am hibernating now that it has turned cold.  I made a trip to Florida last week to see if I could handle moving again but that will not be in the cards.  As much as I prefer the weather I cannot go somewhere else where I know no one.  It wont be any different than here other than a few warm degrees. Not enough to make the effort anymore.  

Wish me luck…….

Comment by rachel_micele on November 24, 2015 at 12:42am

Per Hilary, "The "what are you holiday plans?" has started."

I'm glad I haven't gotten any of that but that's how small my social world is. Any routine interaction is with so few people. I don't do anything social and stick to myself as much as possible at work so I can avoid conversation. I just want to do my small time and leave. I will not be attending the family function this week. I can't do it. I won't do it. I refuse to sit there and act like all is well while I drown. Gary and I had yet to take stock into holidays so it's not for that reason. I'm just not close to half of the people that would be there and if I can't talk to someone about my grief, I can't have anything to do with them.    

Sending love to everyone here as this time of year approaches.

Comment by bluebird on November 23, 2015 at 10:10pm

Same here, Tildy.  I used to love Autumn -- but my husband died in Autumn, so now I don't.  I used to love Christmas, it was my favorite holiday -- but now that my husband is dead, I hate it. I don't celebrate it anymore. I spend it with my family, but there is no joy in it for me. I hate hearing the Christmas songs I used to love. I hate shopping. I hate get-togethers. I hate all of it.

Comment by rachel_micele on November 23, 2015 at 5:39pm

Bluebird, "I look like hell, because I feel like hell, because I am in hell." Well put.

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 23, 2015 at 4:51pm

Tildyc, that is what it feels like. Like in a scary movie that plays creepy merry=go=round music.  I  .  miss  .  D 

Some of his shirts still smell like him, a little. I can't believe he's really physically gone. Please, please, please, don't make me stay here without him.

Comment by Tildyc on November 23, 2015 at 4:10pm

Hilary Christene- Holidays....Christmas. All the gaudy lights, relentless piped in music and the constant onslaught of the un-effected ones shoving their merry merry in my face. It's such an assault on my sad and solitary exsistance. All it is doing is intensifying my pain and reminding me of how I'll never have true happiness or love again. That my life has changed forever and all that's left is the gaping hole that his absence has left behind.

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