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Comment by morgan on June 23, 2016 at 3:41pm

I am so angry right now.  I cannot believe I was left behind to have to deal with reconstructing a life.  I don’t want any part of this but I am unable to take my own life.  To have to keep pushing myself to do things because I breathe. It is so unfair.  I hate every single second of this. 

 

I should be happy right?  They just delivered my refrigerator so now I can keep things cold .  I want to figure out why I hate this so much.  It just keeps getting worse in so many ways. 

 

I can’t get the thoughts of him out of my head.  I can’t get him out of my head.  He is lodged there forever but the thoughts are killing me.  I can’t function like this.  I can’t keep limping from crying episode to crying episode.  I have a life between episodes  but instead of living during that time I am simply moving from episode to episode not living the interim. 

 

Yesterday I spent some time at Walmart using the scooter to go up and down aisles recording prices of food as I will need to do a buy here soon to stock up.  I made it to about the tenth aisle in frozen foods and a song came on the radio that triggered an epsiode.  It was caused by my knowing I would never have done something that would have taken that amount of time unless I had time to kill (because I do) and by the time I got to that point all I could think about was what a waste of a life I have because I don’t have anywhere to go, no one who cares where I am and that sent me into a spin.  No one really cares where I am.  Just like my brother dying alone.  No one to love him.

 

I cannot stand not being loved but I only want him.  That’s what matters.  It wouldn’t mattter if everyone showed me they cared, it wouldn’t be him.  All I wanted was him.  NO one else matters.   Even the lovely young gal who consoled me in the frozen foods aisle.  Why would it be her to stop and care ?  She knew how I felt because her boyfriend of seven years committed suicide.  Yes, of all people to stop it was her.  Was it a sign?  She was 24 he was 29.  They had sold their home here in Western PA and moved to San Diego.  They had gone to Tijuana.  He told her how much he loved her and she went to go wash her hands (or something silly as she said) and he jumped out the window.  No nothing.  No warning.  Just jumped. 

 

Why?  How?  And the devastation of death.  What the fuck are we supposed to do with it? Three years five months into this and I am trying so damn hard and nothing seems to make a difference.

Comment by Charlie on June 23, 2016 at 3:16pm

Stewart, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about!  I imagine like me, you probably feel a wonderful memory that immediately turns to pain at the thought that you will never experience that particular activity again. NEVER!!!

As far as moving goes, this area was so painful that I too thought that moving away was the thing to do.  Within 2 week of losing Laurie, I had looked at an over 55 community about 80 miles away.  I made two exploratory visits, and on the second one I put down a deposit and took home the lease to review.  As I said, that was on the second Friday after losing my dear sweet Dreamgirl.  I arranged for a mover for the following Friday, and of course had to wait until Monday to set up the utilities, cable, etc.  I called the cable company and left a message for a callback.  After calling them, I walked around the house for about a half-hour non-stop.  I talked with Laurie about it.  I didn't hear from her directly, but my talking to her clarified that what I was doing would be a big mistake.  My support system (brother Bob and daughter Tricia) were going along with my moving because they knew I believed that it would help ease my pain.  But when I told them that I changed my mind, they were both so relieved.  

Anyway, Stewart, you asked if anyone else could relate, and as you can see, I'm raising my hand.  I wish you nothing but the best. 

Comment by Kathleen on June 23, 2016 at 2:22pm

Bluebird , I know exactly what you are talking about. Half of myself went with my husband when he died, and I haven't yet, after almost 2 years, figured out how to live anymore. My children are resentful because they think I should be back to "normal" by now. Even when I wake up in the morning, I think he's there beside me and I reach for him. Then acouple seconds later, I come back to the reality of this hell on earth.

Comment by stewart p on June 23, 2016 at 12:35pm

mary, thats my sentiments exactly, well at least every other day.  Mine are 20 and 23.  My wife and I lived here in this state all our lives, we went all around here all the time together.  But now whenever I go anywhere, pass a landmark, a hotel, a restaurant I end just spending the rest of the time remembering those happier days.  Its intrusive enough i ve seriously been thinking about moving to another part of the country, somewhere not familiar and trying to start over.  Anyone know what Im talking about?

Comment by Mary on June 23, 2016 at 2:51am

That's how I feel ... Still stuck her in this life. I have to be here for my kids , my youngest is 16. I have to be the Rick now for them. Even tho I rather not I can't give up on them. So I'm ok with staying for now. But I don't want a long life just enough time so that my kids get on their own. I know it will still be hard for them to lose me, but at least they won't have to depend on me.
Life has no meaning for me. It's empty.

Comment by bluebird on June 22, 2016 at 6:14pm

Adrien and Mary,

I feel that way too. It is unreal to me that my husband died and i am still stuck here in this life. It is horrifying to me.

Comment by bluebird on June 22, 2016 at 6:12pm

Mary,

I feel much like you do. I have no interest in anything, in doing anything, in "getting out of the house". I just want to stay home, all the time. If i didn't have to work in order to keep my apt. and pay bills, i would probably never leave the house. If i were wealthy, i would just stay in and have everything ordered in (food, whatever).

I don't actually try to do at least one thing each day, but i often have to do those things, and i find it to be a lot, too.  I really can't do more than one such thing per day, and often not even that. Things that wouldn't even have fazed me before, when my husband was alive, are now too much for me to handle.

Comment by Mary on June 22, 2016 at 6:08pm

Hi Adrian. My heart aches for you. What you describe is exactly how I feel. I lost my wonderful Neil 8 weeks ago and one day. I think of him every moment. The pain is realizing just what you said - that our beloved won't be here for us to be with. They won't be able to enjoy life. I still find it hard to accept. I think to myself where is here. He couldn't of died. He was my life. My daily life. Our house is so quiet without him so empty yet there are 3 of us here. It pains me that our children have lost their dad, their hero, the dad they looked up to and shared fun with.
It is all horrible. I don't know how we can adjust. Today for the first time I went for lunch with a close friend and our sons for our annual end of school lunch. All I could think of was my husbAnd. Not that he joined us at these lunches but just always thinking of him. We were only there an hour and it felt so long. I just wAnted to get home

Comment by Adrien Naude on June 22, 2016 at 5:37pm

Hi all. I am so sad, tears flowing freely, to read of the pain we are all suffering.  Two months and eight days feels like an eternity I have never felt so unsure of myself in my life, I love my wife with every fibre of my being. The feelings of heartache and pain, emptyness, lonliness and despair seem to just get worse and worse with every passing day, as the reality of the situation dawns on me that I will never laugh or speak with Wendy ever again never hug or hold her hand, never kiss and tell her how wonderful she is ever again. She was a wonderful person. Reading all your comments much further down the line than myself.  I cannot see how I will ever be able to deal with or cope with this tragedy. 

Comment by Mary on June 21, 2016 at 8:08pm

To everyone on here - thankyou for all your stories your thoughts your feelings. It's comforting to know others feel the same way as me - though I wish no one would have to experience this ever. My friends and family don't understand how I feel. They say get out of the house, come for dinner, get back to routine.... I try to explain how I feel - But they don't understand I know they mean well. But I just want to stay home. I try to do at least one thing each day - dishes or shower or laundry... That's a lot for me. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness when all of sudden that feeling comes again that my Neil won't be coming home. I won't feel his touch his warmth b

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