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Comment by stewart p on June 20, 2016 at 11:28am

There is a reason and it hurt me at first when read and really listened, but in the typical wedding vow it does say: ‘Until death do us part", or variations as do we part, or until we part.  The point being we are blessed with a union that even the vows themselves make clear there is a change to come, and that change occurs upon death of one of the partners.  It does not say anything about the other person’s life stopping or ending.   Im sorry if this is a little brutal, it is painful but I have after 3 frickin years of painful work had to come to accept it, because it is the truth, but the beauty is there is a way forward and there are countless others who have taken the journey before us and can share their insight, strength and hope.  There is no nobility is wallowing in pain and suffering, it does not mean that you loved yours more than any others have loved theirs.  The pictures and ideas played in movies and in the theater is rubbish, its only meant for entertainment, but I assure you the message revealed from Hollywood and the like if followed will only cause you further grief and illness.  Commit to stepping outside of your comfort zone and begin taking little steps and you miss one, don’t be hard on yourself but rather simply learn from it and you might do the next day to not miss taking another step, get out go to group, read, journal, exercise, take a trip, 1 day now, maybe 2 days later, take a drive, visit the ocean, buy your self-dinner, take to strangers about the weather, don’t date, don’t do stupid stuff, not yet, but get out there and begin. If your retired and don’t work, and this is huge find something dear to your heart and begin to volunteer.  Food bank, homeless shelter, humane society, many organizations need help from caring volunteers.   It is a hurting world out there which needs much help, how is it that any of us could possibly believe we have the right to sit inside indefinitely and simply concern ourselves only with ourselves?   We are obligated, it is our duty in fact we were fortunate enough to survive, and we can appreciate the finality of death, shouldn’t we now also know how important it is to reach out side beyond ourselves like never before given this chance to do so???  And it is in the answer to that question, mysteriously

Comment by stewart p on June 20, 2016 at 11:27am

I’m convinced now where we begin to find what continues to ail us.  I mentioned it here before and a couple of others brushed past it but I believe they did because they themselves are too consumed with themselves and their own loss to see beyond it.  V./ Frankle wrote a terrific book on finding meaning in life, and he was a multiple loss survivor, and some of the people I met at group too suggested volunteering or working in the helping professions etc.  Funny thing they all seem to be doing much better 6 months, a year or two later than those who continued or insisted in wallowing in their loss and misery.  Does this mean it hurts any less or is less felt pain for those who move forward?  Absolutely not, in fact I think our loss might be felt even greater because it is at that very moment we begin to rebuild our lives we become acutely aware that indeed death has done us apart and there is no returning what once was.  Its at the point we leave the comfort of our beds repeatedly replaying past memories thorough our minds and scanning old photographs we have chosen to begun the process of truly letting go and brings back many of the same emotions as before, thus this seemingly never ending cycle.  How many times by now I’ve ridden my bike and spent the day out of town at a farmers market, with my dog talking and meeting new people only to get in my car at the end of the day for the trip home and think to myself God what I wouldn't give for you to be here with me right now Teresa.  But at least I got out and went and hopefully it just becomes more routine with time, and I expect she will forever be there with me in one form or another and I have to just have to learn how to work with that.  And it would be easy still to simply stay at home and not have to do any of this and simply stay there and feel the pain of the loss, but it won’t get better that way, it won’t get more tolerable, my wife wouldn't want that for me, no one does, it just seems like its easier to do, but it really isn't, not in the long run.  It is hard to begin some of the things I’ve laid out as well as ideas offered by others, in fact its the hardest thing to begin, and often tempting not to start or worst even retreat after you’ve begun.  But I suggest you go to bereavement meetings, listen to those who seem to be dealing with their loss better than others, find out what they find is helping, look to others who have experienced your loss and what are they doing?  I found over and over and again and this is what i have offered here is that they have gotten up, gotten out and begun moving in a direction, any direction, often changing course over time, it doesn't matter but there is a time to sit and reminiscence, and then there is a time to pick up the pieces and begin moving forward, notice I did not say move on, I specifically said move forward.  I know its hard, I wish you well and Good Luck, and believe me when I say i haven't gotten this down anywhere near perfect, I still have more day go by where nothing gets done than does, but it is slowly improving and that as far as Im concerned is a "step" in the right direction.

Comment by Robin on June 20, 2016 at 7:32am

The worst part for me Mary is that I never apologized for anything, I always had to be right towards the end it got to the point he was like you don't love me anymore you want someone else and I would say if I wanted to leave I would have left years ago and if I wanted someone else why would I come home to this,of course things weren't always like that and he wasn't perfect he had bipolar and life could be difficult but he was my life the breath I breath you always think you have tomorrow. So I carry my well deserved cross of guilt until I die all I have is my tears and words of sorrow for him now and I truly don't know if he can even here me,, I need to believe he can it's all I have but I just don't know I was crying so bad yesterday I told my son I can't do this anymore.but what choice do I have I could never take my own life, I wish we did not have to be here in this group I wish we could find our peace

Comment by Mary on June 20, 2016 at 1:49am

Oh Robin. I know how you feel. My husband always was so positive to me yet I wasn't so positive to him, judging him as you say. Life things would stress me out and I seemed to take it out on him. He was my rock and my comfort. Now I feel guilty treating him like I did even tho he would forgive me when I realized what I was doing. We both shared the same love for each other and agreed we were made for each other. Like you it was our first Father's Day with Neil. It's been 2 months but seems forever yet sometimes seems just like the other day we lost him.
What seems so hard is that everyone just goes on the same , life still goes on for them, they laugh, they visit but for my kids and myself our life has changed.
When asked how are you doing, I don't know what to say. I'm not doing good I want to say but then everyone gets uncomfortable. I rather just stay in my house. I can't deal with music, with people, even grocery shopping I start to feel anxiety.
One just can't understand how you feel unless you have experienced the loss of a spouse. It affects you physically, mentally and emotionally. It's not just "missing" your husband or wife. It's a complete life change

Comment by Robin on June 20, 2016 at 12:52am

Today was our first father's day without Kevin it was so hard we listened to his musicall day and cried alot, I will forever love him he was my life, I will forever live with the guilt of having him love me unconditionally and doing nothing but judge him the last few years , letting the stresses of life overcome me instead of appreciating him for the great man he was , now here I sit with the same stresses only alone I deserve this guilt I just hope he sees wherever he is how sorry I am and how truly loved he was with all the tears I shed for him I am FOREVER BROKEN

Comment by Kathleen on June 19, 2016 at 6:10pm

Hello everyone. I lost my precious husband on September 20,2014, to very aggressive cancer. He lived only 5 months after he was diagnosed. I am trying to understand this "stages of grief" thing, but in nearly 2 years all I feel is despair. My children, all of whom are adults, are quite annoyed that I haven't been able to move on. I rarely am able to get out of bed, we were married for 34 years and he was my everything. I just wish I could be with him. Since I am retired, I don't have a job to do or anywhere to go. I welcome any suggestions that helped any of you here.

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 19, 2016 at 7:40am

It's six months today since I lost John.  I would never have thought I could live one week, let alone six months without him.  I don't know how I have managed to do it.  He would be proud.  I miss him today and always. 

God bless us all.

Comment by Mary on June 18, 2016 at 11:11pm

Charlie - your Laurie sounds like a beautiful and loving person. My thoughts are with you for tomorrow. I never really gave it a second thought about those families that have lost their fathers how hard Fathers Day would be until this year. It will be a hard day for our family. We are going to try and have dinner together to celebrate Neil but it will be hard. Neil was a wonderful father from the beginning at 27 years old to the end at 52.
My thoughts are with you and all those who have lost a dad and a spouse tomorrow.
It is indescribable the feeling, the thoughts, the pain that one feels who have lost a Spouse. I never imagined it.

Comment by Charlie on June 18, 2016 at 10:42pm

Mary, you're absolutely right.  My brother and daughter do want what's best for me, and they're just expressing their concern and trying to help. In fact, they both say they cannot imagine how it must be for me.  As I'm sure you know, it doesn't make it any easier, and I certainly don't look forward to that part of our conversations.

I'm know that it is difficult for you having children, especially one 16.  I myself have a 44 year old son who is autistic, not able to live on his own. He's only a year younger than Laurie, and my son's mom and I always thought Laurie would be his caregiver once we were both gone.  She loved him so much, and she actually offered before she and I were engaged.  She really wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life. Obviously that wasn't meant to be.  Anyway, we've always gotten Charlie Jr. two days and one night a week.  He just hasn't been the same since this all happened.  Tomorrow being Father's Day is really tough because Laurie would always get me a gift from Charlie and another one from herself, and the same with the cards (he would print his name on his).  She would arrange for "them" to take me out for lunch, and then she would take me to a special dinner, just the two of us, to celebrate the next day.  I wish I could experience this as a fond memory (which it is), but the fact that it will never be again turns it from fond to despair.  I can hardly stand this pain!

Comment by Mary on June 18, 2016 at 8:42pm

Dear Charlie. I feel your pain. I feel the same. Lost my Neil almost 2 months ago. I too wish I would not be here, it's too painful, I want to be in my husbands arms once again, but I have 3 children. Even tho they are 25,21 and 16. Another blow to them by losing their mom would be devestating I fear. I just pray that God will take me soon once my youngest is on his own. I can't bear to live a long life without my husband. I understand how you feel. Unfortunately if you haven't lost a spouse you don't know that feeling. Your family just wants the best for you.

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