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Comment by Marsha on June 27, 2016 at 10:19am

Oleta, I agree with you completely. It will be six months for me on July 14. He died on his birthday Jan. 14. He was the love of my life. We were married two weeks shy of 55 years. I thought we had al least another 10 years but God had different. I have tried to fill my days but he is always there in everything and I don't want to ever loose that. I want him with me always. I know he is watching over me and like you I think he would be proud of how I am handling things. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Comment by Oleta Cato on June 27, 2016 at 8:51am

Denise:  I don't think it gets easier, at least it hasn't so far.  I am content to live with my memories.  I miss my husband more than words can say...there are no words.  I hang in there because of my husband.  He would want me to do and be the best I can.  I think he would be proud of me. It's six months today...as long as I live, he will live.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on June 26, 2016 at 6:47pm

Hi,This week has been rough.My best friend died 6-16-16.With my  husband being gone since April 4th and my best friend passed away this is just to much.It is like walking around with a broken heart.I miss them so much.It is more than I can handle.I am getting a lot of memories of both my husband and my friend.She was like a mother to me.We had a lot of fun.

Comment by bluebird on June 26, 2016 at 3:07pm

I agree -- what Morgan and Mary have typed is very true for me as well. Especially the last sentence of your post, morgan (although I actually have my husband's ashes, but the meaning is the same):  "I buried him.  And when I did I buried myself."

Comment by Chum on June 26, 2016 at 12:29pm

Morgan and Mary...
What you have written here represents exactly the bleakness of our ongoing experience. Morgan: your comment above is elegant and perfect.

Comment by Mary on June 26, 2016 at 11:57am

Morgan I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel the same. Life is "lifeless" now without my husband. I hAve to keep doing things for my kids but their is no joy, no wanting to do anything. It's a chore just having to make meals, something I enjoyed doing. I find it hard to get out of bed, the mornings seem to be the hardest. My beautiful Neil is not next to me when I wake up, or has said good morning if he got up before me. The realization of starting a new day without him pains me and anxiety sets in. I wish there was something we could all do that would help take the pain away....

Comment by morgan on June 26, 2016 at 10:47am

I’m not getting any less angry.  In fact, I think the feeling of knowing that he has gone silent has really gotten me to a point of utter defeat.  I realize I can’t do anything about it.  I think, before now, as much as what I knew what his dying meant I kept thinking there would be some way or something that would relieve the stress of constantly trying to figure out how I might manage this emptiness.  Now I know there is nothing I am able to do that will ever change the silence.  No answers will be provided that will help me reconcile in my head the reason for him to be gone.  Dead is dead.  Silence.  Nothing.  Emptiness.  No ability or capacity to change it.  No fixes. No answers.  All I get is periodic what-I-think-are-signs that I hang all my desperateness on for some supposed sort of connection with him.  I keep pushing myself forward every day doing more than I used to but finding absolutely no reason to continue doing so and the pain from that realization of doing anything that doesn’t include him is driving me insane.  I keep pushing towards distraction when distraction and the thought of doing these distracting things without him is killing me. 

Just wrting this and knowing this is where I am has brought me to tears once again.  Today in the Home Depot parking lot, more tears.  Today (the 25^th) would have been his 67^th birthday.  I simply do not know how to stop crying.  It isn’t as frequent, it isn’t as primal, it’s just a simple cry of unending pain. 

I buried him.  And when I did I buried myself. 

Comment by Chum on June 24, 2016 at 2:11am

So many comments resonate. Stewart, Morgan, Charlie, Bluebird, and others. Morgan, your comment (I'm paraphrasing) of no where to go, but all the time in the world, to go there'......this is what I keep stumbling over. I'll be doing okayish, proud of myself for not being a complete wreck at this moment in time, when I realize I'm pretty much doing something because I've pushed myself out the door, have all the time in the world to do it, and try to keep faking it enough to get home and feel like I got out of the house at least, yet it's all a fools errand. I know common thought says this is what I should be doing but mostly I just think why? Mostly, I just want to collect up the dogs and all go back to bed. I often wonder just how long I could stay in bed if I didn't have birds and dogs to feed. I think I could manage a long long time.

Comment by Charlie on June 23, 2016 at 10:08pm

Stewart, I can't begin to say how really glad that I didn't.  I'm still struggling with the reminders and triggers, but at the same time I'm so very happy to be home where we shared so many wonderful times.

Comment by stewart p on June 23, 2016 at 9:12pm

charlie, Sounds like you were ready to go but you didnt.  Are you glad you didnt?

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