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Comment by morgan on June 21, 2016 at 6:13pm

Patti……..I am going to send you some stardust right now

I want to say something else.  I am three years five months in.  It is an impossible situation.  I have a fellow girlfriend who lost her husband four years ago June 7th.  Patti, it never stops.  We will never not miss them.  We are forced to find ways to endure the pain.  We try to endure the best we can.  No one getting mad at us can understand how bad the pain is for us to have to undertake measures we think will end the pain…..but we, here, we understand and of course don't want to hear that what you wanted to do wasn't final and instead ended up throwing yourself to the wolves.  But that isn't why you are still here.  There's more to it we will NEVER understand. Nothing biblical, just big. 

No one has the answers to this. Not professionals, not us.  But we do FEEL your pain.  Share it.  We will always be here to give you a hand up.  I don't profess any gods guidance and I certainly wouldn't pretend to give advice.  I just know I can feel your pain and will try to take on some of it just to relieve you.  
As for this site and others.  This is now a community of people who know that grief has no time limits.  In fact the further out we get the more we realize that there are many of us who simply will never stop missing our beloved.  What we do with that "missing" is the tough part.  It's what sends us into our holes. 

I am currently living without electric, no hot showers, no refrigeration,  in the woods, no cell service, tv or computer internet (at the library now) and can only think of how drastically my life has changed since my beloved died.  I am taking it an hour(sometimes minutes) at a time and realizing that the more things change the less control I have over anything so I am just going to live for the very present moment.  I can't do more.   My circumstances will change again by the beginning of next week.  i will no longer be as cut off but I am saying this just to maybe give you a way to see the present only as some crazy made up place and as soon as the universe is ready to take us back into the stars to be with our beloved is when it is going to do it.  Trying to force it is not written the way we think when we try to take control.  We didn't have the control over our beloveds death anymore than we have it over our own.  Could it be that this is the universe acting out through us what it needs?  Don't know.  Just know this is the hellish part of it, agreed.

So I am going to sent you as much stardust as I can right now.  Please receive.

morgan

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 6:06pm

sure glad to see you here Patti, sorry to hear its been so tough on you, sure know what you mean how bad it still feels, just sort of different isnt it?

Comment by joanne on June 21, 2016 at 3:47pm

Stewart, I know what you mean and there's no need to be sorry, I think after reading your post again that I was just moved by it. p.s  I'm glad you have a dog , someone to love and to love you back x

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 2:06pm

joanne, Im sorry if my post provoked more tears on the others Im not because Im convinced now more than ever that crying actually has a healing effect on us and is good, but Im still sorry if you know what I mean.

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 12:16pm

thanks Charlie, Im just throwing things out there that seem to make sense on paper hoping somebody might have an answer or two.  I spend more days sitting around the house doing nothing than I care to say and I dont even mind it, but its going to cause me all kinds of other problems eventually plus nothing is going to change the fact my wife is gone, so what the hell else can I do about it?  BTW, I dont think your criticizing me don't worry  about it, even if you or anyone else was I don't care, that is one of the few gifts Ive received from all this.

Comment by Charlie on June 21, 2016 at 12:09pm

Three months ago today.  Also, 121 since the day we met.  Needless to say, the best day of my life and the worst day of my life will be forever linked.

Stewart, I really do understand what you're saying, but I must say I honestly don't see myself ever getting to where you are.  I understand that you're saying that at this point you want to fool or convince yourself that the best is yet to come, but can't get there right now.  For me, I can't see how any life is ahead of me, let alone the best.  Please understand, Stewart, that I'm not in any way second guessing or criticizing you. That's where you are, and I hope you keep going in that direction for your sake.

As for doing anything or going anywhere or communicating with the outside world, when I have to, like going to the grocery store or doing something out of the house with my 44 year old autistic son, I can't ignore two thoughts.  What paralyzes me is #1, the thought that Laurie and I have enjoyed this in the past, and it will never be again, or #2, if it's something that we didn't do together, how much she would have enjoyed it and we would have enjoyed it together, and never will get to . . . NEVER!

Anyway, Stewart, I always find your comments to be interesting and heartfelt.  I wish you nothing but the best as you travel through this most difficult journey any of us will ever face.

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 11:45am

Another thought Ive been dwelling on this past 48 hours that has really consumed me is how I have noticed often these celeb's and rock stars who have such overnight success and than 20 years later you see them constantly trying to rekindle the fame they once enjoyed and I think to myself how tough would that be, to have your best days always seem like they are behind you.   Thats how my wife's death feels, the life we shared and everything else, that all my best days are behind me.  When you feel like that, its hard to get excited about much, to look forward to getting out of bed in the morning, about your own life or future, the BEST days are all behind me.  Its a depressing thought, I dont believe its true, im sure its not, but its very hard to see how any thing could get better looking forward, but I think I believe that is the key to getting out of this funk.  To sincerely believe that the BEST is yet to come as hard as that is to believe, if i could somehow fool or convince myself if only for a while than I could look forward to each day a believe it might be better than the last 20 years that would really be something.

The real problem for me is I cant seem to think of or find anything that beats the last 23 years, at least not that i can see right now.

Comment by stewart p on June 21, 2016 at 11:31am

joanne, Im more often where your at then what i write.  I just know where I would like to be and now its a matter of trying to get there.  The ideas I and others put out there are just to help take those baby steps in the direction to somewhere else, whether it actually works or not I dont know, I just know I dont want to remain where Im at.  Use to be 1 day forward, 2 days back, now sometimes its actually 2 forward and only 1 back, but I still am lost, confused, hurt, dazed and unsure of much of anything.  But i feel a lot better after going out for an afternoon walk in the park than i do if i didnt, does that make sense? 

Comment by joanne on June 20, 2016 at 3:24pm

Stewart, I don't know what it was when reading your post, but, well it made me cry, I not even sure if they were sad tears or tears of someone wishing that I wasn't  that person who withers and curls up at home, yes I go to work, I go shopping, I even went and watched a concert on saturday night(most I which I can't remember, due to me crying for the most part, thinking that Andy should be watching with me) I don't want to go out socially anymore, I have zero interest in any of my friends, I have lost interest in absolutely everything. Once I've put my daughter to bed I either sit listening to sad music or write to Andy in my journal, I guess I'm saying I don't want to be like this, but I have no choice I feel I'm broken beyond repair, yes you can glue broken things together, i get that, but the cracks will always be there and they can never be mended fully. I'm only a couple of weeks off the one year mark, and I honestly can't see myself feeling any different ever, but may I add that your post makes me truly happy for you that you are finding a way to go forward, much love to you xx

Comment by stewart p on June 20, 2016 at 11:28am

Kathleen, 23 years for me and it’s been 3 years and a week since my wife passed away suddenly late one night, I’ll never forget that night or the images that are as clear in my mind as yesterday.  The "stages of grief" is but only one model proposed among several others to help those who are interested to give "grief" some identity. Although I do like the 5 stages model, it has helped me to identify the many mixed emotions I have felt and how it is I seem to keep recycling through them. Getting online here if it’s all you can do for now is a start, begin talking about your emotions and venting, getting them out there.  I used and still do journal a great deal, attending a bereavement group 2x a month.  Didn't want to go but made myself go.  If nothing else it will give you cause to get out of the house at least 2x a month by force, and remember a journey of a 1000 miles begins with each first step.  Going to a group will help build confidence and courage and whatever else we feel we are lacking that helps keep us safe indoors at home to isolate.  Eventually you might find yourself getting out of bed to venture further on, perhaps a day trip to a favorite place you and your husband once spent time at, eventually you might find yourself going to somewhere new alone for the first time, soon thereafter you might begin having conversations with strangers and even have dinner together on one your many outings.  If you’re not already physically engaged in some activity, start now.  I found riding a bicycle to be good exercise and easy to do.  I started going around the block, eventually around town, out of town and now I keep it racked on my car everywhere I go.  I have a dog now too, and this weekend we spent out of town, riding around a festival, and I enjoyed the conversation of many new people, including some quite attractive women.  I still miss my wife, and that has been 3 years in the making but by God if I'm going to allow myself to simply curl up and wither away at home, these are all tips as well as several others passed along to me, or that I read about and they do work.  But, and this is the hardest part for me and what I see of many others who post here, is getting out and taking the first step.  It’s so easy to keep getting sucked back into what once was.  But we have to realize today it is no more. 

                                                                                                                                                                                

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