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Comment by Chum on June 9, 2016 at 11:36pm

Bluebird. I think you are correct in that the circumstances of our loved ones death impacts our dealing with their death. I had 24 hours knowledge prior, and got to say goodbye. People here who woke up thinking it was another day then went to bed alone are dealing with an added trauma. The utter shock of sudden unexpected death. I know, we're that me, I would be angry at not being able to say goodbye. The loss would feel more abrupt. Age, I think makes a difference too. Married for 40 years, my husband died after having lived his three score and ten. 72 years is a decent age to live to. He was sick and suffering... Who wants to keep on living through that. Young people struck down suddenly...well, there is trauma there for the remaining person to weather.

Comment by Elynn m on June 9, 2016 at 10:41pm

I get lonely often  even though I have many friends around me

Comment by bluebird on June 9, 2016 at 7:24pm

Linda,

I agree with you that "We all deal differently with our loss".

My guess is that at least part of the reason for the difference in the way I experience my grief and the way you experience yours is that your husband was ill for a long time and you were his caretaker, so that (1) you had time to, at least to some degree, process his coming death, and (2) since you were his caretaker, your life became more "free", for lack of a better word, when he died.

Whereas in the case of me and my husband, the morning of the day he died we kissed goodbye and told each other we loved each other, as always, and each of us went about our days, and early that evening I received a phone call that he had collapsed, and by the time I got to the hospital he was dead. He hadn't been ill (or, rather, we hadn't known he was), so his death was a complete shock to me. He was only 40 years old, and it was one week to the day after our wedding. So the circumstances of the two deaths are very, very different.

Comment by stewart p on June 9, 2016 at 4:24pm

i have many days i did absolutely "nothing", it just cant keep going on like this and i dont know how to get out of that rut

Comment by Chum on June 9, 2016 at 4:10pm

Don't lose heart Stewart. I have those periods of time as well. First getting up is so difficult, then dressing, brushing teeth etc, is another wall. Getting to the front door today.....well forget it. But next I will likely come out of this malaise and I will somehow motivated and will make it to the car and onward. I have no idea what is going on. If I did I would have the solution for myself. Sometimes, I can easily talk myself out of my dark cloud but other times I'm so low I can't even see the cloud I'm so far in the pit. My sister is visiting me for a month from New Zealand. I was hoping this feeling wouldn't happen while she was here but here it is. Next week will be the one year anniversary of Jordan's death. I'm hoping how I'm feeling today is because of this though I'm not consciously getting worked up about it. I will scatter his ashes along with his old dog's ashes. Beauregarde died three weeks ago, almost as if he knew. They will both go in the hydrangea garden. I'm hoping to feel more settled after that.

Comment by stewart p on June 9, 2016 at 3:53pm

Linda, I agree with you.  I find it extremely helpful to keep active and begin doing the things I find myself wanting to do.  I too spent the last few years of my wife's life taking care of her and it not only wore me down but kept me from doing many things I would of otherwise found myself doing, which now I am able to do, or at least try.  And that is what Im writing about today.  After lots of time to reflect on things I see a way forward and even have some pretty good plans laid out so its not confusion and uncertainty that usually follows a loss which has me stymied at present.  But there to be this huge wall many days between me and my front door and so despite all my good intentions and efforts coupled with ample opportunity I find myself many days simply unable to act on them.  Its though as some feeling or something is simply keeping me held back.  So often that wall seems so huge I find myself simply giving up and staying home for the day and telling myself tomorrow will give me another chance to get at it.   But so many tomorrows have come and gone by now that I'm beginning to wonder/worry if I might not be losing this battle. I m curious if anyone else can relate and if so if anyone has found a way around or over that wall?

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 8, 2016 at 2:52pm

Linda D.   I agree with you, except, I can't  sleep in our bedroom.  I can and do sit in there, on his chair and watch TV sometimes.  I love that room but doubt I will ever sleep in it.  I sometimes wish John and I could have that "last talk".  In many ways I'm glad we didn't.  He  lost consciousness at home and died an hour later in emergency.  He never knew what happened.  He looked like he was sleeping.  My life will never be the same. O. C.

Comment by joanne on June 8, 2016 at 3:15am

Bluebird, 100% agree with you, as always xxxx

Comment by rachel_micele on June 7, 2016 at 8:18pm

I don't understand it either Bluebird. AT ALL. 

Comment by bluebird on June 6, 2016 at 5:47pm

Linda,

If that all works for you, then that is genuinely good.  I could never live as you are, myself. I will always be married to my husband. My life does not go on. I will never again enjoy life, nor do I have any desire to do so without my husband. I will never date. I completely understand how it is for your mom -- I do not intend to be alive in 29 years, nor anything close to it, but I will grieve for my beloved husband for as long as I am alive. I know you're not saying you don't grieve or don't miss your husband, but I truly can't understand your ability or desire to "move on".  I'm not saying you are necessarily wrong to do so, as each of us has her/his own path, I am just saying that I don't understand it at all.

 

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