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Comment by stewart p on April 15, 2016 at 11:15am

Im up on nearly 3 years after 23 years and I must say to you all I wouldn't trade places with anyone here, these long hard fought years ~ I feel Ive earned my spot here in more ways than I could ever have  imagined, clawing my way some days it almost seemed just to survive or keep a piece of sanity about me. My neighbors too at times seem to look the other way as our paths appear to begin crossing on the way towards the mailbox or somewhere, or maybe its more just my perception but alas these days I am emboldened to engage with anyone particularity those who appear to rather want to avoid me, and even more so because of that reason.  Are they afraid of death, are the uncomfortable or unsure what to say, my attitude now is lets gets in there and find out.  Lets engage.  It is in those moments of interaction accompanied with tension where therapeutic healing may begin to take its course and maybe they need it more than I do.

I still have the anxiety but now I make myself go.  And that is the thing Im beginning to discover now, its almost like an ailing body part, it continues to hurt and all the feelings are still present I'm just learning to adapt and live with it, and if Im really creative I begin to learn how to tap into this energy to empower me in my life today.  The thoughts of my wife, and the fear, loneliness, joy love happiness sorrow, everything is with me every day now as I expect it will not leave anytime soon nor would I really want it to any more, but now it seem,s to push me to live more than ever before because of it, maybe  because she cant I can, or something. I don't know yet, Im still learning as I'm going, I guess for me what I'm saying is yes there is this dark side to it all, we all are too familiar with that by now, but there seems to be another side to it as well that only us few can discover and for which the price of admission is high to be sure and one I had no choice over

Comment by O.L. Cato on April 15, 2016 at 10:36am

Angela,  I'm so glad you said it, "no one comes around anymore".  I told my adult children and they think I'm imagining this.  When I go out  in the yard or check the mail, if anyone is out they go inside.  What do they think I'm going to do?  It's like I'm a Leper.  Friends from "back I'm the day", don't call anymore.  Most called ONE TIME to offer condolences and that's it.  Yes, the loneliness is excruciating.  It's been 15 weeks and after a huge crying fit on Sunday, sounding like an animal and crying for the longest time, I'm beginning to feel a bit better.  The loneliness is hell....I miss him all the time.  I feel that my life is gone, he wouldn't want me to feel this way.  Angela, you are not alone.  OLC

Comment by Angela on April 15, 2016 at 9:27am

The loneliness is excruciating! It has been compounded now as I broke my toe and have to hobble around and do everything for myself. No one to take care of me or help me out. No one comes around anymore. I am a recluse. Still finding it difficult even to go to the grocery store...now it's even worse with the broken toe. I really hate the quiet. My house is quiet. Now that Tom is gone and I had to put down my beloved dog Chloe in Feb. it's painfully quiet. I am sitting here bawling having this pity party for myself...how pathetic is that?? It's coming up to the 1 year anniversary of his death on the 27th. It all just sucks.....

Comment by Tildyc on April 12, 2016 at 8:16pm

I feel the same Bluebird- I will never recover. It is the one and only thing I am certain of in my sorry excuse of a life now. There is no escape from this pain. I'm banking on my death to be the answer. But really I just don't know.

Honestly, I don't believe in anything anymore.

Comment by bluebird on April 11, 2016 at 11:23pm

Huh.  I knew that I would never recover in the least from my husband's death. I knew I would always want to die. I knew the rest of my life is forfeit. I knew all that from the moment I knew he died. I have never thought that I would be ok or want to go on with my life, or anything like that. Actually, I knew before he died that it would be like this for me if he ever died before I did.

I hope those of you who do want to continue with your lives are able to find ways to do so with some peace and happiness.  For me, life is as horrible now as it was the moment I first learned my husband died; however, it is not like that for everyone. In fact, it seems as though it's not like that for most people, because most people seem to have a desire and ability to live their lives in some way. So there's a fair chance that most of you will be able to do that, if you choose to.

Comment by Sad and Depressed on April 11, 2016 at 6:02pm

Alice,

Thank you for your words. I too thought that I would be able to handle grief better than what I am. I lost my mom 8 years ago and while it broke my heart and I miss her terribly and I still miss her to this day. I was able to go on and pick up the pieces and continue to live. This has made me walk through life in a fog and wonder if I will ever be happy again. Am I destine to be alone for the rest of my life. In 11 years my kids will be off to college and then I will truly be alone. I know 11 years is a long time away and a lot can happen but if this has taught me anything it has taught me that life is short.

I am praying that we all find some ease to the pain in our hearts.

Comment by O.L. Cato on April 11, 2016 at 3:55pm

This is the hardest thing I/we will ever live through in our lives.  So many of you put your feelings into such eloquent paragraphs.  I don't have the words to say how I feel.  He's gone, I'll never see him again, hear his voice, feel. his touch.  Laugh and joke and even bicker with him.  How do people go on living?  It's been 105 days since he left.  It's hard to believe I have gone on living this long without him.  The love of my life.  This site is a blessing.  Thank all of you.

Comment by Joseph on April 11, 2016 at 2:59pm

This site has offered comfort in that I know I am not alone but terrifies me because I am beginning to realize that the grief and loneliness won't end any time soon.  I know each journey is different but I feel like I am an alien from another world. Nothing makes sense anymore.  Nothing feels safe and normal.  I can't live like this.  I pray every minute that I get called home soon.  I pray for all of you please pray for me.

Comment by Robin Quinn on April 10, 2016 at 8:56pm

I feel like screaming and screaming, this loneliness is so terrible.  I sometimes think about moving to a different place so I don't have all the reminders, other times I can't stand not being in the place we were so happy.  Our marriage wasn't perfect, but he made me feel so safe and cherished.  I don't know how long I can go on like this, it's so hard going to work and acting sane when inside I feel like I'm going crazy.  Life sucks.

Comment by Sad and Depressed on April 10, 2016 at 8:25pm

Can someone please tell me how do I  deal with the loneliness I am feeling? I can't believe how lonely I am even in a crowd of people. What do you do to combat the loneliness? I have kids but after they are in bed there is no-one here to talk to and no-one to share my thoughts with. 

Friends invite me and the kids to be with them but they don't understand that they have something that we will never have again... a complete family. My heartbreaks every time I see families together a husband, wife, and their kids enjoying themselves. I know it is wrong but I think "what did I do that I deserved to be living in this type of hell? Why do they deserve to be happy while I am sad and lonely?  Someone please help me!

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