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Comment by stewart p on July 3, 2016 at 10:57pm

3 years and 3 weeks, I dont believe I will ever lose track of time.  For 23 years my world evolved around my wife, the sun rose and set around her for me.  For the first year I was completly numb to everything around me and for the next 2 I went to counseling, wrote in my journal constantly and started looking inward deeply to find what I could do to pick up the pieces.  Ive tried this, Ive tried that, sometime followed but more often failed and taking the first step.  I had so many plans, so many ideas of things I would try to do only to find when the day rolled around that I chose instead more often than not to sit at home and watch netflix, look out the window or else and do much of nothing.  This last week I actually began following through on another yet again well thought out plans and to be honest, with 12 hours days that have kept my mind redirected all day long I havent found much time to think about my wife, better yet im so tired when I get home Im nearly half asleep.  I feel pretty good about it, I feel like there is a sense of hope, the sun will rise yet again another day.   I think what Ive learned so far from this is it helps to keep busy.  It might be a real struggle to start, hell it has taken me 3 years but it does seem to make the days much lighter, if anyone is wondering, it seems to be helping and I would encourage anyone to keep trying until you find something that begins to absorb your time and attention and that you feel is time well spent.  Happy 4th to all and good nite.

Comment by Mary on July 1, 2016 at 12:54pm

Val. Hugs to you. It is very hard. But it's also been a very very short time for you. Be easy on yourself. It is hard when you miss your life partner.
I lost my Neil 9 weeks ago and I find it hard each day. Hard is an under statement. You are right about not realizing the intense pain of losing your husband. It affects you physically mentally and emotionally.

Comment by val on July 1, 2016 at 10:47am

hi, so hard , thanks for your reply im an on site retirement schem manager which has been so hard as im trying to dodge all my residents every time i go out my door,  , i just want to run away and not talk to anyone , didnt know greive would be so painful, back to work end next week and i dread it , funeral tuesday , i talk to him all the time, we had a good connection (both spiritualists) and hes alreadyu shown me hes ok, its me who is finding it hard to cope with living .  

Comment by Oleta Cato on July 1, 2016 at 10:22am

Val......That's just how I felt.  I knew unless someone had lost a spouse they would have no conception of this deep grieving, in the pits of Hell.I sat in His chair all day and asked Him why he left me.   It's been six months and is somewhat better.  Not much but at least (most of the time) I can talk with people and not break into hysterics.  I tell him daily, "As long as I live, you will be remembered.  As long as I live, you will be loved."

Comment by val on July 1, 2016 at 9:49am

seem to cry so much, been two weeks now, wander from room to room

awful, he wouldnt have wnated this for me ,but its hard ,i dont wnat to bump into anyone , i dont wnat to discuss it with anyone ,i just want to hide and i wnat him back, i know thats not possible, but its so final   

Comment by Mary on July 1, 2016 at 5:32am

Joanne very well said. I know my husband Neil would want me to be happy and live life - but he would understand how I'm feeling - I'm sure he'd be the same. You don't realize how you can live it without experiencing it.

Comment by stewart p on June 30, 2016 at 11:15am

mel, i agree i dont know what to make of myself either but its been 3 years for me now and doesnt appear to be becoming any clearer, i think

Comment by joanne on June 30, 2016 at 11:08am

I think if I had that conversation with Andy, I would have told him to be happy and live his life, I know he would wouldn't want me to be like this, but it's easy to say those things, but when you actually experience the loss of the person you love, you simply cannot comprehend how devastating it will be, if Andy somehow appeared to me now and told me to be happy... well I still couldn't do it, I don't think a broken heart on this level can ever be mended, I don't think I will ever be truly happy again, and mel like you I am simply lost xxxxx

Comment by Mel Royer on June 30, 2016 at 10:43am

Hey, Stewart,

Fort me it's a matter of definition. In 24 years of marriage, Nancy and I pretty much defined who the other was. I still, a year later, don't know what to make of myself..what to do...what I am..where to go. Lacking an updated definition of my life, I am simply lost.  As far as that hypothetical conversation goes, we had it.  Before Nancy's stroke, in the sweet old days of Camelot, Nancy told me that if she died before me she would expect me to get out, reconnect and even re-marry. She told me she would want me to be happy and fulfilled.  Well, Ain't gonna happen, sweetheart. Not interested. I will try to do my best to re-define my life so that I can live it with a degree of comfort but Nancy was just too important a part of me becoming who I am to go much beyond that.

Comment by Mary on June 30, 2016 at 10:41am

That's a good question Stewart. I know if it was me who died first I wouldn't want my husband to sit around grieving his life away. But on the other hand to know what I know now of how it feels it's hard not too. But I wouldn't want to see my husband in so much pain. My life has changed unexpectedly- it's hard to live each day without my life partner. It's hard to grasp the reality. It's heart breaking to be "alone" especially at 53.

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