Comment

Comment by Steve Suehiro on May 3, 2016 at 11:16am

Titi, I understand not wanting to pretend that everything is ok and how you feel uninterested in speaking with others about anything other than your loss.  Of course everyone processes and deals with their grief in different ways, and no two losses are the same - each situation is unique and the way one person copes may not work for someone else.

For me, pretending to be OK was all I could do to prevent myself from becoming completely overwhelmed with grief.  I came to detest my time off from work when I would be alone with my thoughts.  I would incessantly think about whether I said "I love you" enough, and whether things would have been different and whether she would have not have accidentally overdosed had I done something differently.  I struggled with a fair amount of feelings of guilt and failure on top of my loss.  I came to realize that if I was a religious true believer in the afterlife, I would have opted to do something drastic to end my own life and join her. 

I had made a conscious decision at some point that I would need to carry on as best as I could as a matter of respect in honor of my wife's accidental death.   Knowing her personality, I realized that she would feel so badly about causing me or anyone sadness, and that she would instead want me to be well and as happy as possible.  I can say that trying to live without her and becoming accustomed to this new life was the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life.  It took a lot of counseling and work for me to survive this dark time in my life.  Even though it did take a long while, at some point I realized that things were becoming easier- perhaps it was a matter of me becoming used to not having her as the center or my universe, or perhaps it was a matter of time allowing me to gain a better and more clear perspective about myself and my own life.

I wish you the best of luck and send to you my respect and support.  We here are all part of this messed up club that no one ever wants to be a part of - I have come to believe that no one who has not lost their spouse can even begin to fathom what this is like, and they are the only ones who can even come close to understanding what I am going through. 

Comment by stewart p on May 2, 2016 at 4:56pm

Titi, Your daughter might simply ready to talk about it not because she is insensitive, but children process these things often differently than adults.  I found it helpful when I needed to talk to someone going to a bi weekly bereavement was quite helpful because obviously that was what we were all there to talk about.  Suprisingly I discovered that kids often prefer to talk with other kids about these things more than they do with us, at the same time I have made it a point to still refer to my wife's things that are in our house or remembering things she would do and say and mention them occasionally to sort of measure how my kids responded and to get an idea if they were getting stuck or working through it at their own pace.  We have to expect it will be difficult for them and depending on their age they may take much longer than we like but that is for them to decide and not us to judge.  I got advice that there were groups kids could go to as well as us adults, and I briefly mentioned it to my kids but they didn't seem to want to go, not yet at least and that is ok. 

What I challenged with today is I have to go get some medical work done and it really sucks because i know have to come home alone.  My wife use to always be there and we would take care of each other from something as simple as getting an extra pillow to going to the pharmacy and now I have to do it all alone.  I'm a grown man and I hate to say it but Im scared and lonely and I just wish my wife was there to hold my hand or look in my eyes and smile.  Many of you are right about one thing we all seem to share at one point another and that is the emptiness we feel as we each dredge through the day.

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 2, 2016 at 3:38pm

Titi,

I can't sleep in our bedroom anymore.  I can sit in his chair but not sleep in the bedroom.  To me it's a sacred place and I feel close too him sitting in his chair. I wonder often, did I tell him enough that I love him?  We al need to hear it daily.  He always said it to me, I said it back but how often did I say it first?  There is that part of me that knows he will come home to me.  I couldn't live if I didn't have that little thought rolling around in the back of my  mind.  My daughter got mad at me for taking about him when he was dead for three weeks.  I never knew that I raised an insensitive child.  The only thing that I can hang on to is the thought that my husband would want me to take care of myself.  I was a blessed woman and now I don['t know how to live without him.

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 1, 2016 at 7:30pm

It's  been 18 weeks today.   He was the best thing that  happened in my life. I never told him. I told him that I loved him and I still do, I always will.  He told me he loved me, daily.  There are no words.  I was sitting in his chair a while ago wondering why I have not died too.  People really do die from a broken heart.  Why am I still here?

Comment by bluebird on May 1, 2016 at 11:34am

Comment by Steve Suehiro yesterday:           

Titi, I should also mention that I had to fake being ok for a long period of time before I actually started to really feel like I was ok.  The thing I hated most of all then and now was being treated by others as if I was made of glass and in danger of shattering at all times.  I know folks mean well, but very few can come close to understanding how we feel in the least.

_________________________________________________________

See, it's the opposite for me, in a couple of ways. First, I refuse to act as if I'm ok -- I am not ok, and I never will be ok. People can accept that or ignore me, I don't really care which, but no way will I pretend. Second, while I understand that you hated being treated as though you were fragile, for myself, I hate it when people act as though everything is fine, or like I will "get through this" and "move on".  NO.  For me, NO. I am not ok, I will never be ok, and I refuse to pretend otherwise. I can't stand spending time with people -- I've never really been one for small-talk, but now I just cannot do it. It doesn't matter, all the little "how are you" "fine, how are you" shit, just doesn't matter. I either want to talk about how much I love and miss my husband, and how much I want to die and (if there is an afterlife) be with him, or I don't want to talk at all. No other topic of conversation interests me in the least.

It really is different for each person, as you said.

Comment by rachel_micele on April 30, 2016 at 9:17pm

Susan - If you are religious you may like the griefshare. I tried one but after either the second or third week it got entirely too bible based for me and I couldn't hack that. 

Comment by Francine Goodman on April 30, 2016 at 3:05pm

It has been almost two years since the sudden death of my husband of 39 years. We were together since we were teens. I don't remeber life without him. I do think it is possible to die of a broken heart, and don't understand how I am carrying on. People say time will help, but I am so tired of feeling like this. I am simply existing. If I were to use a beach for comparison, I am grains of sands better, is that living? I don't think so. Just needed to vent.

Fran

Comment by stewart p on April 29, 2016 at 4:17pm

I went for over a year to a breavement/grief group at our local hospital. It met twice a month, sometimes a looooong wait between meetings for me.  It was very similar to a meeting like your describe at a nearby church.  Either one would of been fine, I just started going to the hospital first.  Most if not all are zero cost or a couple of dollars for some materials like a workbook at the group which met at our church.  I dont know how I would of made it through that first year, particularly all the holidays and such without it.  It HELPED a lot, in more ways than I can describe.  I will say sometimes it was more an act of shear will to make myself go, but Im thankful for every time I went.  Check it out 2 or 3 times, whats the worst that can happen?  Whats the best thing that can happen, plenty I can tell you.

Comment by Susan on April 29, 2016 at 11:41am

It's amazing how many people here have lost their spouses...myself included. I don't see how there can be enough people to respond to all these posts about we who have lost someone dear to us. And I believe that's why we post something about our loss...so that we connect with another human being who understands our loss. 

I don't know how to make that connection. I lost my husband on March 8 of this year. I'm handling that fairly well but I still need to heal. I think I need to contact a local church regarding joining their Griefshare program. Did anyone here go through that program before?

Comment by Steve Suehiro on April 29, 2016 at 11:19am

Titi, I should also mention that I had to fake being ok for a long period of time before I actually started to really feel like I was ok.  The thing I hated most of all then and now was being treated by others as if I was made of glass and in danger of shattering at all times.  I know folks mean well, but very few can come close to understanding how we feel in the least.

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